Wednesday, March 27, 2002 :::
MY MOMMY'S IN AN AIR PLANE COMING TO SEE ME BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME MORE THEN YOUR MOMMY LOVES YOU!!!!
::: posted by Jen at 3:07 PM
Tuesday, March 26, 2002 :::
Wow-so I went to the Vink tonight-had a lot-a cute aquantince bought be a drink & another cute aquantince kissed my hand-i should wear this shirt more often-might have better (or any) luck with the men folk. Yeah, so after that, smoked a lot. Man, I love my life. Be better if there was someone waiting for me after my 20mile climb into bed tonight. But we all had this conversation where we discussed the theory of "Castle Goggels" much like beer goggels-where in we're all finding people attractive that we normally would't (& that people we found attractive before are even more so)-simply because were so confined & frustrated. It's like "oo, I never noticed how cute (blank) was before." But not that theres any hooking up going on. Everyones in a relationship relationship or painfully single-either too afraid to make a move, or insecure about the whole "Castle Goggels" & not wanting to do anythign they'd regret, which is good-even though I'm a no regrets kinda gal. Everything teaches u a lesson, i mean, there are some lessons u have to learn several times (& there are some lessons I dont mind learning over & over & over & over again ;o) ) But its all good, 36 days till I'm in Boston with my best friends. MB I'll be gettin some then- the cards are fallin & the cookies are a'-startin to crumble-you'd all betta watch out!!
"Love don't make things nice, it ruins everything, it breaks your heart, it makes things a mess. We're not here to make things perfect. Snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. We are here to ruin ourselves and break our hearts and love the wrong people and die!! Don't try to live on milk and cookies when what you want is meat! Red meat just like me! It's wolves run with wolves and nothing else! Come upstairs with me and get in my bed!"-Moonstruck-Oh so true....SO friggin tr-iz-ue.
G'nite
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 8:02 PM
Monday, March 25, 2002 :::
Go to: http://www.liquid2k.com/buttered/classic.html
to find out what kind of duck u are!
I'm a tie b/w the hot sexy pink girly duck & the classic yellow chill flava'!
::: posted by Jen at 5:40 PM
I think I've underestimated the difficulty of sending an email. If you love me, prove me wrong, drop me a line. It will make me smile.
::: posted by Jen at 5:21 PM
Sunday, March 24, 2002 :::
Ok I just had a tarot reading-one of my professors here @ the castle does them occasionally. It told me some interesting things & somethings I didn't nesessarily want to hear, but here's the gist:
I'm at a point right now in my life where I'm feeling very emotionaly & mentally secure & with-it. (true). I also learned a lot of lessons at a very young age in my development (which come into play later). Also, sometime in the near past I made a bad decision. I wanted more clarification on that issue, so after drawing another card, it was determined that I went into this with all good intentions-thinking it was a good decision & basically, somewhere along the way, it just became bad. (very very true). Within the next year there will be a work/carreer related issue that will need to be taken slowly but surely (one of the lessons from my childhood)-otherwise it will crumble before me, so I should be careful. I asked another question about another issue thats been on my mind for the past few months & what came up wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, although it's been on my mind. Basically theres a genuinly good person, somewhat immature or selfish, or just not ready or willing to give me what I want or need, although I've put in a lot of hard work into the interactions-put in as much as I possibly can, but the fact remains that people & things look different in sunlight then they do by the light of the moon, & I'm starting to realize this. This also tied into the cards dealing with an undertaking that appeared to be good but went bad somewhere along the line. Interesting. Very interesting. I love tarot readings. They just always make me more aware of the person I am & things going on in my life. May the cosmos lay as they will.
::: posted by Jen at 3:18 PM
Saturday, March 23, 2002 :::
This is what I do when I'm bored. I take online tests....well, that & write poetry that no one really understands.
Sanity Test:
Result: You're a risk taker.
Personality: You are not bound by the limits of society's expectations. You are willing to leap off cliffs for thrills, no matter what danger lies ahead. You like roller coasters, and have probably come home plastered many times, not caring what your parents/significant other/spouse thinks.
