Monday, December 19, 2005 :::
My mind is soaked in words
I've come to terms with all my insecurities
And purity's no friend of mine
::: posted by Jen at 3:19 AM
Well, it's holiday time again. Friday I am leaving for Chicago to spend x-mas with my mom, go on a shopping spree @ H&M, & say goodbye to my dying dog. (This is going to be Caramel's last Christmas as he as stage 5 intestinal cancer- the poor sweet puppy).
But, THEN, I am off to FLORIDA!!!!!!- I'm going HOME for the first time in four years & I get to see Wade & Michael & Newman & Janine & the whole Roedel clan & Jenny...and I get to eat at all of my favorite restaurants & go to shitty place, & the special spot on the island & the water at night...& I could not be happier. (Dec. 26-30 I'll be in FL- hit me up!)
After FL, it's back to LA for New Years where I will start 2006. 2006 is looking to be the opposite of 2005. 2005 was all about gluttony. Drinking too much, going out too much, doing things that are unheathy emotionally & physically too much. I'm going to start this year off right, most likely doing one thing on my resolution list- spending time with an old friend I don't see half as much as I would like to...then it's back to ballet twice a week for me! Get this ass of mine in gear...& by gear I mean shape...need to finish that painting I started ooooooh 2 months ago...buy a new computer & an Ipod. Just do things for me- positive things. Enrich my life.
Now, I felt no need to have an Ipod before the last time I flew. Thanksgiving I felt like I was walking around with a record player around my neck. When did cdplayers become obsolete? When did everyone between the ages of 5 & 50 get an Ipod? I used to be all up in technologies shit...now I've lost my techno pimp status. Damn.
Ok, well it's midnight here in LA, tomorrow is my 2nd to last day of work before break officially begins. If I don't post again until the new year, merry christamas, happy hanukkah, merry kwanza, & happy new year to all.
Much love,
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 3:08 AM
Thursday, December 01, 2005 :::
"I can't lock my door.
No, I don't have no privacy.
The only thing that's mine
is what's inside of me.
And when I hear that voice
moaning inside,
it says You've got to be tough, You've got to take it in stride.
But sometimes I am foolish
I let it get the best of me.
At least I know that my mistakes are my responsibility.
And I just have to laugh to keep from crying."
~a very old Madonna song
::: posted by Jen at 12:30 AM
Sunday, November 27, 2005 :::
I have this feeling, and it's one I've had once before this year already. I meet someone, it seems like there could really be a connection- friendship or more- and I just can't help but think, "wow, if I never see that person again, it will really be a shame." Just the thought of what could be if the universe, hell, if people in general weren't so damn scared and or selfish all the time. What a waste of a spark. It's just that you don't connect with people that often, & to have it be ignored as if its nothing special, well that's just sad.
The 1st time I had this feeling, it didn't work out as I might have hoped. Perhaps this time will be different, or maybe it will just be another one of those missed connections. Missed opportunties. Nice memories.
Time will tell, & at least I feel a poem coming out of all of this.
::: posted by Jen at 7:45 PM
Monday, October 31, 2005 :::
I had a dream the other night that I didn't like the person I'd become.
I'm in a very selfish phase in my life. I want what I want, when I want it. I'm sick of feeling judged by people who don't know me anymore and sick of judging myself based off of others feelings towards or about me, or lack there of.
I'm listening to what I want now. Not what other people expect of me. If there is any choice to be made, I choose me. First & foremost. Me. My career, my goals, my desires, my happiness. And with that come my mistakes and bad judgement and crazy reactions and emotional bullshit but they're MINE.
So I'm going to work 10-12 hours a day and come home & paint & write. I'm going to sleep til 2 on the weekends and stay in on the occasional night without feeling like I'm missing something better. I resolve to be good to myself, body mind & soul. Stay close to the evil I know rather then the evil I don't. Cut negativity from my life & strive to be the best person I can be.
Be nicer to everyone- especially myself. Walk more, eat less.
People will have to deal with my life and my scheduale for once.
I'm going to do what feels good to me. Work hard, play hard, rest hard. Start doing things that I want to do even if that means doing them alone. Especially if that means doing them alone. Things I've never done alone before, like going to the movies .
I'm going to teach myself how to shut up & listen to things people say & the things they say without saying. And give 110% at work without going crazy. I am going to let go of people who make me feel less then good about myself, not good enough, doubtful or without. I'm taking a step back from friendships and relationships. If you want me, you know where to find me. And if you don't know what you want from me, let me know when you figure it out, I just can't promise I'll be here waiting. Someone once said that those who care will make the effort. Well, I'm done. Done making the effort done caring too much. The line between my friends and enemies has become as blurred as the line between a platonic male friend and one that can't sleep next to me without keeping his hands off of me. So, it's time to step back & see who steps up. Because I already have. I'm done allowing other people to weaken my self worth. I am better then that. Life is too good for that.
::: posted by Jen at 11:08 PM
Wednesday, September 14, 2005 :::
Hey all, I know it's been a while. Since coming off hiatus things have been CRAZY! I'm literally working on 20 movies right now, reading 4 scripts a day ,etc, and we've got some big names attached to some amazing scripts, so I'll keep ya'll posted as things progress. If you get The Hollywood Reporter a movie my office is casting was on the cover today! Wahoo, look at me, I'm a fancy-pants LA freak!
Other then work (All work & no play makes Jen a dull girl), I'm in the midst of planning my birthday festivities, so keep Oct. 1st open on your calander & email me so I'm sure to have your email addy JenniferLurey@sbcglobal.net It's sure to be a fun night of boozing & dancing it up the way only I can, which means shakin' asses south Florida style with a touch of funk and a dash of class grinded together with some good voldka or mexican beer.
