Saturday, June 11, 2005 :::
"Close to a coffin of hope,
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you.
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up on love.
All my resistance will never be distance enough...
...But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles.
Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just [write] about it."
-Anna Nalick
It's really amazing how other people opinions & stories can effect your overall emotions.
If someone tells you to stay away from one person & someone else tells you to go for another person, it can really fuck with you. Especially if you really want to believe the 1st one is a nice guy & you're trying really hard to just be friends with the 2nd...if that makes any sense.
My heart is a mess.
But on the up side, I did write my 1st really great love poem...and my 1st really great rhyming poem. At least I think it's great. Some things were left out, some things exaggerated for the sake of the poem...
Only a Kilometer Down
I keep telling myself I'm not gonna fall
but there I am at the bottom of it all
Looking up and laughing at the distance between us.
Rock crumbling over my head
Flying past my eyes like the rings of a tree trunk instead
It all seems so odd from the surface
Not sure how it came to be that you're standing there looking down onto me
As I stand cutting onions for tears cause I ran dry years ago.
We're quite a like after the layers peel,
Searching out danger just for the feel
Of getting through it to see another sunset
Something in your eyes makes it ok
Makes me feel I can hide my emotions away
And go on just enjoying your company.
But when we say goodbye and I'm driving home in the dark
I can't help but think of how your eyes spark
And they light a bright fire in of the depths of me.
And when I get home and I climb into bed
I imagine I am still with you instead
Just to laugh and to talk nothing more then just that
Living each night like the life of a cat
But I know that it's simply just not meant to be.
I keep telling myself I can do this again
and I'm trying my best not to pretend
Cause I made that mistake once before
and it shattered a friendship right to the core
I'm trying I'm trying I'm shouting outloud
and I wish that I wasn't so loud or so proud
So you'd know that it's true that I'm trying to be real and a good friend to you,
Which I want to.
But it's hard to ignore that you mean something more
When you walk in the room and my hearts to the floor
Even though when I'm with you these feelings don't seem that important.
I know they are there so I try not to care
and pretend it will just go away.
Hiding my heart and tryin not start
Though I know it's already begun.
What's wrong with me that I can't let it be
and let a good friend just be that
Emotions get in the way more & more everyday
though my life doesn't seem to slow down.
I just stay in one place longing for a quick pace
to the time when feelings return
like a slick boomarang or a sharp shootin arrow
And your life without me's like a room with no table
But for now I just have to get by.
Trying to not refuse the thought of another
but anyone else , my heart goes under cover
while with you, it hangs on my sleeve
Beating as true as my respect for you
Full of admiration and hope
The blood coursing though my veins
seems to bypass my brain
cause I don't think that you feel the same
I just hope that you really can see me for me
Behind my girly emotional crap
Sometimes being a woman means feelings often jump the map.
Somehow missing the state of safe terrotiry
That some higher power has planned out for me to be loved in.
But I'd need one huge compass to show me the way
up and out of the ditch that I fell in today
When I saw you nothing was quite enough
to make me able to hide me from myself
I've got no resistance strong enough
Maybe thats it- I'm as weak as I want to be
and sometimes as people we see what we want to see
Hear what we want to hear blacking the rest
Like a massive tattoo across my massive chest
Aching and oozing until it can finally heal.
And be shown off to the world for the art that is real
Like my feelings for you should be.
What you say may be sacred
but secretly I'm dying to shout about time spent with you.
If only to make it seem real in my head to make sure that I wasn't just dreaming in bed
Though I'm sure you don't see it, I think you're just too great to be.
And while you're amazing my charms just won't faze ya'
Leaving no where to run but the page
I know I should stop cause I'm going too fast but I seem to have misplaced the gage
That warns of a speedbump or cliff straight ahead and if I don't slow down then I'm as good as dead
With my heartache exploded on white
I've been here before taken every detour and they all just lead back to the same
Dark road winding and narrow
and I'm like a damsel lost without a hero to help me find my way back.
But you can't glue the earth once you'e made a big crack
like you cannot make up an emotion you lack
waiting for my feelings to return
like a slick boomarang or a sharp shootin arrow
and your life without me's like a room with no table
But for now I am happy just as things are
and all this I'll keep shut away in a jar
only to be opened by good company.
Maybe hide it somewhere far away from me
at the bottom of the cliff that I've fallen in.
::: posted by Jen at 5:14 AM
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