Monday, December 09, 2002 :::
 

Life is so good. Man, I had the best weekend. Fri- 69 Gay Fabulous B-day party for John & Dallas- lots of drinking & grinding with fine gay men I will never have...Sat- Phi Alpha Tau semi-formal Wine & Cheese. I & my 3 dates had a fabulous time. I actually went home with 2 of them...those lucky lucky boys. We watched The South Park Movie, I'm a hot date, what can I say? But I did look stunning if I do say so myself. It was such a wonderful event- lots of warm fuzzies & memories from freshman year. So now as the semester draws to a close I've FINALLY finished my paper that was origionally due before Thanksgiving. All I've got left is one test and I'm done. I just look foreward to spending tons of time with my best friend before he leaves for LA, but were not going to get into that because the thought of it makes me incredably sad beyond belief. But, my brother is coming to Chicago for X-mas! yay! It will have been a year since I've last seen him & I miss him a lot. Beyond the 12 year age difference, we've always been close & now that I'm getting older we've been able to really become friends so I'm really excited for that. After X-mas its back to Boston for New Years festivities and debauchery- or however u spell that- &Boston Casting as much as they want me. Life is moving along. I can't even believe the events that were happening in my life one year ago today- it just boggels my mind.Hope all is well with u & yours!
Love to you all!
~J

::: posted by Jen at 9:43 PM

Thursday, December 05, 2002 :::
 

I check my horoscope every day. Compare mine with every sign under the sun.
Take quizzes online, in magazines: Am I a Good Lover? Is it love or lust? Then I quiz myself to double check. Am I sure I’m me? And none of um help. None of them tell me anything. And If they do it never comes true. What am I looking for? What am I hoping to find? A secret winning lottery ticket? Or advice? Or for it to tell me I’m going to meet a fabulous man? Give me names & dates and exacts? I’m looking for exacts. I’m looking for something to count. But it doesn’t exist. At least not where I’m looking & maybe I’m looking in the wrong places but I don’t know where else to look. & some say u shouldn’t look for the things I’m looking to find- that they find you, well fuck that. I’m not some prehistoric princess who can just wait in my tower contently. I go out & I look & I find what I want and I go after it, sometimes too strongly but at least I can say I’ve tried
So what am I looking for? Maybe some religion I never had in my childhood to give me some guidance or meaningful order to my life. I don’t mean to come off pretentious but whatever. And why cant I just be happy for someone I should be happy for?
It’s that thing where u see a couple holding hands and some part of you hates them
Not just like “ew god they’re making out in public” sort of hates them but a burning hate because they have something you don’t. Some people find that in god or in themselves or in their work or its just there. I just don’t want to be the type of adult who grows up and only has her work & never has the family I dreamt of when I was young and idealistic because I AM young and idealistic, so there I am and I screw myself over because of it.
There’s just something missing and I’m not sure where I left it or if I ever had it at all.
Maybe I left my heart in San Francisco or somewhere relative to that, hell maybe I left it in FL and forgot to pack it in the move, I don’t know. But there’s something in my head tonight. Something that’s just off in the ways of the world. And I was really happy earlier this day. Happy about something. I’m always happy about something I get myself all worked up over something- some idea or ideal future I implant in my skull and all those something’s end up nothings. And I ruin things that way. Or I get uninterested and just drift away. I need change constantly. I keep piercing myself tattooing myself cutting my hair an inch shorter every few weeks because I just need something different.
And here I am this lucky kid- the one that’s looked up to by all my family & friends and friend’s family and family friends. The one who’s going to be successful the one who’s home people will come vacation at when I’m rich and famous. I got out, I’m living away from where I grew up, with a future- I mean a REAL future ahead of me, people who love me, a family who pays my rent & schooling. And me, what am I doing? Sitting here idly contemplating my life and my fucked up emotions. How is that fair? I just watched Ferris Beuller- that’s a lucky guy, he throws a ball & it lands just where its supposed to just in the nick of time but he’s fictional he’s not a real guy. But what is real? Because I cant tell anymore. There are people I want to say will be in my life forever but I’ve said that before and been wrong so what makes this different? People change and grow and sometimes that’s apart which is ok and blah blah everything they tell u in hallmark cards and in the movies and love songs about perfect relationships and strong women moving on and loving again and not missing people who treated them poorly but I’m not like that. I think about people in my past all the time and I think we all do, I think we have to. I think it makes us human. I think about kindergarten for Christ’s sake: the crush I had on Rusty, and the girl who was my best friend, Amanda, whose last name I don’t even know, and the little black boy named George who let me play with his ears because I thought they were funny and Stacy who played with my hair & it kinda pulled and hurt but I liked it anyway. I just wish I could go to sleep which I’ve had trouble with the past few nights- I’ve been going to bed at midnight & just laying there till 3am. Last night I tried taking some Benedryl to knock me out, didn’t work. I feel a storm brewing- something’s coming- I feel like something bad is coming and I don’t know why- bad news of some sort from somewhere and it scares me because it’s a really strong feeling and I hope I’m wrong, because I’ve never had this specific feeling before. I’m lacking inspiration I’m lacking motivation and I know that the second I finally fall asleep my roommates are going to come home and be drunk and loud. I just want to get drunk on Friday and forget about things for a while. “I need something strong to distract my mind.” Maybe I should try to go to bed, but even my dreams have been fucking with me lately. And I know people are going to read this & ask me questions to which ill just say “I’m fine” because I am, I cant think of any other word to describe my current status of being. I’m fine. I’m just fine. And that’s it.

::: posted by Jen at 12:13 AM

Tuesday, December 03, 2002 :::
 

I'm not sure what the emotion is I'm feeling right now. I think it's toyed with- just like some higher power is toying with me almost- but thats not exactly it. This semester is almost at its end, and I haven't written anything good for a while, Ive got a sort of writers block, but it's only because I generally write when things are bothering me: It's hard to write a happy poem! This semester went by really fast- and it seems like last year was yesterday- this weekend is John's birthday party & I can remember exactly what was going on in my life at this exact time last year, it was just that markable a time in my life. I remember each day, each conversation I had with a special person entering my life and each argument with one exiting. I remember the phone conversations with a guy who is now my best friend amazingness, and friends that are no longer friends. So yeah, Its been an eventful year . I'm just sick of this city I suppose.ITS FREEZING here- definatly one degree wind chill and I just dont know what to do with that. BUT, love to you all. ~J

::: posted by Jen at 11:50 PM

Sunday, December 01, 2002 :::
 

I HATE PSYCOS! I HATE PASSIVE AGRESSIVENESS! I HATE PSYCO PASSIVE AGRESSIVES! I HATE VAIN PEOPLE! AHHH!
Man, I can't wait till the day when I can remove myself completly from some people.
Yeah & I definatly have a paper that I already got an extension on thats due tomorrow & I've got about 5 lines written- & 3 of the line are a qoute! Yeah I don't think this is going to happen. Im going to have to talk to my teacher, good thing he's cool. I'm trying it's just hard to focus.

::: posted by Jen at 6:12 PM

Friday, November 29, 2002 :::
 

The movie's done, Halloween has passed and so has Thanksgiving. And for the first time I really wish my family hadn't moved. It's just ruined everything, split everyone apart. On Thanksgiving it's usually my mom, her husband, my nana, my brother , my mom's best friend, my best friend, her boyfriend & her mom sitting around making rude jokes getting tipsy, eating too much & being dysfunctional. Until it's time for me to convince my mom I'm not drunnk, drive nana home, & go pick up Wade and hang out with all of my friends from high school, whom I'm not sure when I will see again. This just feels wrong. My mom is in Chicago, brother's in DC & my nana's all the way in Arizona. It's just made me sad. This is the first holiday season in my entire life that I haven't been in Florida, and while I'm glad I don't live there anymore- it was just nice to have it as something to go back to- someplace secure and familiar with friends I'd known my whole life (or most of). So now I'm just in Boston. And I'm sick of this damn weather- thats another thing- breaks were great before! I'd leave the snow & go into sunny 80 degree weather! Not to be a negative nancy, I guess I'm just lonely & it's really hitting me that you never can go home again, & even if you do- it's different. I've also realized that I will never be one of those people, like my brother was, who always have a significant other to bring home for the holidays. Growing up it always seemed just like something that was part of the college experiance. My brother often went to his girlfriends for thanksgiving & they came home for Christmas, etc.
Side note: that new Muppet X--mas movie= AWEFUL! Jim Henson is rolling over in his grave after that boring thing!
So I'm in Boston with myself and I suppose this is the point in life that I'm supposed to learn that that's all I need
Well, I'm workin on it.

::: posted by Jen at 10:28 PM

Wednesday, November 13, 2002 :::
 

Golly gee wiz its been a while! Well, Halloween was fun, but I left my devils spear thing at katie mcg's. Since then it's just been a mad rush of pledging & preproduction for the movie which we started shooting last week, & will finish this weekend.
I can honestly say its been a learning experiance & I think I'm getting the hang of this producer thing- & putting my makeup class lessons to use! Mary Ellen would be proud. Pledging is done, congrats to my new ladies- SO proud of you & to be your PMA! Got to spend a little time w/Nikki- even though I was a stressed out mess it was good to see her(yeah all these guys keep telling me that I should be a stripper...what do you think????) I cannot tell a lie- this movie has been stressing me the fuck out. I want to do a really good job not only to prove to myself that I can do it, but also to show the super experianced people on set that I can do it & to make Miles happy that he even asked me to do it. Sure, I had merely a vague idea as to what I was getting myself into but its coming along nicely & the finished product will be amazing. I'm definatly getting to see another side of my best friend. And I dont think I like this TAO Calming Tea that I made. Hrm...Life is good life is busy. I spoke with my nana today & got her permission to take her maiden name which I'm excited about. Look for info regarding an upcoming trip to LA....Did someone say Spring Break?!
Love to you all!
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 9:09 PM

Saturday, October 19, 2002 :::
 

Please make contact with that old friend you often think about but have lost touch with for whatever reason. I just found out that a good friend of mine from home who I hadnt spoken to in a while just passed away from complications with his diabetes. Evan was a wonderful young man with endless potential. He was so talented & I will always remember him- my Just Jack.

On a ligher note: PUKE IN! NO PUKE IN HEEERE!

::: posted by Jen at 1:24 AM

Wednesday, October 16, 2002 :::
 

I'm kind of stressing & I just need to write out everything I'm doing/need to do so maybe when I see it, it wont look like that much.
Ok: I need to finish my media arts paper for Monday. Then write out a 10 book bibliography for Make-up class w/descriptions of the books. Also, for the same class, I need to finish my "picture morgue" with 10 pics of 8 diff catagories. All due Wednesday. I need to call the crew for the movie & find out their dietary needs & find out the rates on a 17 person (+) van rental for 8 days & weigh the option of that vs. using the available cars & making runs. (side note: when calling about dietary needs, find out if anyone on crew has a car they can use for transpo.) Make my production binder. Get food donated for the shoot: 8 days, 17 people, 3 meals a day. Call/Fax/Go to restaurants. Call people/do lots of shiot for Sigma. Figure out my living arangement. Clean my room, organize my life. Entertain my mom for a weekend. Classes, work, internship, & the rest of the 'uge.
ok I just re-read that & yup, it is a lot. Get me through the next month. Please.