This has been an off week for me coming off of an even wierder weekend, it almost feels as thought the moon is in some wierd placement, nightmares, the black out & an overall odd vibe have been looming over me so I'm looking forward to this week ending. I need to do more writing, I'm thinking of something about addiction. It would be fitting as I'm in the process of quitting smoking and planning my next tattoo. One week & counting- no ciggs!- & I only sometimes want to punch someone in the face or eat a vat of fudge.
Also, please vote for JD on RockStar INXS. He's amazing. But then again, mb if he doesn't win it would be easier to bring him into my office for something...a movie ... seducing... whichever
.....hrmmm.
Anywhoo I'm winding down, bed time for me.
Love to you all
~J
::: posted by Jen at 12:00 AM
Wednesday, July 13, 2005 :::
This is a new poem- & it's my fave thing that I've written lately. It gets back to me.
Usually I hate when people pre-emt a poem by describing what it's about, but I'm gonna just give a little insight anyway.
It's about getting to what's underneath. Underneath life, underneath people, underneath me.
Earmuffs
I am happy to be back living where it doesn't snow.
A child of the sun,
I was never accustomed to the ways of winter,
the layers, the darkness,
the wind whispering its icy chill over me
like I just fell in love.
Shivering and wet.
No, I much prefer a city that hides its cold,
frigid nature in the shaddows of lamposts lining the beach at night.
The cold doesn't seem so bad if you can't see it.
Cold is not just a temperature,
it embodies the senses,
takes over until it is yelling at you to turn back
and warm yourself by a fire.
It is a feeling of emptyness & heartbreak,
whispering broken promises through white lies.
And I don't want to hear it.
So, I wear my earmuffs in LA
to block the sound of the hollywood elite.
Nights out wondering where the gentlemen have gone,
and all the faces look so sad
in the dim light of a bar
even though I hear laughter.
And when I powder my nose in the bathroom I realize I look happy
even though I feel so sad.
Rejections piling high behind my eyes
along with missed opportunities,
cold and wet and while you may think I'm crying,
it's only snow.
So, I wear my earmuffs in LA
to block the sound of the word "No."
Just two small letters that make up
one big word that I can't seem to tell myself,
let alone understand from anyone else.
No don't do it
the fire isn't worth the burn.
No don't do it
the feeling isn't worth the heartbreak
Heartbreak
Heart Break
Like the break between the heart and the head
whenever the heart gets involved in anything,
suddenly believing the match it holds
can melt an ice statue
of a man.
Just two small letters make up one big word.
Like the one big word that hangs over this city
alongside the statues of Jesus and the cross.
And although I'm not religious
seeing them always gives me a sense of peace.
Like I'm moving through life walking alone through a blizzard.
Knowing someone else is there but not being able to recognize their shape,
cloaked in white so bright you'd swear it's noon,
powder choking your senses.
Sometiems the only way to get through winter
is to know the spring is there underneath.
And while the wind may beat you,
you keep going back out,
searching for that one thin blade of green grass or pink sprouting bud.
Using your heart as a radar for life,
and the heart can get through anything
enduring endless games of bait & tackle.
You just keep going out,
searching for that one thin blade of green grass or pink sprouting bud.
Frost-bitten, heart-broken, but hoping.
Hell, I do it just to prove myself wrong.
Because sometimes I want to be cold.
I want to loose my senses in these sentances
and run naked through the elements
just to enjoy the seconds before I freeze.
So, I wear my earmuffs in LA
cause I'm tired of being an optimist.
Sometimes I'd rather just not know.
::: posted by Jen at 12:20 AM
Tuesday, July 12, 2005 :::
Well my month long hiatus has come to an end! I have a new fabulous job, & not a moment too soon. Sitting in my apt, staying up until all hours of the morning & sleeping til mid-afternoon was starting to wear on my brain abit causing me to focus on completly unimportant crap, like boys.
And we all know how useless that is.
Anywhoo- my new job is at Pemrick/Fronk Casting in the penthouse of this amazing office building. On my floor are also various production offices, Tom Grens production office, etc, along with a management company, & the man who does merchandizing for NSync & the Backstreet Boys, & owns Tupac's estate as well ahs having something to do do with the whole Michael Jackson/Beatles scandal going on...
We cast mainly movies randing in budget from 1.5mil to 32mil, everyone is great & it's wonderful to have co-workers again.
I am rediculously happy & back focusing on whats important- my career.
At this stage of the game, I don't have time for a man in my life. I only have time for a man in my bed, or my compter.
But I did write an amazing poem lat night- not like the bullshit I've been spewing out lately- something really me. I'm at work right now but when I get home I'll be sure to type it up for all to enjoy.
Much Love,
~J
::: posted by Jen at 2:00 PM
Wednesday, June 29, 2005 :::
Ode to a man & Def Poetry Jam
I wrote what I think is some sort of a hiaku once and it was called Carbonation:
I'm bottled up
Shake me, I'll explode over you.
Sip me, I'll be the drip hanging from your lip
As you kiss her.
And never has it been more true.
I want to kiss you raw & passionatly
so deep that when our lips part
there is still a thin line of saliva holding us together.
I want to kiss you, impatiently
When we meet I try to focus on your eyes but occasionally mine wander to your hands
And even with the dirt under your nails, imagine them holding me
As we kiss the type of kiss how it must have been when they first invented it.