Sanity level: Just above normal. You are capable of making accurate decisions, and being in control. You handle situations well, although you're very agressive in the sack.
(See, I knew I was sane)
Stoner Test:
Are You High? You're a recreational stoner. In other words you smoke a few times a week but not every day. You only do the drugs when there is a crowd to do them with. When you're done with college you'll probably quit, or subdue use quite a bit. Now get back to the books! (u should be happy mom!)
Horny Test:
Result: Your horniness is somewhat fulfilled.
Sociotype: Once a loser, now on your way to being a player. You're moving up in the ranks. Your name has been screamed a few times. But you still have some more to learn. Keep on doing your thing, you're getting the hang of it.
Type of Tree I am:
HAZELNUT TREE (the Extraordinary): charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, popular, moody, and capricious lover, honest, and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgment.
Personality Test:
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out. (I dont know about all that)
Libra 3/23/02
You may be a little moody or withdrawn and might feel like keeping things to yourself today. You're probably just feeling a little insecure about some relationship matter and are afraid of expressing yourself
"Some say the world will end in fire; Some say ice. From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire."
::: posted by Jen at 2:01 PM
I am an idiot.
::: posted by Jen at 8:35 AM
Friday, March 22, 2002 :::
Wanted
I think im little girl
Wrapped in a hard black shell
With a pink bow
Sometimes tears choke me like hands with fake nails
Stuck-they've formed a thick paste within
Do u think u could be the one to help me scrape them out?
I need a sketch artist to paint my Rorschach
Tell me what you find
Even though i'll probably dissagree
Then there's this woman
Wearin' a black suit & doin' the bitch walk
Starred eyes mask my
Ruby cave with candy inside
Whats your favorite candy, little one? 'cause my shelves are stocked.
Do u think you could be the one to fill me up with you, because my gas gage is blinkin
I'm currently accepting applications
Theres only one question it wont take long
Why do YOU want ME?
If its because i want you, well thats just not good enough.
I need an answer more substancial
Something with more thought then a 'just because'
Because my veins are thin from years of slippers
And my ribcage is busting with the salt of many months
Held back by asthma attacks on tile floors
Locked away are some feelings i know i deserve to let free
Because i was a good girl for so many years
A compliantly difficult young lady
But a good girl
The kind u could bring home to mom for christmas dinner
Because im not that jewish
Or lay down
Because im not that good
Im the type that brings myself to show and tell
To sing a song or dance the way i taught madonna
I'll tell you how it really is if the class can stand it
If its not too progressive
Regressive
Repressed
Supressed
Like my memories of my childhood
That i didn't quite have
I think the little girl is getting her kicks now
In a more seductive way
Like barbie played with ken
Kissing plastic lips not quite fitting together (even though we tried so hard her red lipstick wore off)
And this woman will have her time
When the shoulder is ripe for crying
Or biting
When i stop biting my nails long enough for them to be long enough to scratch my name into someones back
I'll let you know
When the deadline is.