::: posted by Jen at 9:53 PM

Monday, October 14, 2002 :::
 

So my brother lives in D.C. where the snyper activity is going on. There was another shooting tonight- 9 dead, 2 wounded in a Home Depot parking lot 10 miles from his home. They need to catch these fuckers or the fucker whatever. Im a tad worried.

::: posted by Jen at 11:21 PM

 

I have some amazing friends/fabulous people in my life. I love Salem, NH. "Hey, lets go to Grand China so we can see the China people..." riight. Good night, although Rufus was canceled on account of his gay ass having bronchietus. What kind of bull shit is that? Ive missed him 4 times now. Gr. He will be mine, oh yes. He will be mine. Tomorrow I have to write a massive research paper. Wish me luck.

::: posted by Jen at 1:18 AM

Saturday, October 12, 2002 :::
 

I had a really really fucked up dream last night, with several parts. One part, I was on a large ship with a bunch of people, I dont know who. And it started sinking like it was the Titanic. I ran out on deck, looked out to the ocean & started calling people on my cell phone to tell them I was going down. Looking out onto the water I saw a flash of light & an image of the green line T. I was on the phone with someone as I saw it saying how I wished I was on land & in Boston & that I think I just saw it. I called my mom even. Some important papers or letters I was holding flew out of my hand & I just hoped someone I loved would eventually find them somehow. It was scary. But I was strangly calm, not crying or freaking out. Just calm.It was one of those "what would you do/who would you call if you found out you only had a small amount of time left to live." The other part of my dream was, I was living in LA I think. But sharing a room with 3 or 4 other people I currently know (none of whom are actually going to LA)- but someone was in my bed & then he left. I somehow forgot that his ex's best friend was one of the people in my room & she like picked up the phone & called her saying all these horrible things about me- that I manipulated everything & was just waiting for this person to be single, etc. I grabbed the phone & was actually really nice to this person I strongly dislike. It was wierd. I really didnt want her to hate me even though in real life I couldnt give 2 goats asses. Strange. I feel strange. Life has been really wierd lately. Good, but wierd.

::: posted by Jen at 2:38 PM

Tuesday, October 08, 2002 :::
 

OMG IM SEEING RUFUS THIS WEEKEND!!!!! RUFUS WAINWRIGHT IS THE BEST THING EVER!!! YAYAY! IVE MISSED HIM 3 YEARS IN A ROW BUT NOW HE IS MINE! LOVE HIM LOVE HIM LOVE HIM!!!!!

::: posted by Jen at 6:44 PM

 

I cant sleep. Ive been thinking a lot lately. My mind just wont stop. There's someone I miss having in my life but I know I shouldn't miss this person for neumerous reasons relating to my mental & emotional well being. But I miss this person sometimes all the same. Mainly at night when my head wont stop. And I think about all the people leaving next semester & going to LA & then graduating & Im going to be here without them until its my turn to leave. And thats just a lonely thought because I start missing people before theyre even gone. And I realized tonight that it's almost been a year since I've seen my grandmother, my brother & my friends Lindsay & Wade from home. A year- DAMN. I can't even belive the person I was a year ago. If someone had told me the things I would do & feel in this year I would not have believed them at all- it seems so impossible. I kinda just want to get through this semester & enjoy the time I have left with some amazing people. I started thinking tonight about that Friends episode where its Rachel's birthday & she does all the math & figures out that if she wants to know the guy she marries for X amount of time & needs X amount of time to plan the wedding, etc, then she should technically be with the guy she is going to marry. Yeah I was just thinking about that for some reason- I think its just because I ended my teen years & am now officially in my twenties which is so scary. And being 16 seems SO long ago. People come & people go & the good ones stick around. I hope I'm a good one for some people. And I hope everyone I've leant the Perks of Being a Wallflower to has read it or at least started it because it means a lot to me.
On that note, Its late. I should try for sleep again. Im going to see Red Dragon tomorrow. I hope the boy Ive got a crush on goes, even though Im not supposed to have a crush on him. shhhhh.
Love & Etherial Hope- ~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 2:50 AM

Thursday, October 03, 2002 :::
 

Yesterday was my 20th Birthday. It was the most beautiful day of the week- 80's, sunny. Usually on my birthday I hop out of bed thinking "TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY" but this year it didn't even come to mind until I checked my voice mail & listend to Nicole singing happy birthday to me- 10/2? 10/2? OMG THATS MY BIRTHDAY- that I rememberd.
The day started out pretty usual. Class, class, work, a few calls from far away friends. That was nice. I didn't have anything special planned for the day. Miles had taken me out for a birthday dinner the night before & the dinner @ Dicks & party are tomorrow. Theres not much you can do on a Wednesday. I knew I wanted to get my tattoo so I arranged that. Made it happen-it hurt but almost in a "hurt so good" way. I love it more than I've loved anything in a long long time. It's such an intense experiance- this guy (who was HOT by the way)- is implanting ink into you that you will have for the rest of your life. It couldnt have come out better. After that I ended up at Jeremy's & then Cutter & Roots. Needless to say, by the time I got home at 1am I was wrecked. It was fab. I checked my email. Got some unexpected ones, & the usual from my mom & brother. Only this year it was different. If anyone wants to know what I got for my birthday: I got the pride of my mother, the admiration of my big brother & immeasuable support from great friends. And those weren't even on my list.
See you all at the party tomorrow. 10:00- BYOB
Love to you all
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 9:52 PM

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 :::
 

Yeah so today I shot my national commercial for Akemai Technology. WATCH FOR IT! I'm the sexy receptionist w/the hot red lipstick & black funky glasses. It was GREAT! I got upgraded to a lead- so I'm really excited about it- its my 1st commercial! I got the works- hair, makeup, wardrobe. I even had my own personal makeup lady who came & touched me up in between takes. & the FOOD- OMG- catered to the MAX- im talkin salmon & chicken & soup & amazingness. Yay for Boston Casting & double YAY for Element Productions for thinking I rock. LOVE TO U ALL!

::: posted by Jen at 4:25 PM

Sunday, September 29, 2002 :::
 

Wow- so a lot has changed since Iast wrote. I feel so good. I feel so mentally healthy and strong- I forgot what I will not take from people & Ive rememberd. I FEEL SO GREAT- Ack. The movie is chugging along & Im really excited about it all. I got my 1st commercial through my internship for Akamai Technology, it shoots this coming Tuesday. My birthday is Wednesday (20!)- & Friday is the PAR-TAY. Email me or IM for details. TELL ALL UR FRIENDS-
"Waiting for a bottle of truth, I am just a lonely guy in my youth. I am just for you as you are not for me."...and thats ok. Sometimes things in life dont work out & thats ok. I've met a lot of new people lately & am spending time with new & old wonderful friends. I've got a great rock in my life that I am eternally greatful for. Ive got great friends that will stand by me no matter what- WHOO its a good year. I just miss my nana.
PS: Im getting my tattoo soon- & changing my last name to my nana's maiden name within a year.
Love to you all

::: posted by Jen at 10:23 PM

Monday, September 23, 2002 :::
 

JUST GIVE ME A BIG FUCKING WALL TO RAM MY HEAD INTO. - then write the word idiot across my face over & over & over again bc thats how I feel right now. FUCK
Fucking makeup at 10am i dont want to put that beard adhesive on : ( it itches.

::: posted by Jen at 2:16 AM

Sunday, September 22, 2002 :::
 

MMMMMMMM HOT POCKET! -I've got great friends. Thanks guys. POOOO-NEY! POOOO-NEY!

::: posted by Jen at 1:33 AM

Friday, September 20, 2002 :::
 

I feel much better then I did at my last post. I've let go. I've let go of it all- of the control- of everything & I feel pretty good & secure with the future because I think I know the course it will take. I went back to Boston Casting today & ran an audition for IBM all day. Im going in Tuesday morning for an audition that I HOPE & WISH I get- because I really need the $. Also, my birthday is coming up. Oct.2nd is the bday, Oct 4th is the par-tay!Dicks Last Resort for dinner @ 7, party @ my place at 10. Call or IM me for directions! (BYOB) I want to have sex on my birthday, I dunno, it would just be nice. :( Im also working on furnature & location for the movie I'm producing & I'm really excited about how all that is working out. I'm pretty damn good at producing if I do say so myself. Henry Winkler came & spoke the other day. He's such a doll, he was like "ooh how are you? I havent seen you in a few years! Tell your mother I say hi..." & him being a Theta I gave him the handshake. It was fab. I just feel like there's something missing- and I think its that I dont like having an empty bed. I miss having someone who's the last voice I hear ( words I read, whatever) before I fall asleep. I want someone I can just call & have come over & hang out & be silly & just lay around. Or at least someone I can call & have be there & trust.I'm almost 20. Wow. I'm SO OLD. When did this happen? Its so wierd to think of the places life leads you & the people that come in & out of your life. 5 years ago everyone I know now existed somewhere, I just didnt know them. It seems like yesterday I was a junior in highschool turning 16. It's crazy. LIFE! &I've got a special rose I've had for almost a year thats gone through storage & back twice & now is hanging on my wall- I've dropped it twice- & its barely lost a petal- wierd. Ok thats enough for now, I'm going to finish my Heineken which I wish was a Corona & go bunny. "So she won't sleep better alone. And he won't sleep better alone. No, they won't feel better alone. They took the time to reflect even as the competition is breeding every day. On top of a jealous home she feels she could connect. He was an opinionated fool, he couldnt just pretend that she was there in the next room. So she won't sleep better alone. And he won't sleep better alone. No, they won't feel better alone. No, they won't sleep better alone."-Pete Yorn
Love to you all~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 11:56 PM

Wednesday, September 18, 2002 :::
 

I'm in a lot of pain right now. I just need to have a good cry & get it out. I really don't like the person I've become in a certain aspect of my life & I've tried to take steps to right the situation but I can only do half of it- I can't do it all on my own. And I suppose this is just what usually happens, I trust someone & I get hurt. Only this is different somehow. Different in a way that has completly shattered all emotion within me and a lot of my self worth. But I refuse to allow a hell-bent heart to leave me broken. I am so much stronger then that and I've got amazing friends who love me and support me. So what if one person doesnt. You can't please everyone all of the time I guess. A version of the amazing play "Miss Julie" was on TV (one of the 3 channels we get). I studied that f*cked up play last semester & all of a sudden I found myself relating in a way I never thought - "Doesn't a man owe something to the woman he's disgraced?" Who is to blame when a man takes advantage of a woman who wants to be taken advantage of but because of a weakness the woman has developed for the man at his own design? I cant remember who wrote it. Damn.
BUT- Miles, Scott & I had a production meeting today & I'm really excited about this film- so far the crew is great everythings slowly falling into place & I'm really proud to be a part of this. It's the 1st project I've worked on in a long time and it just feels good to be useful because I've felt really useless recently. And I hate to be all down but I am- I just broke the fuck down.
But I'm going back to my casting office on Friday thank the lord. I missed that place.
Wooooooo- time time time time time.
& my roomate is playing the Counting Crows- "3,500 miles away but what would you change if you could."
I'm coming to realize a lot about myself & other people I thought were something theyre not. I thought I could go along with things I cant. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I dont want to have regrets but its really hard tonight. And now I'm just typing to clear my head- dont mind me. I'm fine & if I'm not I will be. I know that much.
Anger. Dissapointment. - all in myself and thats the worst. To be rediculous & quote myself "There is no one to blame for the aching. No warrent to issue. For the fire is in me."
St. Anthony's searching for my mind tonight. He usually pulls through.