Strange & sloppy,
I can still taste you on me days later and feel the pressure of your lips on mine
and the motion of your tongue
like the motion sickness after a roller coaster
or the waves after a day at the beach.
I can taste you on me and we haven't even kissed yet.
So vividly I've imagined
our noses grazing
the feel of your breath exhaling into me
as your hands slide up my back and hold me tight
so that my soul does not escape my body.
Although I fear I may have lost my mind.
I want to kiss you insaine
To the point of S & M suffocation
Where if coming up for air would save my life
I'm not sure that I'd want to live.
I want to kiss you submissive
Even bonded & subdued
My kiss would explode in your mouth like a cherry.
Tongues twisted so much they start to make sense
Your eyes so blurred they look like mine
Fingers through your hair.
I want to kiss you with the weight of your body
On top of me
And feel your temperature rise through your clothes.
Your back hot under my hands.
I want to kiss you
Lip licking, dry tongued
Sudden & suprising
Sticky & sweet
Easy & graceful
Gradual & mysterious
As if I haven't seen you in years and cannot get enough
Drawing you into my heart through my mouth.
I want to kiss you the way old poems describe it.
Full of unrequitted love and Old English.
Drowning in your Trojan sea
I want to be your Helen.
Our kiss would be mythical.
Even Aphroditie would blush
And cover Cupid's eyes with her hands
Upon seeing us.
I want to kiss you deadly
Like a black widdow or praying mantis
With a post coital blood shed to rival the shedding of my heart
When I think about how I want to kiss you.
::: posted by Jen at 3:45 PM
Friday, June 24, 2005 :::
After seeing Batman Begins, I have realized my life's calling...
-Staying up til 3am: CHECK
-Being a socialite play-girl: CHECK
-Not giving bad guys the Memo: CHECK
Yup, it's official. I'm a super hero.
Don't fuck with me, I know Tai Kwan Do.
Super Jen & Batman:
We can right the world together, blow by blow.
And I have a new love: Cillian Murphy....oh Scarecrow....sigh...
::: posted by Jen at 2:33 AM
Check this out:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050623/sc_nm/security_japan_robot_dc
I swear, did Will Smith teach us nothing in I Robot?!
Also, note: I am a super hero.
That is all.
But I do hope my love, Christian Bale, gets that distracting wart removed from his eye before the sequal...& that they bring on Christina Ricci & Paul Bettany as speculated...
If anyone would like to see Batman Begins, I will glagly go a 2nd time....or possibly several times.
~J
::: posted by Jen at 1:37 AM
Monday, June 20, 2005 :::
I've been thinking about how interesting life is and the waves in which people pass out of & occasionally back into your life. Recently I've gotten much closer to my Waddells, & while we were always in contact, there were a few years there where we weren't as close just simply because of college and other obligations...& then there are the other randy-mc-random 5 or so people I hadn't talked to in YEARS that have recently started talking to again. Most importantly, my old friend Janine.
The thing is, my older brother always told me that after graduation I would loose contact with one more friend each year or so...but as time goes by, I seem to get back in contact with old friends...perhaps its technology us wipper snappers use these days that keep us connected to people we would have no idea how to find otherwise, but whatever it is, I'm thankfull for it.
While I'd like to think I've changed a lot since high school (I KNOW I have in some ways,) I find myself while talking to old friends thinking about how much they haven't changed. And about how no matter what, we are really deep down the same people we were back at SOA. (Which makes me question my trust of people who have wronged me in the past, but que cerra cerra- or however you spell that). It just makes me think about the people in my life now and the different roles we will all play over the coming years.
On another note: this hiatus thing is giving me waaay too much time to think.
I did, however, go out & get my dress for my brothers wedding which is at the end of July in Buffalo, NY. I'm in love with this dress. I'm seriously contemplating taking a que from Pee Wee Herman & marrying it.
The summer TV season is desperatly depressing with no new OC or Grey's Anatomy in sight for months.
Quote of the Week:
I figure, why be in one possibly dis-satisfying relationship when I can be in several dis-satisfying relationships at once!
Word of the Week:
Cooch
I'm going to start something new here called: Wadella's Quote of the Week: (In reference to my random lyric quoting skills)
God, if I were straight I would fly to LA, fuck you, & marry you.
I think that's about it for now.
~J (or ~N, depending on who you are...)
::: posted by Jen at 3:30 AM
Sunday, June 19, 2005 :::
| Your Ultimate Purity Test 2.0 Score Is... | | Your Score: | Average For All Users | Average For All Straight Liberal Single Pink-Skinned 19 to 25-Year old Females
(139 total) | | | Dating | 0% | 33.23% | 31.57% | Gone steady | | Self-Lovin' | 34.85% | 60.93% | 66.59% | When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself | | Shamelessness | 61.29% | 78.03% | 77.36% | It takes a couple of drinks | | Sex Drive | 54.76% | 75.61% | 76.98% | A fool for love, but not always | | Straightness | 12.96% | 38.45% | 36.26% | Knows the other body type like a map | | Gayness | 87.04% | 78.4% | 89% | Repressed, are we? | | Dominant | 83.33% | 86.94% | 91.43% | Afraid to cross at "Don't Walk" signs | | Submissive | 82.54% | 87.31% | 89.35% | Submits to no one... almost | | Fucking Sick | 83.67% | 89.92% | 91.05% | Refreshingly normal | | Total Score | 61.41% | 73.84% | 76.32% | | Take The Ultimate Purity Test 2.0
and see how you match up!