::: posted by Jen at 9:30 PM
Here's a song I wrote last year for someone who I loved for too long. This person is no longer in my life, but the song has been in my head lately, so I thought I'd share it here:
"We're out of link, I'm crazy for believing. Fresh out of ink, moved on but I'm still thinking. You've got a new Bic, well, I'm still licking our tip. And I'm gone & you're there. Thick distance through air. And we're friends & it's cool, Bickered all through school. Of the few that I miss, You were my first kiss. And I'm still crying over you. And I'm still not over us. And when you say you miss me, It means more. And when you say you love me, My heart soars. And I'm still, not over you yet. And it burns & it churns in my head at night. And I cry & I scream even in my dreams. And I'm still crying over you & I'm still not over us. Did I miss the bus?-Or jump the plane before home? Well, I'm not in lust, My sign says 'Heart & Soul or Bust' I'm waiting at the stand, Needing more then just your hand. And when you say you need a friend. It means so much more in my head. And if you swear you love me, Then why aren't you in my bed? Did you jump ahead? Leaving me behind. Was I supposed to die? Crawl away & smile? 'No, that's ok. We were always just friends, anyway.' And when you're not there, I get too scared. I get mad I get sad I feel all alone. Go insane out of frame & I cry & I scream even in my dreams. And I'm still crying over you. And I'm still crying over stills of you. And I'm still, not over us. Don't ball me up. Or try to throw me away. I'm not like the rest. I just won't fade that easy. And don't group me, 'Cause we're on a different key. And don't groap me, If it doesn't mean a thing. I'm no joke, I'm no toy. Like easy girls & foolish boys. So I try & I think I'm fresh out of ink. So I lick & I scratch my own damn back. And I leave on my own, Run away from home. And you're gone & I'm here, Thick distance through air. And when I say I love you, I mean it more. And when I say I miss you, Memories soar. And I'm still crying over you, And I'm still crying over stills of you, And I'm still not over us."
I don't love this person anymore, which is hard to say. In fact, I hardly talk to him. He was my best friend, but people change & sometimes you forget why you loved someone to begin with. I will, however, never forget what I learned through our friendship: That you don't have to be IN LOVE with someone to love them. You don't have to be IN LOVE with someone for them to be your soul mate. You don't have to end up with that person for them to have made an impact in your life, because from every person you meet, you make a decision, whether concious or not, as to what you do or do not want or need in another person, thus becoming that much more whole on your own. So thank you for the tears. They've helped me become the woman I am.
::: posted by Jen at 5:13 PM
THE ORIGIN OF LOVE
In the beginning things were very different.... This is the Origin of Love
Long ago, when the Earth was flat and the clouds were made of fire, the world was inhabited by creatures similar to, but very different from we humans.
There were three sexes then, one that looked like two men glued back to back, they were called the Children of the Sun.
The Children of the Earth looked like two women rolled up in one.
And the Children of the Moon, the strangest of all.
Part Sun, part Moon, part daughter, part son.
And they knew nothing of love, this was before
The Origin of Love.
The Gods were scared of the power and defiance they witnessed on Earth.
Thor spoke in a low rumble of thunder,
"These tiny creatures need to learn a lesson. I will
stike them down with a mighty blow of my hammer."
But Zeus said, "NO, I shall cut them down with my powerful
lightening. Let them be humbled with my might.Like I cut the leggs off of whales, dinasours into lizards."
Zeus grabbed up some bolts, let out a laugh and said, "I'm going to cut them right down the middle, gonna cut them right down in half."
And the storm clouds gathered above, into great balls of fire
And then the fire shot down from the sky in bolts like shining blades of a knife.
And it ripped through the flesh of the Children of the Sun and the Moon and the Earth.
And some Indian God sewed the wound up to a hole pulled around to our bellies
to remind us of the price we paid.
And Osiris and the Gods of the Nile gathered up a big storm
to blow a hurricane to scatter us away
in a flood of wind and rain, a sea of tidal waves
and if we don't behave they'll cut us down again
and we'll be hopping around on one foot
and looking through one eye.
The last time I saw you,
we'd just split in two.
You were looking at me,
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
but I could not recognize,
'Cause you had blood on your face
and I had blood in my eyes
But I could swear by your expression
that the pain down in your soul
was the same as the one down in mine
That's the pain that cuts a straight line down through the heart. And we called it love
So we wrapped our arms 'round each other, trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love. Making love…
It was a long dark evening such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of jove
It was a sad story how we became two lonely two legged creatures...
