Sunday, July 21, 2002 :::
It's been one of those weekends where I sleep way too late. Because I don't want my dreams to end. In my dreams everything always works out, and no matter how odd or bad a scenario is, I know deep down it will work out, because it is, in fact, a dream. But, then I reluctantly- (and I say reluctantly because for some reason I always start dreaming about sex right before I wake up & I'm all like NOOOO NOOOO DONT WANT TO WAKE UP NOOOO LET ME SLEEP DAMN BODY CLOCK!)-wake up somewhere between the hours of 1:30 & 3:30 in the afternoon and realize that on Monday, I won't be able to sleep so late and neglect the day. It's 3:37 as I write this and I'm not sure where my head has been lately. Things are kinda hard right now, even though I dont think theyre supposed to be. There aren't many classes or internship days left before I go home, but it seems like the weeks wont end. And I should start packing my shit.I just want to be in LA, and I know once I'm there Miles is going to have to drive away with me kicking and screaming. I love that fucking town. I love that whole fuckin state! Jenny asked me if I ever got lonely. And I do. But I dont get lonely in the traditional sense that I miss people or I miss being around my friends (although I do miss a select few)- I'm lonely for my future and all of its uncertanties. I live my life in 5year plans and right now I'm lonely for one in the distance. I'm lonely for my husband and my children of which I have neither right now. And I know that sounds wierd, but its just true.And dont think that I'm dissatisfied with my present, because I'm not. I just know that theres so much boundless infinate MORE out there for me to see and accomplish and it makes me antsy sometimes. I'm about 5 years away from the age my mom was when she had my brother. Not that I'm saying I want to get married & pop out babies NOW or anything (I'm still too selfish)- I dont know, I guess I'm just missing stability. And a family with 2.5 kids sounds stable to me right now.All my roomate does is talk about how we're at the age where we technically however many years ago should be doing all these mom/wife things and I can't help but wonder if I've met the man I'm going to marry yet or not. There's this kid in my class getting married in the end of Aug. and I cant help but be jealous of his fiancee even though I dont even know her name. He talks about her sometimes (maybe because all of the kids in the class are shocked and ask him stupid questions all the time)- but they were separated when he went to the LA program then they lived a few hours away from eachother for the 1st year or so of their relationship blah blah and I fucking hate them. No, not really, I'm happy for them, good for them. And I'm not saying that I want to be married right NOW, but again, stability.Some tiny sign of something. Instability makes me insecure. Yeah, thats it. I just figured that out. So do I try to find stability?- Or try to become more secure? I dont know, but I am rambling. I am so great: g-r-e-t. I am so smart: s-m-r-t. Dont worry about me worrying about the future. I got that.I dont worry, I contemplate. It's just one little thing, ok, one big thing on my mind. But just one. ;o) One thing I do know, whatver comes my way, it will be amazing. Because my life is amazing.
Love to you all
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 4:03 PM
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