::: posted by Jen at 10:43 PM

Sunday, September 15, 2002 :::
 

"Honey, I'm a roller concrete clover tied to you, tied to you. Inbetween tonight & my tomorrow's tied to the web you build."

::: posted by Jen at 5:54 PM

Thursday, September 12, 2002 :::
 

I feel emotionally congested like I've got an emotional chest cold or some other metaphoric crap like that.Some people are just not ready for my jelly. But the world doesn't stop throwing days at you...and T's & cars dont stop when you're trying to cross the street... Last night I watched The Family Man for the 1st time in years- & it was kinda funny because I want a life like that- I want a life where I meet someone & just choose "us" & have a family & work & be happy someday. Nick's character was a big jerk in a lot of it & my roomate was like "This is the movie of everything Jen would KILL her husband for..." it was kinda funny. And now I'm just sitting here in my empty apartment in my room listing to music. And allowing that to be enough for me for now. Tomorrow is the Org. Fair- which I'm excited about. All my friends will be there at some point so it should be good times.I also want to talk to the people who run Emerson Casting & get involved with that.Anyhoo, I'm really excited about going back to my internship next week, I've missed that little but of my life that exists in the real world beyond college. I've got reading to do & a 5pg script of some sort to write about an argument. Any kind of argument about anything. Any ideas?
Until we meet again~Rev'rin Masta J signing off.

::: posted by Jen at 7:30 PM

Wednesday, September 11, 2002 :::
 

"Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatibale with. I just want your extra time & your kiss." I'm wearing my someday future ring. I feel secure. I am loved by a lot of wonderful people. I've got great friends. & as Rufus says, I'm just a one (wo)man (gal)guy & that one (gal)guy is me. I tend to place my needs on the back burner to make the people that I care about happy. But that just doesn't cut it anymore. And I now refuse to settle for the insufficiant amounts of time & emotions others are willing to give me. Because that just doesn't cut it either. Maybe I should be a bitch. Maybe I should be mean to guys. Because every relationship I see lately is made up of of bitchy girl & a subserviant guy. But that's just not me. A friend said to me today that I need to find a guy who will worship me. I don't nessicarilly NEED worship. I'd just like an equal, normal relationship. I've got the salt but I'm out of tears. My heat feels clear but my chest is congested somewhere in the heart area. And every song lyric is my life right now. "Well, maybe nothing lasts forever. I dont need forever after this. But your laughter won't let me go so I'm holding on this way. Did you know? Could you tell? Now everythings so wrong."

::: posted by Jen at 10:36 PM

 

I never really felt or understood these lyrics before. I do now. And I'm not sure that I ever wanted to.
...another lesson learned...
November Rain

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain

But lovers always come and lovers always go
And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time
to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one

::: posted by Jen at 9:37 PM

 

I dont know how I feel

::: posted by Jen at 8:50 PM

Monday, September 09, 2002 :::
 

I know, I know, it's been a while since I've written. Things have been a tad crazy since my trip to LA, but we will be getting broadband in the apt. later this week (thank the lawrd). I had an intersting time in LA. It proved to be the 3rd trip out there that has changed some aspect of myself or my life and I am thankful for that.
The drive cross country was amazingly fun. Classes started today & so far all is going well. My apt. is great, my room is huge, and I'm looking foreward to this year. I have a feeling it will go by strangely fast.
I will keep you all better informed.
P.S: 3 weeks till my bday!
Love to you all- Jen

::: posted by Jen at 4:52 PM

Saturday, August 24, 2002 :::
 

Topic: YAY YAY I'M IN LA!
So far my time here has been great. I've met lots of new people, had lots of new experiances in a city I adore. Although I'm looking foreward to the experiance of driving back, I really know that I am not going to want to leave LA.
Love to you all

::: posted by Jen at 4:48 AM

Friday, August 16, 2002 :::
 

I'm in Chi-town (ok, so 40miles outside of the city in the suburb of St. Charles- its a rich country area). The new house is beautiful, & I'm running to doctors while im here. I went to the dentist today & Ive never had a cavity in my life- but now I've got FOUR little ones. FOUR! & I just went to the dentist in January! WTF. Whatev- But, I'm getting a lil colour. & I went shopping today- NEW SHOES!! YAY!
I also went to a Bridle Ct. Ladies get together this evening (once a month gathering of the wives on my moms street)- I wanted to shoot myself in the head. They were all so mediocre in their mediocire middle-american ways. I dont know, its just not the life I would ever want for myself. And now I know how my brother would feel coming home from college to a new house all the time. (We moved a lot when I was a kid). But I freakin layed down in my bed last night & it was amazing. I couldnt even believe it. I'd forgotten how comfy my bed is, I just wish it wasn't empty, but, such is mango. & I had an interesting dream that I'm gonna stop talking about right now.
Tomorrow I'm getting my pics of Europe back- YAY- I can't wait to see them.
Um, yeah, thats aboot it. w00t!
Love to you all
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 12:44 AM

Sunday, August 11, 2002 :::
 

OK- SO!- I've been going crazy. I was writing a lot of poetry last week, packing, doing laundry, stressing out about money & moving stuff & furnature, etc. I've been a big ball of stress & I need a massage more then anything in the world right now. So, on that note, going home for a week to the new house, getting pamperd & fed for free will be a welcome change. Plus, I'm getting really sick of this city. I think that after travling around so much for 4 months then coming back & staying put in the same city for so long is, well, its just annoying me.I've gone stir crazy!!! The next 3 weeks are going to be amazing, call it a hunch, call it psychic intuition, call it what you will.
For all of you that don't know here's the plan: Chi-town for a week, LA for a week, drivin back to Boston for a week, moving into apt. Due to all that crazyness, I'm not going to be online much, especially after I leave Chi-town bc after that my soon-to-be tanned & tattoo'd ass will be crashing w/friends & livin in a car. Oh, the thrill of the open road. {sigh}. I'm especially excited to go to LA. Whenever I've been there before I've had very life altering experiances. The 1st was spiritual, the 2nd was carrear/future oriented, & its always a great time. This may sound niave, but I feel such magic there- even with the scandals that have gone on. The dirty secrets of Hollywood & all of its closeted skeletons just add to its mystique & mystery. I see my future there and the potential for everything great. Note: by the end of my road trip I will have been to over half of our great 50 states! w00t!
Love to you all!
If you should need me for any reason, as always, call the cellular! ~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 11:26 PM

Sunday, August 04, 2002 :::
 

So yesterday I made mad ca$$h doing PR at a festival on Carson Beach, then I came home to my LIL J and drank too much white zinfendel. I dissereved it, it was great. Now I'm just de-stressing and trying to work bit by bit on everything I need to do here before I leave to go home. I've been thinking a lot about my carreer. (I always think way too far ahead)- & I am really just excited about it. Chatting yesterday with a good friend, we compared notes on information about a movie coming to Boston & discussed the people we know/experiance we have, & she was impressed. I am an impressive gal. I dont know why I didnt think of being a casting director years ago. I suppose it just goes to show how much I've learned about myself & the industry.
On another note: little girls nowadays scare me. I've never seen girls so young wear such little amounts of clothing and have such little amounts of respect for themselves. I want to slap Brittany Spears & tell her to put some clothes on. It really makes me sick to see 12yr olds in miniskirts & tubetops. What kind of message are they trying to send out? It just attracts the wrong type of attention. Guys dont date girls like that, they fuck them.
I'm excited to go home, my mom's got "suprises" for me. I'm scared- & shes got Dr's appt's & lady's luncheons planned for every day I'm there. I really cant wait to get to LA, but I know once I'm there, its going to go by SO fast. And I dont want it to. I looked up some cool tattoo places in LA- I will come back to Boston with something permanently implanted under my skin.
Love to you all. ~Jen "Time goes by so slowly for those who wait, & those who run seem to have all the fun."

::: posted by Jen at 1:37 PM

Friday, August 02, 2002 :::
 

Realization: At times, I am a lot of bad things. I am annoying, I am bossy, I am a hypocrite, I am jealous, I am immature, I am too mature, & I still expect others to treat me like the queen I am. Because I am not perfect. But I am perfect for me for now. And maybe thats not good enough for some people. Or maybe others dont appreciate it. Hell, I'll admit it, I can be downright difficult. And I know it. Maybe my thing is that I fully recognize all of my good traits & all of my bad traits- anything mean or rude anyone could say to me: chances are, I've heard it before from people I loved more. Its what people dont say that hurts. It's the silences. Its me doing all the work, & putting my voulnerable self out on a limb for people that hurts. No more. I'm making a vow to myself to never do that again. I'm not so much as going to IM another person 1st - I'm through being the person no one calls bc they assume I'll call them (bc I always do)- & I'm that person in a lot of aspects in my life. And its just because I think that if I dont do it myself, it wont get done, or things wont go as I'd like them to, which is true, but I think its time i stopped trying to take so much control of others & situations & take more control over my own actions. Yeah. Thats it. I need to stop neurotically obsessing & just let life live me. {sigh} Good times. Love to you all. ~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 1:55 AM

Thursday, August 01, 2002 :::
 

I had some great ideas on things to write. I had some really interesting things I wanted to share.I cant think of any of them right now, but I wanted to post. So I'm posting. Life is life, I suppose, with its ever present twists & turns. There are days when my phone doesnt stop ringing & weeks when it rings barely once. There are times I'm bored & times I've got too much to do. I over heard a girl who lives down the hall from me say "Happiness takes its toll."- (shes always wondering the hall on her phone)- & at 1st, I thought, "what kind of un-appreciative idot says something like that?"- but I think happiness does take a toll- when you don't appreciate it.
There's this bum, who I've seen 3 times now. The 1st time he talked to me, I didnt think much of it...just another bum. It was a muggy, hot day & he said " Smile, it's not that hot." Yesterday I was having a headachy day & I ran into this man again & this time he said "Smile, its not Monday!" And he made my day. Today I saw him again for a 3rd time & he said "Smile, its one day closer to Friday!"- And he lost his touch. Or his sincerity. Or something. I don't really know why I even wrote that- it's just something interesting in my little world. Saw Austin Powers- its FAH-HAB!! GO SEE IT! Mike Myers- YEAH BABY! STICK IT IN ME! LIFE! Yeah. That's about it. I go home in a little less then 2 weeks for a week of Dr's apts, hair apt, shopping, tanning, etc. Which means I've got to pack up my room. Crap.Um.....what else is new.....yeah thats pretty much it. Justin almost got voted off of American Idol- it was close- I would have cried ( & stopped watching every week) but hes still on- YAY! He didn't perform so hot last week, but whatever, he's still the winner. Hands down. I'm just sitting here looking at my mess & trying to think of how I'm going to start to pack...hrm...Oh well, Love to you & yours ~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 7:05 PM

