Wednesday, September 18, 2002 :::
I'm in a lot of pain right now. I just need to have a good cry & get it out. I really don't like the person I've become in a certain aspect of my life & I've tried to take steps to right the situation but I can only do half of it- I can't do it all on my own. And I suppose this is just what usually happens, I trust someone & I get hurt. Only this is different somehow. Different in a way that has completly shattered all emotion within me and a lot of my self worth. But I refuse to allow a hell-bent heart to leave me broken. I am so much stronger then that and I've got amazing friends who love me and support me. So what if one person doesnt. You can't please everyone all of the time I guess. A version of the amazing play "Miss Julie" was on TV (one of the 3 channels we get). I studied that f*cked up play last semester & all of a sudden I found myself relating in a way I never thought - "Doesn't a man owe something to the woman he's disgraced?" Who is to blame when a man takes advantage of a woman who wants to be taken advantage of but because of a weakness the woman has developed for the man at his own design? I cant remember who wrote it. Damn.
BUT- Miles, Scott & I had a production meeting today & I'm really excited about this film- so far the crew is great everythings slowly falling into place & I'm really proud to be a part of this. It's the 1st project I've worked on in a long time and it just feels good to be useful because I've felt really useless recently. And I hate to be all down but I am- I just broke the fuck down.
But I'm going back to my casting office on Friday thank the lord. I missed that place.
Wooooooo- time time time time time.
& my roomate is playing the Counting Crows- "3,500 miles away but what would you change if you could."
I'm coming to realize a lot about myself & other people I thought were something theyre not. I thought I could go along with things I cant. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I dont want to have regrets but its really hard tonight. And now I'm just typing to clear my head- dont mind me. I'm fine & if I'm not I will be. I know that much.
Anger. Dissapointment. - all in myself and thats the worst. To be rediculous & quote myself "There is no one to blame for the aching. No warrent to issue. For the fire is in me."
St. Anthony's searching for my mind tonight. He usually pulls through.
::: posted by Jen at 10:43 PM
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