(By The Ferrett) |
::: posted by Jen at 3:03 PM
Friday, June 17, 2005 :::
Life is pretty great. This hiatus thing has given me too much time to think about stupid things, but the season is picking up, & I had 2 interviews last week, so I should be back to work on something awesome in no time.
Tonight me & my girls (Team Vag...Vagina! Fuck Yea!) are going to the Hustler store in H'wood!!! I cannot wait, I'm so excited for this....
So last weekend was my weekend of random dates...3 dates in 4 days, all of them nuts, borring, or just plain wierd.....You were in a porn last week? Awesome....
I've decided that every straight single man in LA is nuts...or an actor. So I'm taking a break. No dating for Jen.
Anywhoo in case you're not on myspace heres a fun little survay:
1. Are you an innie or an outie: Innie, although I often wish I was a Sneech with a star on thar'
2. Have you ever worn bell-bottoms: Yes, they were cool for 2 seconds in the 90's.
3. Have you ever written a song: Yes I am a renaissance woman.
4. Can you make change for a dollar right now?: Yup, do you want quarters or dimes & nickles?
5. Have you ever been in the opposite sex's public toilet: Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
6. Have you ever smelled your own feet: By accident, when I was bending like a pretzel while...nevermind...
7.a. Do you like catsup on or beside your fries: Beside
7.b. Do you like sauce on or beside your chips: Beside, sometimes it's too spicy! Gotta regulate that shiot!
8. Can you touch your tongue to your nose: Not without cheating...but I can tie a cherry stem in a knot, that's gotta count for something!
9. Have you ever been a boy/girl scout: Negative.
10. Have you ever broken a mirror: I'm sure I've stepped on one at some time or another.
11. Have you ever put your tongue on a frozen pole: Is it wrong that that scene in A Christmas Story only made me want to try it? Thankfully, I am not that stupid.
12. What is your biggest pet peeve: Stupid people. In general.
13. Do you slurp your drink after it's gone:Of course, it's good to the last drop! Plus it annoys my friends, which in & of itself is reason enough for me!
14. Have you ever blown bubbles in your milk:What beverage haven't I blown bubbles in?
15. Would you rather eat a Big Mac or a Whopper: Whopper
16. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping: Twice. Damn Parker & his strong drinks..get a little achohal in me & skin starts getting shown.
17. When you are at the grocery store, do you ask for paper or plastic: Plastic. Double bagged.
18. You would rather eat steak than pizza: Steak, a big hunk of steak. I'm a carnivore! Yum!
19. Did you have a baby blanket'; return true;" style="BORDER-BOTTOM: 3px double; TEXT-DECORATION: none" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;" href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=24&k=baby%20blanket">baby blanket: Yeah it's somewhere at my mom's house.
20. Have you ever tried to cut your own hair: Yes, several times, & I'm pretty damn good.
21. Have you ever sleepwalked: Not last I checked, but that would explain some mysterious bruises...
22. Have you ever had a birthday party'; return true;" style="BORDER-BOTTOM: 3px double; TEXT-DECORATION: none" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;" href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=24&k=birthday%20party">birthday party at McDonalds: No, but I went to a few when I was little.
23. Can you flip your eye-lids up: Ew gross!
24. Are you double jointed: I am! In my elbows & my knees. And my hips pop out of socket. I'm like Gumby & it makes for a fun party trick!
25. If you could be any age, what age would you be: 19 was an amazing year
26. Have you ever gotten gum stuck in your hair: Not yet...
27. Have you ever thrown-up after a roller coaster'; return true;" style="BORDER-BOTTOM: 3px double; TEXT-DECORATION: none" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;" href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=24&k=roller%20coaster">roller coaster ride:Yup, I'm a puker.
28. What is your dream car: BMW 7-something series & the new Mercedes are hot.
29. What is your favorite cartoon of all time: Too many to list them all! Garfield & Friends, The Real Ghostbusters, & Jem! (Because she's truely outrageous)- just to name a few.
30. Would you go swimming in shallow waters where, one year earlier, a shark had attacked a child: Yeah I'm all set, but you have fun.
32. Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit: Can't say I was ever that hungry.
33. If you were in a car sinking in a lake, what would you do first: Take out my handy-dandy window shattering device that I keep in the glove compartment. What can I say, I have a Jewish mother that gives me these things...
34. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance: Thankfully, no.
35. Can you pick something up with your toes: Of course.
36. How many remote controls'; return true;" style="BORDER-BOTTOM: 3px double; TEXT-DECORATION: none" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;" href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=24&k=remote%20controls">remote controls do you have in your house: 2
37. Have you ever fallen asleep in school: Yeah but just because I was so tired from my night job as a stripper...I mean from constantly doing too much.
38. How many times have you flown in an airplane in the last year: 8
39. How many foreign countries have you visited: 12...and counting!
40. If you were out of shape, would you compete in a triathlon if you were somehow guaranteed to win a big, gaudy medal: I can go to the dollar store to get a big, gaudy medal. I prefer a good sit, thank you.
41. Would you rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy: " Tried Poor but Happy, Guess What, Wasn't Happy."
42. If you fell into quicksand, would you try to swim or try to float: I would count on Wesley to save me, then fight off some R.O.U.S.'s. Rodent's Of Unusual Size? I don't believe they exist...
44. Do you ask for directions when you are lost: No, I just call my friends pissed off & freaking out.
45. Have you ever had a Mexican jumping bean: Mmmm, beans... Mexican & suna anyone?!?! (Inside joke, I apologize)
46. Are you more like Cinderella or Alice in Wonderland: Sleeping Beauty. Ok, Ok, Cinderella I guess.
47. Would you rather have an ant farm'; return true;" style="BORDER-BOTTOM: 3px double; TEXT-DECORATION: none" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;" href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=24&k=ant%20farm">ant farm with no ants or a box of crayons with broken points: Crayons cause I could melt them & make a candle with the wax!