Sunday, July 28, 2002 :::
 

Well, a week's gone by & it doesn't mean much except that I'm a week closer to being home & a week closer to being in LA. I did some casting for a PSA, did some EVVY Submission reviews, learned some sign language, the 'uge. After an afternoon w/ Jenni, Lala & Jeremy in the lab, all I have to say is, "Once you're popped, you can't stop!"- Jeremys stance on virgins turned nympho.
Good times, great oldies.
Love to you all! ~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 10:17 PM

Sunday, July 21, 2002 :::
 

It's been one of those weekends where I sleep way too late. Because I don't want my dreams to end. In my dreams everything always works out, and no matter how odd or bad a scenario is, I know deep down it will work out, because it is, in fact, a dream. But, then I reluctantly- (and I say reluctantly because for some reason I always start dreaming about sex right before I wake up & I'm all like NOOOO NOOOO DONT WANT TO WAKE UP NOOOO LET ME SLEEP DAMN BODY CLOCK!)-wake up somewhere between the hours of 1:30 & 3:30 in the afternoon and realize that on Monday, I won't be able to sleep so late and neglect the day. It's 3:37 as I write this and I'm not sure where my head has been lately. Things are kinda hard right now, even though I dont think theyre supposed to be. There aren't many classes or internship days left before I go home, but it seems like the weeks wont end. And I should start packing my shit.I just want to be in LA, and I know once I'm there Miles is going to have to drive away with me kicking and screaming. I love that fucking town. I love that whole fuckin state! Jenny asked me if I ever got lonely. And I do. But I dont get lonely in the traditional sense that I miss people or I miss being around my friends (although I do miss a select few)- I'm lonely for my future and all of its uncertanties. I live my life in 5year plans and right now I'm lonely for one in the distance. I'm lonely for my husband and my children of which I have neither right now. And I know that sounds wierd, but its just true.And dont think that I'm dissatisfied with my present, because I'm not. I just know that theres so much boundless infinate MORE out there for me to see and accomplish and it makes me antsy sometimes. I'm about 5 years away from the age my mom was when she had my brother. Not that I'm saying I want to get married & pop out babies NOW or anything (I'm still too selfish)- I dont know, I guess I'm just missing stability. And a family with 2.5 kids sounds stable to me right now.All my roomate does is talk about how we're at the age where we technically however many years ago should be doing all these mom/wife things and I can't help but wonder if I've met the man I'm going to marry yet or not. There's this kid in my class getting married in the end of Aug. and I cant help but be jealous of his fiancee even though I dont even know her name. He talks about her sometimes (maybe because all of the kids in the class are shocked and ask him stupid questions all the time)- but they were separated when he went to the LA program then they lived a few hours away from eachother for the 1st year or so of their relationship blah blah and I fucking hate them. No, not really, I'm happy for them, good for them. And I'm not saying that I want to be married right NOW, but again, stability.Some tiny sign of something. Instability makes me insecure. Yeah, thats it. I just figured that out. So do I try to find stability?- Or try to become more secure? I dont know, but I am rambling. I am so great: g-r-e-t. I am so smart: s-m-r-t. Dont worry about me worrying about the future. I got that.I dont worry, I contemplate. It's just one little thing, ok, one big thing on my mind. But just one. ;o) One thing I do know, whatver comes my way, it will be amazing. Because my life is amazing.
Love to you all
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 4:03 PM

Thursday, July 18, 2002 :::
 

Revelation of the day: I just realized that I was supposed to come to this school. Not for any reason other then to set in place the people that are in my life right now. Its wierd to think, but since I'm a year ahead in school, that if I wasnt, I wound't know ANY of the same people I do now. Because of that one decision, the entire path of my life is different than it potentially would have been. Who knows what I would have been like. But I'm glad that my life has taken the course it has so far. Everything for a reason- and I think that everything up to this point was as it was just so everyone that is in my life, at this time, would be in my life. If that makes sense.
On another note: I think I'm going to need glasses within a year or two from being on computers all day/ watching videos, etc. But thats ok, I like glasses, and maybe I'm just being paranoid, but my eyes do hurt & get blurry sometimes. CRAP_LATE FOR WORK. PO- Jen

::: posted by Jen at 1:32 PM

Wednesday, July 17, 2002 :::
 

My horoscope today read: "Underneath your smiles, however, you may still have some concerns that you're a little reluctant to let anyone else know about." Which is interesting, because I suppose it's true in some respects.
On another note: some people have a lot of nerve.
On yet another note: YAY LIFE!

::: posted by Jen at 4:45 PM

Tuesday, July 16, 2002 :::
 

And my amazing week keeps getting better!- Lots of love, lots of great conversations with people I love & people I dont talk to enough, free Monkees concert, free Mark Whalberg poster & over all good times. Now the Good Things Fairy has arrived again- this time in the form of Barnes & Noble.com thanks to Nicole. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is no longer missing from my life! The best thing about all of this is that I wasnt expecting one of them. Not one phone call, not one word, not anything. I am so happy. I am so overly simply happy.
YAY LIFE!
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 7:17 PM

Sunday, July 14, 2002 :::
 

Ok, once again I just want to state how amazing yesterday was. I made a tiny post about it but blogger is messed up & it hasnt posted yet & Im not sure if it will. Well, I havent written many poems lately, so I dug up this one from about 2 years back, because it pretty much explains where I'm at once again. Only now I'm a bit older & wisere & all those wonderful things you get out of growing up over a 2 year period.Once again, Blogger doesnt let me space out poems like they should be, so when something is capped, it should be a new line. "I Haven’t Written Many Poems Lately"

I threw my baby away
Too busy to dry its tears
Suffocated in my chest
Mixing with trivial voices and texts
Neglected by my nimble fingers
Grasping for a break in time
Time to nurture and console

I forgot my baby
Lost somewhere in the crowded streets
Flattened by the stampedes of
Carbon and monoxide
I searched in empty hearts and faces
In lips of friendly strangers
For the spirit of my love child

These friendly strangers
Their eyes shine through mine
Around me
And to the 7-11 on the corner
Where you have to walk arm in arm
Or give a hand
To the helpless

They are the lost children of day
Finding themselves in the night
By the shade of turning trees
And the romance of the local transit
And the graves of lost patriots
Pissing in the gutters
And searching for their reflection in puddles

I found a new version of myself
In the children around me
In the longing for the lips of those not so strange
But strangely wonderful enough
Under the romance of fluorescent lights
In nights on the street under my window
Whose shades are always shut tight

I stare at recycled skin
Biting the skin around my nails
Searching for the taste of someone I used to know
A young girl…a baby
From the phallic symbol of the States
Trying to learn to trust again and find love again and friendship some more.

::: posted by Jen at 2:39 PM

 

FUCKING BEST DAY EVER!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO! I LOVE TODAY SO MUCH IT IS THE BEST! -FREE MONKEES CONCERT!!!- & that was just the icing on the cake!
Love to you all!!!!!!!
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 12:12 AM

Wednesday, July 10, 2002 :::
 

"I know you've been sworn,
I read your complaint.
You're needing someone older.
And though I've been warned to live day by day,
there's something taking over.

Did you expect to kiss me one time
and look at me with the same eyes ever again?
So come on and face it.
So come on and face it.
It's time that we say it

You can cross the line whenever you want to,
I'm calling it love soon.
Close your mind and waste some time if you have to.
I'm calling it love soon.
It's not about you now,
it's what we are.

I understand I wasn't part of the plan.
A dollar short, a minute early.
So come on and face it.
So come on and face it.
It's time that we say it.

You can cross the line whenever you want to,
I'm calling it love soon.
Close your mind and waste some time if you have to.
I'm calling it love soon.
It's not about you now,
it's what we are.

Let's bypass the bullshit and move on because
the minute hand moves faster than you think it does.
And by no fault of yours, and by no fault of mine.
The bottom line is laying in the bed that we've been playing in tonight.

You can cross the line whenever you want to,
I'm calling it love soon.
Close your mind and waste some time if you have to.
I'm calling it love soon.
It's not about you now,
it's what we are."
~J. Mayer

::: posted by Jen at 9:05 PM

 

I have a large, important & titilating secret. However, I cannot disclose any further information about it at this point. Thank you & good evening.

::: posted by Jen at 4:31 PM

 

Note to self #1. Cut back on inside jokes/personal references in blog. It must be making people who arent mentioned feel excluded.
Note to self #2. Write more about what I'm actually doing with myself these days.
-What am I doing with myself these days, you ask??? Well, I quit Ben & Jerry's because it was ice cream hell- where I got paid shit money to do manual labor, hurt my wrist & my back & get fat off of junk food the one day a week they actually scheduled me. So, I said: Take this job & shove it!
To make up for the small amount of money I will be missing out on, I've picked up a substancial amount of hours at the Emerson Channel, which at least gives me my nights & weekends free to par-tay. Oh, who am I kidding?- all I do is sit on this computer & check my email, try to think of witty or inspirational things to write here, & chat incessently on AIM. I think its a bad thing that at some small scale party's I've been to lately, I've left early for whatever main reason (tired, drunk, etc)- but with the thought in the back of my head "Ooooh, I could be home & in my bed & online right now..." Yeah, I think thats a bad thing.
I've also realized that I've been playing Psychiatrist Jen with a good chunk of my friends lately, & I like it. It makes me feel important & flattered, actually, that friends choose to come to me with their problems. I guess it's just the neurotic, obsessive, sexually frustrated, good ole head Ive got on my shoulders. That, or I'm a sucker for anyone in need. I'm just one of those people who will be in the air if you say "Jump" before you even answer the question of: "How high?" I GIVE & I GIVE WITHOUT TAKING.....man, too bad my name's not Mandy. {OK ENOUGH WITH THE INSIDE JOKES! JEEBUS!}- sorry, just a little 4th of July Barry Manilow reference."I'd Barry his Manilow" Oh I never even talked about the 4th here, did I?- Well, I went out on the Charles w/a group of buddies.(Nikki,Jeremy, Dave,Paul,Geoffrey,Nikki's friend Michelle...i think that's everyone)- Well,we sat in the perfect spot: right in front of the TV monitor & in the center of the fireworks barge-thingy. It was absolutly amazing. Fireworks are one of the only things that really make me feel like a little girl. In the beginning of the event, about 5 (I think)- fighter piolets flew overhead & it kinda choked me up for a moment in that patriotic, pride, danger they put themselves in-thinking-of -their-families-&-kids-&-wives-at-home- sort of way. Which is odd for me, because I rarely cry, & I'm a little less then patriotic- I kinda want to be British- just a spot. But it was extreemly moving all the same.
And I think about whats going on in the world & what kind of world it will be for my children to grow up in, and I hope they dont have to be afraid of terrorist warnings like we do. I hope the world is a better place by then.
On another note: Have you ever felt like your heart was going to explode? If so, how did you stop it? Or did you?-& what happened when it finally did explode? Because I think mine's gone crazy, & I dont know what to do about it at all. Im out of practice, & like I've said, I have issues with crying, but I think my heart is leaking into my tearducts or something & they all explode sometimes. But, I know who/what the cause is, & I really dont mind so much at all.
I'm a little wired tonight from a long & FAH-HABULOUS nap today, so I just needed this long-winded creative romp in the land of Blog before heading off to the land of Nod.
"I like twinkies. And I say this, because we're all supposed to think of reasons to live."- The Perks of Being a Wallflower- READ IT!!! & while you're at it, buy me a new copy, wouldja? Because mines still missing.Goodnight & Love to you all. ~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 2:16 AM

