Thursday, June 09, 2005 :::
Guilt
Secrets fill the inside of me
and threaten to overflow.
I guess I finally learned to keep my mouth shut
or maybe it's just that I truly understand what it means to be selfish.
By scraping the truth off of my chest
it would ease my mind
but my feeling better isn't the point.
No. my feeling better isn't the point anymore.
I know deep down karma will come back to me
and point it's threatening airbrushed acrylic tip
I know I deserve it for the mistake I have made.
Because I keep searching to get back to that feeling of being wanted
-that was so much more innocent when I was young -
When being wanted naked didn't equal feeling better
but feeling better isn't the point.
No. my feeling better isn't the point anymore.
I was depressed for a few weeks there...& I have no qualms about talking about it.
If you know me you know I have no qualms about talking about anything.
And everyone kept telling me they wanted me to feel better
Get better
be better
When I just needed time
Like I generally need space to sleep
Crashing in the middle of my bed that's big enough for two
Yeah, I just crashed for a few weeks there
in the middle of my life that's big enough for two.
and after many sunny afternoons spent dreaming
I found myself feeling better but realizing
that feeling better isn't the point.
No. my feeling better isn't the point anymore.
They say that if we don't learn from the past we are doomed to repeat it
"They say" whoever "they" is...
and I think I've been hurt enough to have learned the lesson of allowing myself to get too close to someone without them being emotionally or sexually responsible for me.
Not to be someone's consolation girlfriend.
But I still desire that intimacy.
So maybe I haven't been hurt enough. Maybe none of us ever will be.
Like experimental mice preferring to shock ourselves to get to orgasm over food
we all want the same thing. we all want someone to validate and make us feel better.
But feeling better isn't the point.
No. my feeling better isn't the point anymore.
I love the ocean at night and fireworks because they make me feel like a little girl.
Innocent small & clean.
I keep unsuccessfully trying to convince different friends to go with me to the beach at night.
I love my friends, but I haven't gone yet.
I love my friends & I love strangers.
It's the acquaintances you have to watch out for. People who have not yet chosen their place in your life.
People you have to make bullshit small-talk with when what you really want is the grit.
The grit that grows out of being alive.
And I suck at small talk- those who have gotten through that stage with me know it and love my grit and poems at 3am.
My grit are fireworks & the ocean at night.
But some people just won't give it up.
But giving it up isn't the point.
No. my giving it up isn't the point anymore.
It just doesn't make me feel better.
::: posted by Jen at 2:22 AM
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