48. Do you prefer light or dark bread: Light
49. Do you prefer scrambled or fried eggs: Fried, over easy. Just like your mom.
50. Have you ever been in a car that ran out of gas: That would suck, no.
51. Do you talk in your sleep: Super randomly & uber rarely.
52. Would you rather shovel snow or mow the lawn: Neither, but I would rather watch someone mow the lawn...preferably a shirtless, sweaty lawn boy.
53. Would you rather be bitten by a poisonous snake or constricted by a python: Bitten, they have anti-venom shots. There are no anti-bone-crushing shots.
54. Have you ever played in the rain: Yes, but don't tell my mom. She'll think I have pnemonia.
55. Which of these do you think is more dangerous: an angry bear or a hungry white shark: Yogi Bear or Jaws...you make the call.
56. Would you climb a very high tree to save a kitten:I'm a dog person. And aren't cats supposed to always land on their feet? If not, 8 lives left kitty! Jump! Jump!
57. Can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator: Of course, it's all in the snout...I'm from FL.
58. Do you drink pepsi or coke: Diet coke. Through an IV as soon as it's available.
59. What's your favourite number: 8
60. If you were a car, would you be an SUV or a sports car: Sports car.
61. Have you ever accidentally taken something from a hotel: If by accidentally you mean deliberatly, then yes!
62. Would you blow your nose at the dinner table: They have bathrooms for that.
63. Have you ever slipped in the bathtub: Lost balance yes, totally wiped out, no.
64. Do you use regular or deodorant soap: Regular Pear Caress Body
65. Have you ever locked yourself out of the house: Lots. Especially in college. My R.A. loved me...
66. Would you rather make your living as a singing cowboy or as one of the Simpsons voices: Simpsons!!
67. If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be: Madonna. Yes she counts as a movie star. Shut up, she's got a Golden Globe.
68. Have you ever gotten a truck driver to honk his horn: I'm a chick, of course.
69. Which would you rather live with: a huge nose or crossed eyes: I have a huge nose, so I'm slightly offended by this question.
70. Would you hang out with someone your best friend didn't like: Sure.
71. Would you hang out with someone your best friend liked, but you didn't like: I'd suck it up & give the person the benefit of the doubt for my friend.
72. Have you ever returned a gift: Yes but it was from some relative I didn't know or something.
73. Would you give someone else a gift that had been given to you: No, but my mom used to get all these random bath-good gift baskets'; return true;" style="BORDER-BOTTOM: 3px double; TEXT-DECORATION: none" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;" href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=24&k=gift%20baskets">gift baskets from her students that I'd use for secret santas in school...hey, single mom, saved money.
74. If you could attend an Olympic Event, what would it be: Men's Gymnastics. Nuff said.
75. How many pairs of shoes do you own: 50? I lost track.
76. If your grandmother gave you a gift that you already have, would you tell her: Nope. Anything my nana gives me is special just because it's from her.
77. Do you sing in the car: Yes, I want to be on that VH1 show...I'm amazing. I also sing everywhere else.
78. Would you rather jump into a dumpster or into a vat of honey: Honey. I'd taste great & be ready for a wax!
79. What is your favourite breed of dog: Ohh thats tough, Cocker Spaniel, King Charles Spaniel, & Weimaraner.
80. Would you donate money to feed starving animals in the winter: It's winter, aren't they supposed to be hibernating or something? But I am weak for anything cute, so yes.
81. If you were a bicycle, would you be a stingray or a mountain bike'; return true;" style="BORDER-BOTTOM: 3px double; TEXT-DECORATION: none" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;" href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=24&k=mountain%20bike">mountain bike: Stingray. Why not?
82. What is your least favourite fruit: Plum
83. What kind of fruit have you never had: Schnozberry.
84. If you won a $5,000 shopping spree to any store, which store would you pick:H&M...oh how I miss you (sigh)
85. What brand sports apparel do you wear the most: Puma, they make the best kicks. 86. Are/were you a good student: Can we say "over-achiever?"
87. Among your friends, who could you arm wrestle and beat: Megs the Megalicious Megatron- because I already did! Who's laughing now biotch!! Wanna arm wrestle??
88. If you had to choose, what branch of the military would you be in: Go Navy!
89. Would you ever parachute out of a plane: Definatly.
90. What do you think is your best feature: My eyes...not going for the obvious here people, give me some credit.
91. If you were to win a grammy, what kind of music would it be for: Jazz
92. What is your favourite season: Fall because that means its time for my birthday!
93. How many members do you have in your immediate family: 4
94. Which of the five senses is most important to you: Sight, I'm clumsy enough as it is.
95. Would you be a more successful painter or singer: Singer
97. How many years will/did you end up going to college: 4. I miss college sometimes...
98. Have you ever had surgery: Lots.
99. Would you rather be a professional figure skater or professional football player: Figure skater! They make it look so easy!
100. What do you like to collect: Dolls, shoes, clothes, antique jewlery, Madonna stuff, & the souls of stupid boys.
::: posted by Jen at 3:50 PM
Saturday, June 11, 2005 :::
"Close to a coffin of hope,
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you.
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up on love.
All my resistance will never be distance enough...
...But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles.
Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just [write] about it."