Tuesday, July 09, 2002 :::
 

"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." ~Cher. I used to believe this quote, but I dont anymore. I've been thinking, & I've spent a good amount of time with the wrong guys. While, sure, being taken to the movies/fairs/dinner is nice, its just a waste of energy in retrospect because I knew at the time that it wasnt going anywhere & I didnt really care about them. I'd rather have a crappy time with a guy I know is the right guy then have a brainlessly fun time with a guy I know is wrong. "I'd rather have a moment of wonderful then a lifetime of nothing special."
I am a golden god.
Love to you all
~Jen
"Hey its the bitter barn!!!! -And theres a GOAT!!!!!!" -love u Shi-Fru.
Sarah & Miles: I miss you two more then you even fathom. My world is incomplete without you.

::: posted by Jen at 10:45 PM

Monday, July 08, 2002 :::
 

OHHHH MANDY!- YOU GIVE & YOU GIVE WITHOUT TAKING-!!!!!!!!!!!!!


That is all.

::: posted by Jen at 6:45 PM

Friday, July 05, 2002 :::
 

I can kill with a smile
I can wound with my eyes
I can ruin your faith with my casual lies
And I only reveal what I want you to see
I hide like a child
But I'm always a woman

I can lead you to live
I can take your or leave you
I can ask for the truth
But I'll never believe you
And I'll take what you give me as long as it's free
I steal like a thief
But I'm always a woman

Oh-I take care of myself
I can wait if I want
I'm ahead of my time
Oh-and I never give out
And I never give in
I just change my mind

I will promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then I'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But I'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause I'm always a woman


I'm frequently kind
And I'm suddenly cruel
I can do as I please
I'm nobody's fool
But I can't be convicted
I've earned my degree
And the most I will do
Is throw shadows at you
But Im always a woman

::: posted by Jen at 1:38 AM

Thursday, July 04, 2002 :::
 

i forgot to say his name! its by Saul Williams. my bad.

::: posted by Jen at 7:19 PM

 

So theres this beat poet I love. His book, SHE (only it has a square root symbal separating the S from the H...cool effect)- well, the book is an amazing collection of untitled works. He's got some CD's out too. I highly suggest checking him out. The only problem with posting poems here is that for some reason this blog thing doesnt let me space out poems the way they should be. It just kinda clumps everything together no matter what I do or how many times i press enter. So I'm just gonna put periods where there should be line breaks.But you'll get the idea. I know its long, but this one's my fave & its definatly worth the read:
" and she doesnt want to press charges. my yellow cousin. ghost of a gypsy. drunk off the wine. of pressed grapes. repressed screams. of sun shriveled raisins. and their dreams. interrupted. by a manhood deferred. will she ever sober? or will they keep handing her glasses. overflowing. with the burden of knowing. i never knew. never knew it would haunt me. the ghost of a little girl. in the desolate mansion. of my manhood. i am a man now. and then. i remember. that i have been charged. one million volts of change. will the ghost of that little girl. ever meet my little girl? she's one now. she must have been three then. maybe four. she's eighteen now. i'm twenty-five now. i must have been twelve then. my mother said he was in this thirties. and she's not pressing charges. although she's been indicted. and i cant blame her. i cant calm her. i want to call him names. but only mine seems to fit. 'come on lets see if it fits.' two little boys with magic marker . marked her and it wont come out. 'they put it in me.' 'no we didnt.' 'what are you talking about.' its not permanent. it will come out when you wash it. damn, maybe it was permanent. i cant forget. and i hope she doesn't remember. maybe magic marked her. lord, i hope he don't pull no dead rabbits outta that hat. whats she gonna do then? and what was Mary's story? story of a little girl. with a brother. and a couch. she's got a brother and a couch. a sister locked in a bedroom. and a mother on vacation. lord, dont let her fall asleep. her brother's got keys to her dreams. he keeps them on a chain. that now cuffs his wrists together. mummy doesn't believe he did it. but he's left footprints. on the insides of his sisters eyelids. and they've learned to walk without him. and haunt her daily prayers. and if you rub your fingers. ever so softly. on her inner thigh. she'll stop you. having branded your fingertips. with the footprints of her brother. the disbelief of her mother. and her sister. who called her a slut for sleeping. lord, ive known sleeping women. women who've slept for lives at a time. on sunny afternoons. and purple evenings. women who sleep sound. and live silently. some dreams never to be heard of again. i've known sleeping women. and have learned to tiptoe into their aroma. and caress myself. they've taught me how to sleep. having swallowed the moon. sleep till mid afternoon. and yearn for the silence of night. to sleep sound once again. painters of the wind. who know to open the windows. before closing their eyes. finding glory in the palate of their dreams. she had no dreams that night. the windows had been closed. the words of her subconcious. suffocated and bled. rivers of unanticipated shivers. and sounds that were not sleep. she was sound asleep. and he came silently. it wasnt the sun in her eyes. nor the noise of the children en route to school. she woke to the rays of an ingrown sun. fungused. that stung more then it burned. a saddened school ed route to children. who dared to sleep on a couch. exposed to their schizophrenic brother. only to wake to a new personality. one that doesn't trust. as much as it used to. and wears life jackets. to romantic relation ships. can't stand the touch of fingertips. damn, was that marker permanent? i hope she don't press charges. i hope they don't. press no more grapes into wine. because she might get drunk again. and fall asleep. Rise and Shine. my mother used to say. pulling back the clouds of covers. that warmed our night. but the fleshy shaddows. of that moonless night. stored the venom in its fangs. to extinguish the sun. rise and shine. but how can i. when i have crustied cloud configurations. pasted to my thighs. and snow-covered mountains in my memories. they peak into my daily. and structure my moments. they hide in the corners of my smile. and in the shaddows of my laughter. they've stuffed my pillow. with overexposed reels. of ABC after-school specials. calamity makes cousins of us all. and the feathers of woodpeckers. that have bore hollows into the ring of time. that now ring my eyes. and have stumped the withered trunk of who i am. i must re member. my hands have been tied. behind the back of another day. if only i could have them long enough. to dig up my feet. which have been planted. in the soiled sheets of a harvest. that only hate could reap. i keep trying to forget. but i must re member. and gather the sacred continents. of a self once whole. before they plant flags. and boundry my destiny. push down the warted mountains. that blemish this soiled soul. before the valleys of my concience. get the best of me. i'll need a passport just to reach the rest of me. a vaccination. for a lesser god's bleak history."

::: posted by Jen at 7:18 PM

 

Dracula 2000
soundtrack lyrics


System of a Down - Metro
"I am alone
sitting with my broken glass
my four walls follow me through my past
i was on a paris train
i emerged in london rain
and you waiting there swimming through apologies
i remember searching for the perfect word
i was hoping you might change your mind
i remember a soldier standing next to me
riding on the metro
i went smiling as you took my hand
so removed we spoke in french
you were passed a shallow word
years have passed and still the hurt
you were past a shollow word
years have past and still the hurt
i can see you now smiling as i pulled away
sorry
i remember a letter wrinkled in my hand
i love you always filled my eyes
i remember the night we walked along the seine
riding on the metro
i remember a feeling coming over me
the soldier turned and walked away
i was hoping you might change my mind
fuck you for loving me
riding on the metro"

::: posted by Jen at 2:22 AM

Tuesday, July 02, 2002 :::
 

If you steal or "borrow" a quote from my site, you'd better fuckin credit me.

::: posted by Jen at 11:37 AM

 

So I got bored & thought I'd check out my high school's (Alexander W. Dreyfoos Jr. School of the Arts) web page. Of course, being summer, the Flash part of the site is under construction, but heres what it had to say about what I did for 4 years of my life: Communication Arts:
The Communication Arts Program is the first of its kind to exist anywhere in the United States.(I didnt even know that!) It offers a multi-strand curriculum that includes speech (producing National Champs like moi), writing for production, creative writing, desktop publishing, graphic design, television, audio, and radio production. This program prepares students to be communications leaders who will direct, channel, and maximize the media’s impact on society.
-Yeah I did that. Go me. -

::: posted by Jen at 11:16 AM

Sunday, June 30, 2002 :::
 

To quote Steven Tyler: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack in the saddle agaaaiin. I've been crazy lately. I dont know what has been up with me. I've been acting like an overly emotional nutbag. Maybe I've been PMSing, but I think it's just been a transitional thing, coming back from such a life altering experiance and trying to blend everything I learned & everything I saw into the person I was before I left while trying to relate the experiance to the people I love. It's been really hard for me, just jumping back into the boston scene while feeling so many strong emotions for so many things & people. I've been feeling in ways I never knew I would about people I never expected to care for even half as much as I do. And my heart is tired from trying to figure things out, things which shouldnt even be attempted. But, the 1st summer session is almost all over- Tuesday is the last day! Then its just a month & a half till I'm in Chi-town, & then LA. I can't wait to go to LA. It just feels like home to me, and I could use a bit'o that feeling. I'm happy though. I've been goin out a lot, meeting lots of new people, & really just livin life as it comes to me. I live & love with both hands, & sometimes my feet. Sure, things may get messy sometimes, but anyother way just wouldnt be half as fun!
Love to you all!
~Jen
P.S.
I promise to write more often! Sorry! Quit complaining- All of you!

::: posted by Jen at 11:30 PM

Friday, June 28, 2002 :::
 

I can't find my faveorite book I've re-read about 5 times now & highlighted, etc. Its either packed somewhere in the depths of all my shiot, or I remember lending it to someone, & I'm not sure if I ever got it back...this makes me sad. I love this book & wanted to re-read it again-. I guess I'll have to buy a new copy eventually, whenever I have the 10bucks to spare, which I dont right now. Oh, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower"- how I miss you so.....

