Thursday, December 05, 2002 :::
I check my horoscope every day. Compare mine with every sign under the sun.
Take quizzes online, in magazines: Am I a Good Lover? Is it love or lust? Then I quiz myself to double check. Am I sure I’m me? And none of um help. None of them tell me anything. And If they do it never comes true. What am I looking for? What am I hoping to find? A secret winning lottery ticket? Or advice? Or for it to tell me I’m going to meet a fabulous man? Give me names & dates and exacts? I’m looking for exacts. I’m looking for something to count. But it doesn’t exist. At least not where I’m looking & maybe I’m looking in the wrong places but I don’t know where else to look. & some say u shouldn’t look for the things I’m looking to find- that they find you, well fuck that. I’m not some prehistoric princess who can just wait in my tower contently. I go out & I look & I find what I want and I go after it, sometimes too strongly but at least I can say I’ve tried
So what am I looking for? Maybe some religion I never had in my childhood to give me some guidance or meaningful order to my life. I don’t mean to come off pretentious but whatever. And why cant I just be happy for someone I should be happy for?
It’s that thing where u see a couple holding hands and some part of you hates them
Not just like “ew god they’re making out in public” sort of hates them but a burning hate because they have something you don’t. Some people find that in god or in themselves or in their work or its just there. I just don’t want to be the type of adult who grows up and only has her work & never has the family I dreamt of when I was young and idealistic because I AM young and idealistic, so there I am and I screw myself over because of it.
There’s just something missing and I’m not sure where I left it or if I ever had it at all.
Maybe I left my heart in San Francisco or somewhere relative to that, hell maybe I left it in FL and forgot to pack it in the move, I don’t know. But there’s something in my head tonight. Something that’s just off in the ways of the world. And I was really happy earlier this day. Happy about something. I’m always happy about something I get myself all worked up over something- some idea or ideal future I implant in my skull and all those something’s end up nothings. And I ruin things that way. Or I get uninterested and just drift away. I need change constantly. I keep piercing myself tattooing myself cutting my hair an inch shorter every few weeks because I just need something different.
And here I am this lucky kid- the one that’s looked up to by all my family & friends and friend’s family and family friends. The one who’s going to be successful the one who’s home people will come vacation at when I’m rich and famous. I got out, I’m living away from where I grew up, with a future- I mean a REAL future ahead of me, people who love me, a family who pays my rent & schooling. And me, what am I doing? Sitting here idly contemplating my life and my fucked up emotions. How is that fair? I just watched Ferris Beuller- that’s a lucky guy, he throws a ball & it lands just where its supposed to just in the nick of time but he’s fictional he’s not a real guy. But what is real? Because I cant tell anymore. There are people I want to say will be in my life forever but I’ve said that before and been wrong so what makes this different? People change and grow and sometimes that’s apart which is ok and blah blah everything they tell u in hallmark cards and in the movies and love songs about perfect relationships and strong women moving on and loving again and not missing people who treated them poorly but I’m not like that. I think about people in my past all the time and I think we all do, I think we have to. I think it makes us human. I think about kindergarten for Christ’s sake: the crush I had on Rusty, and the girl who was my best friend, Amanda, whose last name I don’t even know, and the little black boy named George who let me play with his ears because I thought they were funny and Stacy who played with my hair & it kinda pulled and hurt but I liked it anyway. I just wish I could go to sleep which I’ve had trouble with the past few nights- I’ve been going to bed at midnight & just laying there till 3am. Last night I tried taking some Benedryl to knock me out, didn’t work. I feel a storm brewing- something’s coming- I feel like something bad is coming and I don’t know why- bad news of some sort from somewhere and it scares me because it’s a really strong feeling and I hope I’m wrong, because I’ve never had this specific feeling before. I’m lacking inspiration I’m lacking motivation and I know that the second I finally fall asleep my roommates are going to come home and be drunk and loud. I just want to get drunk on Friday and forget about things for a while. “I need something strong to distract my mind.” Maybe I should try to go to bed, but even my dreams have been fucking with me lately. And I know people are going to read this & ask me questions to which ill just say “I’m fine” because I am, I cant think of any other word to describe my current status of being. I’m fine. I’m just fine. And that’s it.
::: posted by Jen at 12:13 AM
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