-Anna Nalick
It's really amazing how other people opinions & stories can effect your overall emotions.
If someone tells you to stay away from one person & someone else tells you to go for another person, it can really fuck with you. Especially if you really want to believe the 1st one is a nice guy & you're trying really hard to just be friends with the 2nd...if that makes any sense.
My heart is a mess.
But on the up side, I did write my 1st really great love poem...and my 1st really great rhyming poem. At least I think it's great. Some things were left out, some things exaggerated for the sake of the poem...
Only a Kilometer Down
I keep telling myself I'm not gonna fall
but there I am at the bottom of it all
Looking up and laughing at the distance between us.
Rock crumbling over my head
Flying past my eyes like the rings of a tree trunk instead
It all seems so odd from the surface
Not sure how it came to be that you're standing there looking down onto me
As I stand cutting onions for tears cause I ran dry years ago.
We're quite a like after the layers peel,
Searching out danger just for the feel
Of getting through it to see another sunset
Something in your eyes makes it ok
Makes me feel I can hide my emotions away
And go on just enjoying your company.
But when we say goodbye and I'm driving home in the dark
I can't help but think of how your eyes spark
And they light a bright fire in of the depths of me.
And when I get home and I climb into bed
I imagine I am still with you instead
Just to laugh and to talk nothing more then just that
Living each night like the life of a cat
But I know that it's simply just not meant to be.
I keep telling myself I can do this again
and I'm trying my best not to pretend
Cause I made that mistake once before
and it shattered a friendship right to the core
I'm trying I'm trying I'm shouting outloud
and I wish that I wasn't so loud or so proud
So you'd know that it's true that I'm trying to be real and a good friend to you,
Which I want to.
But it's hard to ignore that you mean something more
When you walk in the room and my hearts to the floor
Even though when I'm with you these feelings don't seem that important.
I know they are there so I try not to care
and pretend it will just go away.
Hiding my heart and tryin not start
Though I know it's already begun.
What's wrong with me that I can't let it be
and let a good friend just be that
Emotions get in the way more & more everyday
though my life doesn't seem to slow down.
I just stay in one place longing for a quick pace
to the time when feelings return
like a slick boomarang or a sharp shootin arrow
And your life without me's like a room with no table
But for now I just have to get by.
Trying to not refuse the thought of another
but anyone else , my heart goes under cover
while with you, it hangs on my sleeve
Beating as true as my respect for you
Full of admiration and hope
The blood coursing though my veins
seems to bypass my brain
cause I don't think that you feel the same
I just hope that you really can see me for me
Behind my girly emotional crap
Sometimes being a woman means feelings often jump the map.
Somehow missing the state of safe terrotiry
That some higher power has planned out for me to be loved in.
But I'd need one huge compass to show me the way
up and out of the ditch that I fell in today
When I saw you nothing was quite enough
to make me able to hide me from myself
I've got no resistance strong enough
Maybe thats it- I'm as weak as I want to be
and sometimes as people we see what we want to see
Hear what we want to hear blacking the rest
Like a massive tattoo across my massive chest
Aching and oozing until it can finally heal.
And be shown off to the world for the art that is real
Like my feelings for you should be.
What you say may be sacred
but secretly I'm dying to shout about time spent with you.
If only to make it seem real in my head to make sure that I wasn't just dreaming in bed
Though I'm sure you don't see it, I think you're just too great to be.
And while you're amazing my charms just won't faze ya'
Leaving no where to run but the page
I know I should stop cause I'm going too fast but I seem to have misplaced the gage
That warns of a speedbump or cliff straight ahead and if I don't slow down then I'm as good as dead
With my heartache exploded on white
I've been here before taken every detour and they all just lead back to the same
Dark road winding and narrow
and I'm like a damsel lost without a hero to help me find my way back.
But you can't glue the earth once you'e made a big crack
like you cannot make up an emotion you lack
waiting for my feelings to return
like a slick boomarang or a sharp shootin arrow
and your life without me's like a room with no table
But for now I am happy just as things are
and all this I'll keep shut away in a jar
only to be opened by good company.
Maybe hide it somewhere far away from me
at the bottom of the cliff that I've fallen in.
::: posted by Jen at 5:14 AM
Thursday, June 09, 2005 :::
Guilt
Secrets fill the inside of me
and threaten to overflow.
I guess I finally learned to keep my mouth shut
or maybe it's just that I truly understand what it means to be selfish.
By scraping the truth off of my chest
it would ease my mind
but my feeling better isn't the point.
No. my feeling better isn't the point anymore.
I know deep down karma will come back to me
and point it's threatening airbrushed acrylic tip
I know I deserve it for the mistake I have made.
Because I keep searching to get back to that feeling of being wanted
-that was so much more innocent when I was young -
When being wanted naked didn't equal feeling better
but feeling better isn't the point.
No. my feeling better isn't the point anymore.
I was depressed for a few weeks there...& I have no qualms about talking about it.
If you know me you know I have no qualms about talking about anything.
And everyone kept telling me they wanted me to feel better
Get better
be better
When I just needed time
Like I generally need space to sleep
Crashing in the middle of my bed that's big enough for two
Yeah, I just crashed for a few weeks there
in the middle of my life that's big enough for two.
and after many sunny afternoons spent dreaming
I found myself feeling better but realizing
that feeling better isn't the point.
No. my feeling better isn't the point anymore.
They say that if we don't learn from the past we are doomed to repeat it
"They say" whoever "they" is...
and I think I've been hurt enough to have learned the lesson of allowing myself to get too close to someone without them being emotionally or sexually responsible for me.