The Story, the origin of love
~HEDWIG & THE ANGRY INCH~
::: posted by Jen at 4:36 PM
I decided last night (in a partially drunken state)-that I vow to never allow myself to stay in a relationship simply because it's comfortable- or because it has always just been. I watch some couples sometimes that just seem stuck with eachother, & thats a damn shame, because we're too young for that sort of thing. I will ALWAYS be too young for that sort of thing. Today my roomate Molly gave out deragatory nicknames to some of our friends here at the castle. It was decided that I am a Tool. At first I was like "Nonono, I'm a DORK." But that name was already claimed by Molly herself, but then I thought about it & Tool is a word associated w/penis & anything phallic is OK by me, so I guess it fits. Also, I watched the film, "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" for the 1st time last night. Loved it. The shots were amazing, colors: wildly vivid, acting: superb. SO GOOD. There's a point when Hedwig is talking to Tommy about their relationship & love in general, & Hedwig says "Love is immortal"-to which I say "girl, my sentiments exactly"-.Throughout their entire relationship up to this point, Tommy had never kissed Hedwig on the lips & he suddenly said "Breath through my mouth" & grabbed Hedwig passionatly. (sigh)-If anyone ever said that to me I swear I would melt on the spot.
Watching that movie is like watching a slowly building orgasm only paralelled by Rocky Horror- except Rocky is a bunch of little climaxes rolled into one- while Hedwig starts off soft & slow building up to the most passionatly astounding explosion I think I have ever seen on screen-An explosion based off of personal actualization & growth rather then sex. Wow.
HEDWIG & THE ANGRY INCH: see it, be it, love it, live it.
On another note, I am too obsessed with this weblog shit.
~J
::: posted by Jen at 3:29 PM
Wednesday, March 20, 2002 :::
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DRIZUNK.
I was told tonight by my friends that I "talk about sex" more then anyone my friends know. GO ME! -I cant help it if I'm deprived. I told um to find me a man & I'll shut up-dont see that happening, so then I was told to get a vibrator, but those just arent the same, you know? Oh well. It seems as though I am stuck in my sexual frustration, ah vell, such is Mango. -I guess its yet another price you pay for living in a castle. I think I have an invisible chastity belt that like, sends off some high-pitched sound only men can hear. What do you think? Can you hear it?
I know this entry is WAY TMI for a lot of you, but hey, I said when I started this weblog that I was starting it for selfish reasons-so there you go.
PO- & goodnight. Wish me sweet dreams ;o)
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 6:33 PM
They played "H-to-the-izzo" last night at the Vink.My ass was gettin down & dirty. Ahhh memories (sigh).
Stayin in this weekend, gonna take some day trips: shopping in Venlo & taking the train a few hours to this beautiful town in Belguim called Vielsalm, simply to see whats there. I passed Vielsalm on the train to Luxembourg my 1st weekend here & was amazed by its beauty, so I can't wait to explore.
Just as I was starting to like Kylie Mingion (or however u spell that)-I was told that shes the obnoxios chick that re-did the Locomotion song when I was like 3 or 4. She's a dirty old skank. EW. No MILF's in my CD collection, thanks very much. I still cant get her damn song "out of my head" ironically.
My mom's coming next weekend :) YAY! A lil' bit 'o home.