::: posted by Jen at 6:24 PM

Thursday, June 27, 2002 :::
 

I've been alone a lot lately, just me & my computer & my TV. I try to make plans, always fall through. I'm in a funk. When I'm alone too long I get kinda depressed, so I dont know. I dont know what to do. I'm working over 50 hours a week for crap money, I've got a sprained wrist (or something). I just need something in my life to make me happy right now without me having to work for it. Something simple & happy. Or someone. Im looking foreward to goin to see the new house & going to LA in Aug., but thats about 2 months from now. But Nikki will be in town next week- so that shoud definatly be fun! I just wish I could do what I know I need to do to make things ok with myself.

::: posted by Jen at 8:52 PM

Wednesday, June 26, 2002 :::
 

I've found that if you don't expect anything from/of anyone, you won't get dissapointed.

::: posted by Jen at 2:29 AM

Saturday, June 22, 2002 :::
 

Well, I don't have much to say except that I don't really want to go to work tonight, but I've got tomorrow off-YAY! I'm probably just gonna read a book for class & lay out in the common & get a tan if the weather permits, because I am white as a freakin ghost. I end up waiting for a lot of things in life...I was waiting to go to college, waiting to go home, waiting to go to europe, waiting to come back, now I'm waiting for Aug. but waiting for things/people isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm really excited about driving cross country with Miles, I think it's going to be awesome. And, I've decided that I'm having THE college experiance. Sorority life, traveling, cross-country road trip....these are the days I will tell my children about and see in their eyes the hope that they will one day get the chance to experiance things even greater then their mother did. {Sidenote: my kids are gonna be HOT}-
Did I ever post here that I cut my own hair about a week ago? Just a few inches, most people dont see me often enough to really notice, but I did a good job & its cute. I just got bored with it & needed a change. It was too long.
I can't wait to get my tattoo either, I'm gonna wait till I go to LA & Miles & I are going to get them at the same time. My mom's all like "NOOOOO" but she'll get over it.
I dont know what to do with some people in my life. Maybe I'll try what my mom always threatened with me when I was little & give them back to the Indians. Although I never was quite sure what that meant. But I think I know what I have to do, which is just so hard because I don't know if I have the heart to do it.
"You keep me coming back for more. There's a lot that I could say."
"Has it been taken? Is my heart breakin? Empty."

::: posted by Jen at 4:59 PM

 

Tonight was the 1st good night of the week. Went to a par-tay out at Katie McG's & Lil' Adam's apt, grav'd & got wicked fucked. I'm just drained. Emotionally drained. I have nothing to give anyone right now. Nothing I can give. Nothing. Issues are on their way to beling resolved I think. I don't know though. Some issues just linger on the brain. I haven't been going out much because I'm usually so tired when I get home that I dont feel like going anywhere, or I dont have the $ to get there. I'm stoned & tired & stuff. I should go to sleep.
'night all.

::: posted by Jen at 3:30 AM

Thursday, June 20, 2002 :::
 

So today (or yesterday rather) was a frustrating & wierd day. I felt like I was not quite awake all day, like I was walking around in one of those dreams where you know in the dream that you're just dreaming. If that makes any sense.I made a hard but what I feel to be correct decision today about some issues in my life & all will work out in time. Tomorrow I'm going late to class because I'm going with Allie to observe a class of deaf children she teaches for a "field trip" assignment. Boyfriend was in town, we drove around for almost 2 hours-completly lost-but only like 15min from the city. We had no idea where we were. It was the most fun I've had in ages! I just looked at a friends website from the castle. I'm kinda castlesick now. I wasnt before at all, because my heart was in Boston. But now my heart is kinda all over the place, so I don't know if I'm coming or going half of the time. I'm just going through the motions. Get up, go to class, walk back, log videos, come back sit online, watch TV, go to bed, sleep, get up, scoop ice cream....the only thing I really enjoy is my internship. I really love casting & am excited about my future in the field-its the first reliable & steady, yet fun thing I've ever wanted to do in my life. I'm anxious to be an adult. And every time I freakin see that Evian water commercial I want to reach into that TV & grab out one of the babies & keep it & raise it as my own. Those are the cutest things I have ever seen, I dont care if theyre digital. I WANT ONE. I've been in this maternal stage for way too long now.
"I want a bump, I want a bump of...Daddy, I want a bump of K now!...now!...now!"
RIDE THE RYTHM!!!!
Quote of 2000 & forever: "Thats like giving someone a lollypop & leaving the wrapper on!"-LIL John- partyin it up Rev'rend Style!
*Love to you all*
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 1:50 AM

Monday, June 17, 2002 :::
 

Wow, It's been a while. A week, & thats a while for me. I guess I don't have as much free time as I did when I was living in a castle eating figs & dates. Times are craaazaay! I started Ben & Jerry's-all the ice cream I can eat while I work= a bad, bad thing. So I'm beginning to get in shape again. Cutting out the sweets & exercizing again. I figure I lost a lot of weight the summer before my junior year of high school, & this is the summer before my junior year of college, so it's about that time. My internship ROCKS. On my first day I cast a Mighty Mighty Bostones music video & a Dunkin Donuts commercial. I'm the only intern that really wants to go into casting as a carrear so they give me special projects & I really really love it. I'm just working my bootay off to make money & get out of debt & buy a plane ticket to LA. Blargh. I'm just really worn out at the end of the day & don't have the energy or funds to do much else. I'm looking foreward to next Sunday-my 1st day off in 2 weeks-WHOHOO! I know I shouldn't complain because my bestest buddy is working herself to the ground this summer, so I count my blessings. *Love you Sarah* My computer is busted. It's a sick baby boy. I need to defrag it, but everytime I try the damn thing freezes or malfunctions or blows up, I dunno. So, I'm gonna have to wait till I have some free time to sit & watch it & make sure it behaves. I can't even watch my DVD's on it because I don't have enough free memory to run it! I couldnt watch Moulin Rouge! BUT: ~Love to everyone who reads this little thing of mine~ I'm goin to sleep...long day tomorrow. Wish me luck. "It was so easy in the beginning. When you didn't feel like running from your feelings. Like you are now. What happened? What do I remind you of? Your past? Your dreams? Or some part of yourself that you just can't love?"-MADONNA

::: posted by Jen at 1:34 AM

Monday, June 10, 2002 :::
 

I've gotten complaints (ok, one)- that I haven't written enough lately. I think thats a good thing, that I'm not sitting here writing all the time, that I'm getting out & having a life again, but I must keep the masses happy. My mom was in town, now shes gone, so I've got to really start working this week. For real. 7days a week. I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and watch my Moulin Rouge DVD and be girly & cry and release all the emotion I've got locked up right now. Its been an emotional weekend I think. Things are never as simple in reality as they are in conception. Quality cuddle time. "Do we have a turtle?"
I feel a poem comin on, so I'll probably be updating again soon. "...so kiss me hard 'cause this will be the last time that I let you."
I miss Sarah & Miles :(

::: posted by Jen at 6:21 PM

Tuesday, June 04, 2002 :::
 

"You and I got something
But it's all and then it's nothing to me
And I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions for me
And we wake up in the breakdown
Of the things we never thought we could be

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all


And I want to get free talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone

I have no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all



And I don't need the fallout of all the past
That's here between us
And I'm not holding on"

"I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees

Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?"

And now a line from Moonstruck which I've never seen the whole thing of:
-Someday, you'll realize that this is for the best.
-Someday you'll drop dead and I'll go to your funeral in a red dress.
HA-gotta love it.

::: posted by Jen at 5:12 PM

Monday, June 03, 2002 :::
 

"And just like the Movies, we play out our last scene. I won't cry. You won't scream."
I'm just chillin out. I've been waiting to start my 2nd job & my internship until after my mom leaves (she'll be here for alumni weekend from Wed.-Mon. which means I'm getting my clothes & my laptop back!! JOY!) So yeah, I've just been sleeping & staying up late, watching TV, going online when the computer gods permit, & thinking too much. I haven't seen that much of my castle buddies lately because we've all been busy getting our lives back on track from where we left off which is understandable, but sad all the same. I think I'll see more of them once things settle down & get back to as normal as they ever were. Until then, I'm just here. Just me. I've got my moments. I think I haven't written enough lately. I was just talking to an old friend-my best friend from 6th-12th grade actually. We don't talk much anymore because times & people change, & I'm not having the best day for neumerous reasons, but the convo went a bit like this:
Me: "I'll be fine, I always am" Her: "Yeah, you are. But I bet it gets old. It was old 4 years ago. It was old in the 8th grade." and shes right. I've gone through some shiznit. There's been worse times & there's been better, but no matter what I know I'll be ok. Life's just a bitch sometimes, but I've got good friends who care about me more then they should. I'm stuck thinking back to last summer & how horrible it was. How I almost didn't come back to Emerson, was on the outs with some amazing people, was confused & just plain didnt know who I was or what I wanted from life. Not to say I've been given a divine gift & know the answers to all of lifes little tricks, but I did learn a great amount about myself last summer, & I'm afraid I've forgotten it, or at least just pushed it to the back of my mind. And thats a shame, because I learned about my worth and what I will & will not stand for as a person. The truth is, I'm worth a lot more then the crap I accept from people, & I'm a lot smarter then I sometimes present myself to be. I learned that I both need people & dont need people. (Sidenote: new conclusion: I dont need a man to have children. I know thats a big DUH- it's seen on TV a lot Women having babies on their own, but I never thought about it for myself before. If the time comes when I want to have a child & I'm not married or anything, I can & will do it on my own. Because I can.)- So thats that. I wrote a bad poem last week I think I may post at some point Just for emotional release. Other then that I'm just in Boston. Being.
And an Ex of mine just IMed me to tell me hes going to be in school in RI in 2 weeks. Riiiight. *note to self: theres a reason hes an ex*

::: posted by Jen at 8:56 PM

Sunday, June 02, 2002 :::
 

This summer:
2 Jobs (Emerson Channel & Ben & Jerry's)
+1 Internship (Boston Casting)
+2 Awesometastic Roomates =
ONE CRAZY SUMMER
"I dreamed you, I saw your face. Cut my lifeline when drifting through space. I saw an angel. I saw my fate. I can only thank God it was not too late. Over mountains I floated away. 'Cross an ocean I dreamed your name. I followed an angel down through the gates, I can only thank God it was not too late. Sing a little song of loneliness. Sing one to make me smile. Another round for everyone, I'm here for a little while. Now I'm walking this street on my own. But you're with me everywhere I go. Yeah I found an angel. I found my place. I can only thank God it was not too late. I can only thank God it was not too late."