Not to be someone's consolation girlfriend.
But I still desire that intimacy.
So maybe I haven't been hurt enough. Maybe none of us ever will be.
Like experimental mice preferring to shock ourselves to get to orgasm over food
we all want the same thing. we all want someone to validate and make us feel better.
But feeling better isn't the point.
No. my feeling better isn't the point anymore.
I love the ocean at night and fireworks because they make me feel like a little girl.
Innocent small & clean.
I keep unsuccessfully trying to convince different friends to go with me to the beach at night.
I love my friends, but I haven't gone yet.
I love my friends & I love strangers.
It's the acquaintances you have to watch out for. People who have not yet chosen their place in your life.
People you have to make bullshit small-talk with when what you really want is the grit.
The grit that grows out of being alive.
And I suck at small talk- those who have gotten through that stage with me know it and love my grit and poems at 3am.
My grit are fireworks & the ocean at night.
But some people just won't give it up.
But giving it up isn't the point.
No. my giving it up isn't the point anymore.
It just doesn't make me feel better.
::: posted by Jen at 2:22 AM
Tuesday, May 24, 2005 :::
Here's a crappy 1st take at a good idea:
I had a dream with you in it.
But your hair was wild & black.
A fresh tattoo sleeved your arm, shoulder, & back.
And we were close
as we walked & I draped my arm around you from behind
and we seemed to fit goether perfectly.
Your shirt was almost Tarzan-chic.
But it let your new ink breathe.
And I saw my own reflection:
blond bangs peering out from under my black & white tweed newsboy cap
that I haven't worn in a long time.
And my shirt was green.
And we took a bus to your hot rod
where you offered to drive all of my friends home.
I had a dream with you in it.
And I apologized for going through something.
But it was over and I was back.
And for the first time in years
you looked really happy to see me.
And we hugged like we used to,
when our hugs were safe and filled with love.
Unlike now.
When I hug you now it only makes me miss you more.
And we parted ways in the dream.
And I passed your house at night.
Large & white with bright blue shutters.
And you stood in the glowing light of a window
watching me pass.
And I just kept going,
only partly looking back as I crossed the Charles Bridge in Prague.
I had a dream with you in it.
I drempt I missed my chance to see you one last time.
And there was a picture of you, where you had grown a goatee, and you looked great.
Somehow I drove to North Carolina from LA
in 3 hours to get to you & I was too late.
And normally I'd analyze all this, but I think I'll just take it all at face value.
::: posted by Jen at 6:35 PM
And she's still not sure how she feels about it...days later. After purging the event from herself and onto several of her friends, including her ex so that he was sure to know he's not the only man who's had her.
She's still not sure how she feels about last Saturday night. The half burnt candels still sitting in her bedroom like the many empty cans & glasses because she simply can't bring herself to walk them to the other room & put them in their rightful place.
She can't bring herself to decide. Half staring at her bruses with lustful memory & half with disgust.
That is afterall why she tells people. It's why she told me. Hoping I would render some sort of judgement onto her that she could later claim as her own.
"I remember when I used to think I would wait until marriage," she tells me. "And when I thought I would only be with three, but that last one was #3, & I don't think I'll see him again, do you," she asks.
And a part of me wants to tell her to go knock on his door- make it happen, but I don't.
I've known enough ambiguous men in my time to be able to smell it on their breath even after 6 beers, & I wouldn't wish that on her. No one disserves to be with someone who is ambiguous about them.
She sits and combs her hair with her fingers & they get stuck half-way through. Hairspray. She can't remember when she started using it, but it reminds her of her mother. She looks around her messy room & takes a deep breath. It doesn't smell like her.
Hairspray & sex. Yeah, it smells like her mother.
::: posted by Jen at 6:13 PM
Tuesday, May 03, 2005 :::
Underestimated
Women are underestimated everyday
and it makes me laugh
Men think they're on top,
Hard & Strong
when I can control any man by wearing a low-cut shirt
and talking about sex,
soft and gentile like
Helen of Troy, the thought of fucking her started a war-
-Literally.
Wars, once started out of love & passion
now out of oil & religion,
And we're running out of oil
Fast & Strong
and our children will be fucked-
-Literally.
And it clouds my vision to the point where I almost don't want to have any.
But if you were to ask my ex, he'd disagree,
Never interested in fighting for me...
but then again, my name's not Helen.
He fucked me in every way a person can be fucked-
-Literally.
Hard & Fast.
Soft & Quiet.
Through the center of my brain clouding my vision to the point where I'm still writing about it years later.
And my friends would say, Leave it alone.
Because nothing good can come of it.
Nothing good can come of it.
Nothing good can come of it.
Except me coming one last time from the feeling of him filling the inside of me
Hard & Fast
Soft & Gentile
Through the center of my brain,
To the point where I haven't found love since him,
like a blind man fingering a bright room
for a light switch
because he can't believe his eyes.
But 20million viewers can't be wrong
& I want to be right
all the time
Which is my problem.
I'd rather be miserable & right
then happy & wrong
But most of the world feels that way,
or at least they must
when murder is a song.
Movies say death is but a window
and we all keep look, look, lookin for the light,
Thinking it will seep in under the blinds & slowly fill the room with its soft glow,
When really it comes
Hard & Fast
if it comes at all,
through the center of my brain clouding my vision with the haze of a nap that lasted an hour too long.
Causing the thought: I know it's eight but is that day or night? Fuck, I shouldn't have slept so long,
Nothing good can come of it.
Nothing good can come of it.
Nothing good can come of it.