Libra 3/20/02
Your most important relationships should be feeling recharged and revitalized today. If there's anything you've dreamed about doing with your partner but never seemed to get around to, now's the time to get around to it. The cosmic energies are on the side of anything you begin with another person over the next few days, so don't be afraid to go after what you want. ( Editors note: after what I want? hmm, that would require me figuring that out first...not that I dont know what I want...its just....blarg. )
I just heard the new Jewel CD the other day & really loved it, I didnt think it would be anything in comparison to her 1st CD, & her 2nd one just plain sucked, but I really related to a lot of her new lyrics:
"Night with its shattered teeth attempts to speak
My pen is present but courage left via the sink
And I'm sorry I snuck up on you from behind
Sorry not all my love letters did rhyme
And I'm sorry that Jesus died for my sins
And I swear to God it won't happen again
And I'm sorry if it was my swerve that tempted you to sway
Oh well, sometimes it be that way
And Romeo was a very nice man
He said, "{Jen}, I don't think you quite understand"
And I'm sorry if you had to explain it like this
Sorry I was a point you were destined to miss
And I'm sorry if my heart breaking ruined your day
Oh well, sometimes it be that way
I said, "Oh well, I got nothing left to sell"
This love was a bell that rang unheard in the air
I was bound to find out that you didn't care
Oh well, sometimes it be that way
And Aphrodite with her neon lamp
Kissed Neptune, they put her face on a stamp
And I'm sorry I used it to mail a letter to you
And I'm sorry not even this jet's metal wings
Could get across these simple things
And I'm sorry if I ever sang your name in vain
Oh well, sometimes it be that way
And I'm sorry I didn't always have a match
That could start a fire big enough for your heart to catch
Oh well, sometimes it be that way"-Sometimes it be that way
" I am drifting without an anchor
Through your ambiguous region
A strange continent immune to all reason
And I'm flattered by your grey matter
Inside my skin, I feel your tongue
It's telling me I'm dirty and licking my bones
A scrape against silence, a knife across a plate
Makes the sound of need on hate
And I do not understand
Why a woman can't just love a man"-Grey Matter
::: posted by Jen at 1:38 PM
Tuesday, March 19, 2002 :::
"One question: do you need someone or do you need me?" -Say Anything
::: posted by Jen at 11:21 AM
Libra 3/19/02: You could start the day feeling a little low-key and insecure and probably won't really feel like doing too much. But things should start to pick up later tonight when a little better attitude should help you to make progress on a few fronts. You're also likely to start feeling much more adventurous as the evening rolls on. (Editors note: THANK GOD).
::: posted by Jen at 6:11 AM
Monday, March 18, 2002 :::
Lonely tonight. Then Sarah forced me into a chat room with her & Nicole. Too much. Sarge-you are SO in for it when I see you next. I hear voices in my head-the little lectures of angels & devils on either side of helping me clear the fog in my head. As if my voice isnt enough. But I've decided that I'm overly analytical-so I think about all sides to all things -but I'm also an optomist, so I like to believe in the most positive happy outcome. Does that make me naive? If it does-I dont care-bc thats a decision that I am making. Some people are just worth that to me.And some others might never understand why. Does it make me blind to what peoples real motives are? I dont think so, & I sincerely hope not. I'd like to think I'm smarter then that. I've just been hurt a lot before, I'm just thinking too much tonight. Now I know why so many Kings & Queens back in the day went mad. I think its the castle life that does it to you. Am I not allowed to feel this way? Is it so wrong to miss the familiar & the comfortable life I will return to? Whatever, somewhere along the line I think I forgot that I'm better then this shit & that my opinion is the only one that matters. But sometimes it would just be nice to have someone around who KNOWS me-not just the idea of myself I portray sometimes, because Im more then that. And I'm more then sex, & more then a good joke, & more then you reading this probably think. I'm wonderfly complex-so complex I'm simple. I'm one of the most simple people I know-& I think thats what makes me so complicated sometimes. Just dont try to psycoanalyse me-bc I do it enough myself. Period. I am in control. Exclamation point.
::: posted by Jen at 6:54 PM
Sunday, March 17, 2002 :::
Prague(Praha)-Loved it.Bought lots of gifts for people.. Now for the continuation of "Things I've learned this semester": 1.)-I have bad timing {Thanks Miles} 2.)-I am so lucky, SO lucky. 3.)-That theres a castle in Germany called the Neuschwanstein (sounds kinda like my last name, eh? eh?) Castle-which is what Walt Disney based the Cinderella Castle off of-sweetness. 4.)-Missing people sucks. 5.)-Hearing that people miss me makes me cry. 6.)-That even though I may be caught up in something that may be the STUPIDEST thing I've ever done, its completly worth it.7.)-Some people are just worth it. 8.) I'm not sure how I did it, but I ended up saine. Really really oddly saine. 9.)-I am lucky.
I just have such an appreciation of everything that I am experiancing-there are no words. I cannot believe I've seen 9 countries. Wow. "Somewhere in my wicked childhood, I must have done something good."
I love you all so much, you have no idea. Everyone of you is here with me-seeing the mountains & rivers through my eyes.