::: posted by Jen at 6:47 PM

Tuesday, May 21, 2002 :::
 

There's some things I expect from my life, both overall & day to day. I make plans for myself & stick to them. 5 year plans, day to day plans. They all work out. Usually. There was one thing I was expecting upon my homecoming that didnt happen. One little thing that I wasnt going to get my hopes up about, but still thought about like mad. One little thing fell through in a way I did not expect it to & came crashing through my frustrations. But, as I always say, time rewards. It just may take a while sometimes for others to appreciate what you are willing to give. But I've got a job (Programing Asst. for the Emerson Channel) that I was supposed to start today, now I'm not starting till Thursday. And I've been emailing back & forth with a local talent ageny & it looks like I might be getting an internship as well this summer. Go me. I am a golden god. Got an apt, movin in Sept. 1st. Ive got great friends who let me crash at their apts because I am homeless until the 27th. Now I just need to make $$, pay off my credit card, & get a ticket to LA for Aug. Little things, little things.
that is all.
Simply,
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 4:27 PM

Saturday, May 04, 2002 :::
 

omfg it is so good to be home. But, heres a lil sumthin I wrote on my last night at the castle, in part as a note to all of those who I grew close to in the semester. I'm going to email it to the entire group once the contact list goes out:
I am leaving the castle tomorrow moring. Forever. ( or at least until our potential 2012 May 1st reunion). This has been the most intimate experiance of my life and I love all of my 78 castle dwellers. We have all shared an experiance that no one else could ever begin to understand, in fact, I hardly understand it myself sometimes. I will cherish all of the memories and bonds we have made in our semester studying & traveling in europe, forever. You are the makers of the stories I will one day share with my children. I've been looking so foreward to going home- yet now that its here, I want to continue to build the friendships I have made & continue on my path here. But life, as it is crazy sometimes, is leading all of us back to Bostonm and although the setting & time will be different I know that the respect and utter joy I feel for all of you will continue. Thank you for the memories, laughs, hugs, dances, tears, and above all, friendship. We are truely a group with "special energy" There are so many good people in this world, & I feel privelidged to have shared this experiance with all of you.
So thats that letter-then, because the internet was down & I couldnt write here, I made some notes to myself on paper:
I will miss the Vink.
I have lived in a CASTLE for almost 4 months. I have been to over 10 countries. I never thought I would cry about leaving. I never thought that when Miles said that theyd all be waiting for me when I got back that they would be. I never thought I would/could have such good friends. My friends are amazing people.
I've learned that I'm very low mantenance in all relationships in life...day to day life, not so much. (i already knew i couldnt spell...)
i forgot all about PUSH IT DOWN for waaaaaay too long.
i got a cell phone. it r0ks0rs my b0cks0rs.
you can call me ANYTIME...ANY TIME- right.
Love & Epherial Giddyness to you all,
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 9:02 PM

Sunday, April 28, 2002 :::
 

OMG BEST SONG EVER:
Tenacious D-gotta love it.
If you haven't ever heard this song, you MUST download it. Its even better put to music!


"You don't always have to fuck her hard, in fact sometimes that's not right. Sometimes you got to make some love, and fuckin' give her some smoochies too. Sometimes you got to squeeze. Sometimes you got to say please. Sometimes you got to say

Hey! I'm gonna fuck you softly. I'm gonna screw you gently. I'm gonna hump you sweetly. I'm gonna ball you discreetly!

And then you'll say hey I brought you flowers. And then you'll say wait a minute. I think I got something in my teeth, could you get it out for me? That's fucking teamwork!

What's your favorite posish? That's cool with me it's not my favorite but I'll do it for you. What's your favorite dish? I'm not gonna cook it but I'll order it from Zanzibar! And then I'm gonna love you completely, and then I'll fucking fuck you discreetly, and then I'll fucking bone you completely. But then I'm gonna fuck you hard! Hard!"

::: posted by Jen at 7:56 PM

Friday, April 26, 2002 :::
 

On the day I went away, goodbye was all I had to say. Now I want to come again and stay. 'Cause I've seen blue skies through the tears in my eyes. And I realize I'm going home. I'm going home. Everywhere, it's been the same feeling, like I'm outside in the rain, wheeling. Free to try and find a game. Dealing cards for sorrow, cards for pain.
'Cause I've seen blue skies through the tears in my eyes. And I realize I'm going home. I'm going home. I'm going home. I'm going home.
~Rocky Horror Picture Show~

::: posted by Jen at 2:27 PM

Thursday, April 25, 2002 :::
 

So today was the last day of classes. I am officially a junior now. wow. Wierd. We had an open acting class today so people got to come in & watch our scenes-which felt rewarding. It was just sad to leave that class, our prof. is an awesome awesome woman. But I'm feeling stressed out about the 2 finals I have & the packing I have to finish-its at the stage where its too early to really start packing things that I might need, but I really need to continue the process. And-I have about 3million things I need to do when I get back to Boston (apply for classes, get a new ID Card, get a job). I just can't wait to get back & continue with life. 6 Days. WOW. WOW. WOW. "Why cant I get just one kiss? Why can't I get just one kiss? Must be somethin' that I missed..cause I look at your face & I, I need a kiss. Why can't I get just one fuck? Why can't I get just one fuck? Must have somethin to do with luck...cause I've been waiting all my life & I, I need a fuck. Daaaaaay after daaaay...."-VIOLENT FEMMES-bring all of their equipment on the bus. And you cannot fuck with the Violent Femmes. You cannot fuck with this band. Vinkin' it tonight with the other 78 Castle Dwellers. I'll report back later when I'm good & schloshed.
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 2:24 PM

Tuesday, April 23, 2002 :::
 

I went to bed at around 5:30am. I wasnt tired I guess. I think I'm a wanna-be insomniac, but I settle for just being a wanna-be vampire-out all night sucking the life out of myself & others only to sleep in the sun until noon, or later, depending on when classes are. But last night I was talking to my brother online- he emailed me the first part of his memoirs he's in the process of completing. It was really interesting in a way I cant explain to be able to read a pre-qual to my own autobiography. It moved me to tears. I also found out, through him, that my grandmother is moving to Arizona when my mom moves to Chicago. My unle & aunt live in Arizona & my aunts parents are in an assisted living facility there, & since my uncle's paying, she has no choise. Im so scared that I'm not going to see her before she passes away. Shes the only person that has ever been truely GOOD to me my entire life. I miss my nana, I'm gonna write her a letter & see if my mom & I can go visit her over my x-mas break. We'll see I suppose. It's just upsetting. I'm obstaining from the "Castle Olyimpics"-a spirit week esq thing of games, etc. Not because I'm "too cool" or even too busy to participate, but because I'm not here anymore. I am 100% removed from what are my last days in the castle. I was sitting watching a movie last night & I swear there was someone sitting next to me who I know is thousands of miles away. It's just 9 days now. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning.

::: posted by Jen at 12:53 PM

Monday, April 22, 2002 :::
 

"And I think it's gonna be a long, long time till touchdown brings me 'round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at all. Oh nonono. I'm a rocket man." I am a rocket man. "Well you know the way I left was not the way I planned; But I thought the world needed love and a steady hand."
My time here is coming to a quick close. It seems like just yesterday the busses pulled up to the castle for the 1st time and we all emmerged with wonder, mystery & excitement in our eyes, questioning what was to be. But now all the sites have been seen, countries explored, ,journies & pictures taken, and we await our flight home with a certain sad willingness-Sad to leave but greatful to have had the experiance in & of itself & we're all greatly looking foreward to seeing our friends & family (& friends that are more like family) once again. I feel as though I have so many stories to share, yet no words to really explain the things I've seen, people I've encountered or even the friendships I have built in my time at the castle, but I look foreward to trying. You all know I am rarely at a loss for words. I've really grown into myself here-as the quiet observer of socail situations & making up for that by being the loud vibrant friend who gives good advice & can be counted on for a euro here or there,bum a smoke etc, or just to be there to rub a back, hold back hair, or be a shoulder to cry on. I've tried to be a "sponge" as my favorite novel, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," boasts.
I've done the "When in Rome.." to the fullest extent of its literal & figurative limitations & have truely discovered that, as clishe as it may be, "Home is where the heart is" & "Theres no place like home"-& right now, my heart & my home are in Boston. My family is moving to Chi-town in a week or so, so with that, I'm not sure when I will be in FL again-& thats wierd, being born & raised there. My friends in sunny F-L-A, you ALWAYS have a place to stay in beantown & I cherish everything that we have been to eachother since high school (centuries ago, eh?), whether I tell you enough or not. But, I figure, "the world needs love & a steady hand," thus, it is my time to move on once again. As Billy Joel puts it well, "Life is a series of hello's & goodbyes. I'm afraid its time for goodbye again." At every goodbye there is just another hello waiting around the corner. In my case, around the customs corner after a 6hr flight (ba-dum-bum chig!). But seriously folks, I am a happy person. Some where in my wicked childhood I MUST have done something good. I believe that life rewards you for taking chances & coming to europe was a big chance for me-a chance to explore & grow & also a chance with uncertainty-4 months of uncertainty with people & issues left behind, troubles i might encounter & things I might discover about myself. I have taken on this chance & conquered it barely breaking a neuroticly-over-analytical sweat.
Goodnight & Love to you,
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 8:40 PM

 

Today is perfect. Its warm & sunny here at the Castle. I had two classes already today & just took a walk into town to go to the market. Everyone is outside riding bikes (people from ages 2-100 ride bikes here). Lots of people with dogs & baby's etc. It's just a perfect day. 10days left here until I return to the good ole U-S-of-A.Wow. Time sure flies.
Love & Epherial Giddyness to you all,
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 11:10 AM

Saturday, April 20, 2002 :::
 

In the Netherlands, everyday is 4/20, but today was stil special to us. I got up early to go get my hair done in Bergen w/LJ. Turned out really really nice suprisingly, bc I was scared of what the outcome would be-BUTmy hair is pretty much its natural color, but with honey blond highlights all over it & its really soft too! They did however, use those old fashioned caps they pull your hair through which hurt SO BAD...its like someone tweasing your hairs out of your head, or a really long wax...even worse with long, thick hair like mine. But, beauty is pain i suppose. After that, LJ & I had planned to go to Amsterdam, but we decided that we had disserved chinese for a late lunch, so we hopped on the bus & went to Nijmegan (the next big city over from Bergen) & found a coffee shop! Came back to the castle, smoked for 4:20 on 4/20 for Boston at 10:20 our time, & just got back from smoking at 4:20 LA time which is 1:20am for me. Also: best quote of the night award goes to: Chris O.: "You must open your eyes & look at the world as though it is your dream."
Song of the day that we actually heard while we were smoking "I was gonna clean my room but then I got high, I was gonna get up & find the broom, but then I got high. My room is still messed up & I know why..yeah yeah because I got high because I got high because I got high" & its funny because I meant to do that today & it just didnt happen. Its funny cause its true! & on a final note: LJ & I contemplated having sex with random guys because we NEED it. We really didnt even talk to them, but after we left the coffee shop it was like "DAMN-" Excpet LJ has a FAB boyfriend & were not those types of girls.
IF U WANT MY BODY & U THINK IM SEXY COME ON SUGAR LET ME KNOW.......song....in..head..dont...know...why...
PO & love to you all
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 8:02 PM

Friday, April 19, 2002 :::
 

HAPPY 4/20 EVERYONE!!!!! MY ASS IS IN A-'DAM FOR THE DAY WHOO HOOO. I'm fixin to get myself all stupid & shit.
PS: 12 Days & Counting.
"And I've finally found that everybody loves to love you when you're far away."