If it comes at all,
But I always do, slightly easy
and always on time.
Even though my timing in love may be off,
I am always on time
Even when it's to see an old friend who's fucked me over,
without the fun part.
And the only thing worse then a friendship based on old memories
is knowing that you would still do anything for that person
Even though you know better,
Because nothing good can come of it.
And it becomes the same old friendship
to the soundtrack of some new indie rock and the same old jokes.
But the new music doesn't make me think anything new
and the old jokes still make me laugh
At least on the inside.
I'm always laughing on the inside
So at least I can say
I got there first.
Like a kid slipping in the cafeteria and laughing at himself before the bullies can.
Because if anyone catches embarasement in your eyes,
nothing good can come of it.
And my eyes give me away all the time.
Which is my problem.
When men know I'm in love with them before I'm ready to admit it to myself.
It's written in my batting eyes of blue & gold
And not even salty tears can wash it away
Like highlighter under a black light glowing
love drips from the tips of my eyelashes for all to see,
Soft & Wet
And nothing good can come of it.
I'd have to build a glass house in the ocean
to hide my emotions,
Fragile & Vulnerable,
you break it you bought it
you'd better wipe your feet before coming into my house
But you'd better believe I'll break your back
If I get you into my bed where
the sun seeps in under the blinds
And throws dots of light onto my
ironically white sheets
Like an insect infested
yet chlorine clean pool
And the sun seeps in through the palms
& throws dots of light onto the Barbie & Ken sized waves and
ironically Barbie & Ken have broken up
Quiet & Fast
through the center of my brain clouding my vision
because Barbie & Ken were supposed to make it
And if they can't then how the fuck can I, & I don't even own
a pink corvette or dream house.
Hell, my prized posessions are a 7yr. old computer that barely runs and a vibrator that always gets me off.
But nothing good can come of it
Except an unemotional fulfillment
from an inanimate object.
Hard & Fast
Soft & Gentile or however I want it.
And every woman I know who doesn't own one, wants one.
Especially after talking to me.
But don't get me started because
I'll go off about the fact that the most exciting mail I got today was another $5 coupon from Bed Bath & Beyond.
And I'll go off about
old boyfriends & napping.
And I'll go off about
getting off
And nothing good can come of it
Nothing good can come of it
Nothing good can come of it.
Although I wish I could go off about
politics or religion
Which in my opinion have become one in the same
But I only know how to write about
love & sex.
::: posted by Jen at 8:40 PM
I know, I know..It's been a while, eh my pets? Pilot season kinda took a lot out of me, including all of my free time. Funny how working 15hrs a day can do that to a person. But I cannot complain, I got to meet a lot of cool celebs & feel all powerful and important in the work I did which has led me to hiatus. Yes, I said hiatus- not unemployment- I still have the key to my office god dammit. Considering I haven't taken a real vacation, meaning not interning, working, taking classes, baby-sitting, etc. since I was in middle school, I'm starting to get antsy. I'm at the point where there are a lot of things I want to do & see in & around LA but I'm seriously lacking the motivation to get out & go. Instead I have been catching up on lost sleep, which my mother says you can never make up, but I'm trying none the less.
The new year has proved to be interesting. While last year was a whirlwind of utter gluttony this year has found me a bit more tame, (with the exception of the weekend in Vegas...but when in Rome...), and a lot more searching with the same amount of confusion as to what exactly it is I am searching for. Now that I'm on hiatus I find my mind once again wandering to thoughts of going back to school to study modern poetry (which would equal what kind of career??), or psycology. And if I didn't have to take any tests or write any papers, or pay any money for that matter, I would go back to school in a heartbeat. If only I could just sit & learn & absorb. I'd rather be a sponge. So here I sit, getting bored again, and this time it sucks because at least after graduation last year most of my friends were also jobless & able to hang out but now I'm all by my lonesome. Which is dangerous. I tend to think too much when I'm alone, over-analyze if you will. But whatever, that at least always produces some good poetry.
I am, however, realizing that some people reeeealy piss me off. Backstabing, nasty, sneeky people with nothing positive to say should just keep their mouths shut if they lack the courage of their convictions to actually tell another person how they feel. But I suppose I am no better after that passive agressive statement. I'm trying desperatly to learn how to keep my mouth shut about my own shit, especially around people I've found time & time again that I unfortunatly, just cannot trust.
And now for a note on marriage & babies:
It seems as though the marriage bug has bitten. Three friends from highschool are engaged (2 to eachother), one old buddy from college is getting married this weekend, my brother is getting married this summer....it's just weddings weddings weddings. Which means that soon there will be babies galore! I must admit that my biological clock is tick-tick-ticking. Yes, I am young, & no there is no one in my life, but I must admit the twinge of jealousy I feel. As a friend recently said to me, "You've just got a lot of love to give, don't you Jen?"- and I do. I even find myself secretly sighing, "Man is that Britteny Spears lucky!"- & not even referring to her money or hot stream of men that have poured from her bed. I know that being 22 & on hiatus (did I mention I'm on hiatus?!?!)- that I have no business even thinking about having a family, but I can't help daydreaming about one day having kids & about how cute & well dressed & well behavied they will be. And about the love. And about the family. I think about that a lot.
Goals for the week: Work on my tan
Get "Kevin Hill" to pay me the $ I'm owed
Stop thinking about stupid boys
Finish the new poem I started
Write more. A lot more.
Well, I believe that's enough of a rant for now. Look out for a new poem comin' atcha soon!!
~J
*Much love to the BRB's & Team Vag
::: posted by Jen at 7:03 PM
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