~J
::: posted by Jen at 2:02 PM
Wednesday, March 13, 2002 :::
In class today we began discussion in Freudian Theory, which I love. I discovered that I not only am slightly stuck in the "Oral Stage" of life. (I.E. why I bite my nails like crazy & why I find odd pleasure in smoking), -But that I also have an overactive Ego, the part of the unconcious that is contstantly making compromises with the self (Id & Super Ego)-always searching for creative ways to appease myself & others. Hm. Yeah. If anyone wants me to analyze them based on Freudian theory, let me know-I love it. PO. ~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 12:56 PM
I'm proud of me. I got my ass out of bed & went to lunch, then hopped the bus to Venlo to get my ticket to Prague for the weekend. Bought an ankle brace because my ankle is now all black & blue & swollen. Not a happy thing. I've talked to Miles & Sarah a few times lately. God it was good to hear their voices (sigh). So much love in the world. PO for now.
~Jen
"You got an attitude of everything I ever wanted. I got an attitude of need."
::: posted by Jen at 9:57 AM
Tuesday, March 12, 2002 :::
OMG-man, theres a TRAIN i just need to get off. Some of you know what kind of train im talkin about. Man. I need to bad. You have no idea. Like now-like 5 minutes ago.I was just talkin to boyfiend John about this -needing it bad. "So u wanna deep throat that Aquafina bottle?"-yes, sarah, yes. "Because its purity gaurenteed. I am not Immaculate Jen as i used to be called. I'm switching Madonna albums in my life..I'm thinkin.....Erotica. Thats a good one to put on-or Bedtime Stories-mmm even better.
::: posted by Jen at 7:25 PM
Here's a lil sum'in sum'in I wrote over X-Mas break titled: Eternal Resolution.
I am a klutz. Falling easily. Sometimes it's hard to get up off the slick ground. I try to scratch, but my nails don't have teeth yet, so they gum the tile. And I can feel the bruises forming on my knees. I can almost make out my reflection, mangled more by the misplaced strands of hair then the cracks mirrored in my eyes. As on mornings of nights spent scratching skin against skin. Freshly waxed thighs glistning in persperation. Making out perfection through a naked mans eyes. I can feel the bruises forming from the clumsy fall, & sometimes it's hard to get up. I am a klutz. Dropping shit. Sometimes it's hard to pick up all the pieces scattered around my feet. So tiny. There always seems to be one stuck under my skin, pulsing & stinging until I can gum it out. There's lots of little shreds in there-not enough to cause hemmorage, just enough to be annoying. But I'm the one who broke to pieces. Loosing grasp. And sometimes it's hard to put it back together. I am a klutz. Tripping over myself. Damaging my skin every day with each puff of light air. But if you were to see me, doing that dance I do: Hips shakin' just right. Lips smakin' just right. Words forming just right. You'd never know.
::: posted by Jen at 8:29 AM
Monday, March 11, 2002 :::
"Dankeschon, darlin, dankeshon." Wvelcomen ben vienue, welcome.." What a German filled weekend! - amazing, but if you're reading this, you probably got my email all about it. If not, drop me a line & I'll foreward it ;)
I was kinda dissapointed that I couldnt skydive or canyon jump b/c of my funds, but I figured if I'm gonna be up in the sky, I want to really SEE everything. I pick my poisons, It's all about a little self compromise. A lot of my peeps are in LA right now, I called Miles & Sarah earlier -talked to Sarah for the 1st time since I've been here-it was so good to hear her voice. I've got some poetry to add here & things like that. My mind is kind of a mush pot right now, swirling with a bunch of things. My mom sent me a MAJOR package today-more chocolate then I could ever eat in my life & I got a card from Sarah-made me cry. I love mail & little pieces of loved ones that come along with them. -HINT-HINT. Man, I had a lot to write, now my minds a blank. SO-I'm just gonna put some quotes that always make me think of a lot of things/people. Take from it what you will.