::: posted by Jen at 6:42 PM

 

"they say goldfish have no memory
i guess their lives are much like mine
the little plastic castle
is a surprise every time
it's hard to say if they are happy
but they don't seem much to mind

from the shape of your shaved head
i recognized your silhoutte
as you walked out of the sun and sat down
and the sight of your sleepy smile eclipsed all the other people
as they paused to snear at the two from out of town

and i said "look at you this morning
you are by far the cutest
but be careful getting coffee
i think these people wanna shoot us
people talk about my image
like i come in two dimensions
like lipstick is a sign of my declining mind
like what i happen to be wearing the day
that someone takes my picture
is my new statement for all of womankind

i wish they could see us now
in leather bras and rubber shorts
like some ridiculous team uniform
for some ridiculous new sport
quick someone call the girl police
and file a report

in a coffee shop in a city
which is every coffee shop
in every city
on a day which is every day"

"i am walking
out in the rain
and i am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again
and i am getting
nowhere with you
and i can't let it go
and i can't get through...
the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door
on the first floor
she's listening through the air shaft
to see how long our swan song can last
and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
i am writing
graffiti on your body
i am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
i am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
i am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands
in each other's shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
and i'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and when we leave the landlord will come
and paint over it all
and i am walking
out in the rain
and i am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and i am getting nowhere with you
and i can't let it go
and i can't get through
so now use both hands
please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
i am writing graffiti on your body
i am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
how hard we tried"

That was a little Ani DeFranco. I NEVER liked her before but I'm just starting to really appreciate her lyrics/style, etc.

::: posted by Jen at 1:36 PM

Thursday, April 18, 2002 :::
 

"my heart is going to explode in my body & just dissolve into the rest of me"- part of my convo. with my SDL about what will be going on May 2nd. Love to everyone. So much love. "Wait, so ur just gonna steal my boy as soon as u get off the plane?" -SDL "No, I'm gonna steal his girl 1st"-Me. "Wait then thats how many days till I get some? Ok then." SARAH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH U HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA, you help me to realize the person I am truely inside- by forcing me to really listen to what I say & think about what both myself & others mean by their actions. I dont know what I would do without you.
Miles: You are still my rock. I miss my rock.

::: posted by Jen at 7:09 PM

Wednesday, April 17, 2002 :::
 

Walking back from the Vink tonight I couldnt help but become enveloped in the fog that had setteled onto the tiny town of Well. The thick air seemed to create a glowing halo around "the bench" from the nearby lamp post & also made a romantic drift hovering around the castle itself. The past two nights at the Vink everyones sexual frustration seemed to become outragiously apparent. On another note: I GOT MY BELLYBUTTON PIERCED TODAY. So randomly. It seems every weekend for the past month I've said "im getting my bellybutton pierced" but it never actually happens, & today my friend Missy was like "I want to get my septum pierced, want to come with me to Venlo?" & since I didn't have class till 4:30, I went along. The place we went was THE cleanest place I've ever seen. The guy who pierced us was SO throughough-he spent probably 20min explaining how they steralize everything-it was amazing. Mine didnt hurt at all-didnt even get red. Its perfect. I have a new toy to play with!!! (once it heals completly of course.) YAY!
"Oh, my Love, I came to you with best intentions. You lay down, and give to me just what I'm seeking. Say, Love, you drive me to distractions."
Come what May.
May 2nd.
4pm.
Logan Airport.
BE THERE!

~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 6:37 PM

Monday, April 15, 2002 :::
 

Today durring one of the 15min breaks from classes we get, a group of oh....20 of us gathered to watch part of the Marathon on the BBC. We were all practically in tears, squealing with excitement at the sight of Boston, "Oh my god! They're on Comm. Ave!" "Thats Kenmore! So many of my friends live there!" "Oooooh BOSTON!!" It was really rediculous. So on that note: 16 days & counting till im home in bean town again! May2nd 4pm. logan airport, BE THERE!
I miss so many of you so much you have no idea.
Sarah, my SDL, sister & best friend, I miss your laugh more then anything
Miles-comfort buddy ;) & best buddy who sucks at the whole email thing. I miss your dumb ass so much. Shutthefuckup. I cant wait to use our hot zippos together again!
I Love you both
World: these are my 2 best friends. I apologize if they happen to make you NAUSIOUS with their RETARDEDNESS for eachother....

Nikki I cant wait to see you again! It's going to be F-U-B!

John-Our apt-I think we need to inform Better Homes & Gardens that theres a gonna be a hot new pad in Boston next year...im thinking front page & massive photo spread!

There's someones skin I miss the taste of.

::: posted by Jen at 9:25 PM

 

Some will fall in love with life and drink it from a fountain that is pourin like an avalanche comin down the mountain

::: posted by Jen at 9:06 PM

 

Cosmo Magazine: a Girl's Best Friend:
Sex Moves He'll Never Forget: 1.) She whispered"I want to sink my teeth into you," and nibbled my shoulder. (so cute) 2.) A date reached between my legs and asked, "Is that for me?" -HAHA...3.)She would wake me up by going down on me. (Not a bad wake-up call I'd say). 4.)She initiated 69. (Hell yes). 5.)She would always say that there wasn't anyplace she'd rather be. 6.)We did it on a swing. (sounds difficult, but fun!) 7.)She suprised me once by blindfolding me and making me take off my clothes, then just touched me for 20minutes until she finally went down on me. (must try). 8.)Lots of eye contact 9.)She said "Not to be crude, but you have a truely awesome penis. 10.)She said "I might die if you don't have sex with me right now!"
There are 75 but those are just some that I loved
Also in this issue:
Things to Never Apologize For:
-Openly ogling men.-Splurging on Jewlery.-Watching shows like Temptation Island & loving every minute of it!-Scoring free samples.-Putting out on the 1st date. (as long as you're safe, sober, & adult).-Being brutally honest.-Abandoning your razor for a week..(or 2 or 3...)-Writing off a guy.-Letting your alter ego run rampant.-Having a crush (whether you're in a reltionship or not).-Carrying condoms.-Owning a vibrator.-Standing up to your family.-Getting What You Want In Bed.-Enjoying Porn.-Taking up space.-Digging Domesticity!-Wearing Granny Panties.

I LOVE COSMO! ;o}

::: posted by Jen at 7:28 PM

 

Over the required excursion to Munich I also visited the first concentration camp ever built: Dachau.I was in tears the entire day, and I am still processing the entire thing.
But I did write a new poem/stream of councious thing, its not titled as of yet & I'm not sure if its done or not either:
I smoke because it goes with my style. Makes a good accessory to any outfit. Like my nose ring. A hard blank statement of "dont fuck with me"-ness. And I think it's because I've been fucked with enough. Pushed around by my heart strings and led around by my umbilical cord. The Marlbourough Man screams, "I'll burn you, fucker!" Just because I don't speak your native tongue doesn't mean I couldn't kick your ass if you look at me the wrong way or slyly whisper "How YOU Doin?!" in my unwilling virgin ears...even though they've heard much worse from men who are much more deadly. At least with "How YOU Doin?!" you know what they mean and what they want. Because declorations of my unwavering beauty and strength don't mean shit if you're a shallow hole of a man-boy. At least "How YOU Doin?!" is the truth. Unlike materiail gifts to buy my love. I'm not that easy. Don't get me anything unless it's a big chain of the truth, and even then, I just want a picture of you with it hanging around your neck. You- subjective you. You in general. You as a populace. My nails and my gut are growing out, throw me the file, quick! I need to make another notch in my belt of hard knocks before the beauty of my surroundings sets in and I become no more then just another pretty statue.
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 11:59 AM

 

Hmm, been a while, things here have been crazy. Travel break started with a group excursion to Munich. I personally didn't know what to expect in that city, but I had an amazing time there. Emerson took over this enourmous beer place called the Hoffbraugh House, crazyness ensued. Then the next night I went out with Jen W., Brad, LJ & Drew to a local bar & ended up playing the best game of "AssHole" in my life. We started asking really indepth questions such as "Go around & say one thing you like about each person at the table" "Say one way you've changed at the castle" "Explain the scariest moment in your life" etc. By the end of the night we had all cried, & I dont cry. I've had an issue with that lately, so it was amazing to get out a lot of emotion I had been holding back for whatever reason. Brad bought a red rose for his girl Jen W. & white roses for me & LJ. It was really a fabulous night. Even the days in Munich were fab. Lots of museams & squares & GREAT SUSHIIIIIIII I LOVE SUSHI! I'd missed it sooo much.
Then I left Munich with Christine to go to Rome. Our friend Heather joined us the next day (shes in Art II so had an extra day of required things in Munich). Rome was astounding-toured the Collesuim, ancient ruins, fountains, etc. Was in Rome for 3 days, then left for Florence-the weather was shit there. It was in Florence I discovered I really am a very different traveler than the girls I was with. They liked to get up early & look at churches all day. Personally I've had my fill of churches for a lifetime, and after seeing the Sistine Chapel & The Notre Damn, nothing could ever compare, so I went off on my own a lot, which was actually really nice.
I was only in Venice one day, but I swear it is the most beautiful city I have ever seen-I want to go back-there's just a romantic beautiful ambiance surrounding the canals & tiny side streets. I bought a lot this trip: leather racing jacket (black with red & tan racing stripes down the front & sleeves), leather purse, some gifts, a mask, a ring, posters, etc. I'm going to have one well decorated APT-YES, I said APARTMENT -John & I are getting a place! We're going to start looking when I get back to Boston in...um...16 days!!! With taste like John's & class like mine, our apartment is going to be HOT-I cannot wait. I smell a FAB-u-lous housewarming party comin' on...& mb even a New Years soiree, you neva know.
I can't believe my time here is almost through, I've definatly taken another step in my transformation to the woman I will become, mentally at least. Physically, dont expect a big change when you see me. My hair's longer, I've got a new nose ring, & thats about it besides some new european clothes & jewlery. I may have a new piercing when I return but I'm waiting to get my tattoo till I get back to the US.
I traveled back from Venice by myself and couldnt get a sleeping car for the overnight train, so I was in a seat-car with 3 very very nice men in their 30's-40's approx. One was German but living in the states, another was born in the UK but Italian & living in Italy, & the last was half Italian & half Pakistan. The latter of the 3 & I discussed politics in Jenin for a while. He actually lives just outside of Jenin & he left for buisness the day before they closed the border. His wife & children are still there- it was just a very educational train ride.
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 7:12 AM