Tuesday, May 24, 2005 :::
And she's still not sure how she feels about it...days later. After purging the event from herself and onto several of her friends, including her ex so that he was sure to know he's not the only man who's had her.
She's still not sure how she feels about last Saturday night. The half burnt candels still sitting in her bedroom like the many empty cans & glasses because she simply can't bring herself to walk them to the other room & put them in their rightful place.
She can't bring herself to decide. Half staring at her bruses with lustful memory & half with disgust.
That is afterall why she tells people. It's why she told me. Hoping I would render some sort of judgement onto her that she could later claim as her own.
"I remember when I used to think I would wait until marriage," she tells me. "And when I thought I would only be with three, but that last one was #3, & I don't think I'll see him again, do you," she asks.
And a part of me wants to tell her to go knock on his door- make it happen, but I don't.
I've known enough ambiguous men in my time to be able to smell it on their breath even after 6 beers, & I wouldn't wish that on her. No one disserves to be with someone who is ambiguous about them.
She sits and combs her hair with her fingers & they get stuck half-way through. Hairspray. She can't remember when she started using it, but it reminds her of her mother. She looks around her messy room & takes a deep breath. It doesn't smell like her.
Hairspray & sex. Yeah, it smells like her mother.
::: posted by Jen at 6:13 PM
|