"You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself to make yourself forget. I am not worried. 'If it's love,' she said, 'then we're going to have to think about the consequences.' She can't stop shaking I can't stop touching her-but I'm not gonna break, & I'm not gonna bend, & I'm not gonna worry about it anymore." "Either way now, I don't really care, I'm not there. I'm almost drowning in her sea, she's nearly crawling on her knees. She's down on her knees. I'm just another rider burned to the ground." -Counting Crows
"I'm not with you, not of you. Not with you, not of you. I am soft and young to you. You are the ghost who comes & goes & I hope I'll catch you in the throws of one last look in wonder.."
"Where you think you'll fall, I adore you. Where you shut your soul, I will open for you. Silver eyes, I can see us shine."
"Must I always dream and see your face? Why can't we overcome this wall. Maybe it's just I didn't know you at all. Kiss me, please kiss me, but kiss me out of desire & not consolation."
"And maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong. But tonight you're on my mind (you'll never know). Too young to hold on, & too old to just break free and run. So I'll wait for you, & I'll burn, or will I ever learn? It's never over. My kingdom for a kiss upon your shoulder. It's never over. You're the tear that hangs inside my soul forever. "
"The welts of your scorn, my love, give me more, Send whips of opinion down my back, give me more."
----Jeff Buckley
::: posted by Jen at 5:51 PM
Thursday, March 07, 2002 :::
Libra
Your most important relationships could really be benefiting from the energies coming your way today. You could be challenged to quit dreaming and start moving forward towards making your aspirations a reality where your relationships are concerned right now.
Hm. Ok, well, I'm ready to leave for Switzerland, unfortunatly, we're not leaving for another hour & a half!
I thought of some more "Things I've learned this semester": I've learned the correct pronunciation of my last name (over & over again by the faculty at the castle & by EVERYONE IN EUROPE!)-correctly, it is pronounced "NOI-scht-ine" but I wont take offence if you call me by the regular old Americanized version. Also, I've learned what my last name means: New Stone. Interesting I suppose.
Acting class was actually really good today, as good as a 6 hour intensive studio class can be.
Today we all got little letters from Boston! Class Council set up a table in front of the DH so people could just write little Hello's & Dana (who arrived here today to work on a project w/Mikee)-brought them. Best thing ever.
I just feel very emotionally drained from being too "people sick" Something reminded me of Miles last night & I seriously sat down & thought about how much I missed him for like 10minutes, & thats been happening about a lot of people this past week, so I'm really glad to be leaving for a much needed weekend of EXTREME WINTER SPORTS! (dont worry mom, I'll be careful) & we got those little pieces of Boston today. (except i think one of the other Jen's here got the one from Sarah instead of me, I'll ask um when I see um though). BUT...all is good. I'm insainly jealous of everyone thats going to LA for Spring Break, mainly because they're all going to be together, then I slap myself & say "Jen, YOURE IN EUROPE"- & all is good. (sigh). I swear some people I know are only figments of my imagination-haunting, lingering figments. I'll be in touch Sunday night or Monday. Dont miss me too much. ;o)
::: posted by Jen at 1:57 PM
Wednesday, March 06, 2002 :::
I had such a productive day! The highpoint was finishing (& starting) my paper for World Drama thats due tomorrow: "The Optomistic Suicide of Miss Julie: A point of Binary Opposition, by Strindberg, on Strindberg" After my 6 hour acting class, 9 of us are heading out to Switzerland for the weekend. Be back on Sunday night sometime!
Love you all!
~Jen
P.S.-check this site out for the perfect male fantasy:
http://www.webforwards.com/perfectwoman.htm
::: posted by Jen at 5:00 PM
Tuesday, March 05, 2002 :::
im messed up. i love the netherlands. As LJ always says, " Jen,why do we live like this??"
" When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse, out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look but it was gone, I cannot put my finger on it now. The child is grown, the dream is gone. I do not understand, this is not how I am. I have become comfortably numb."-Pink Floyd
~J
::: posted by Jen at 6:45 PM
http://bloghit.com/archives/godkills.jpg
OMG go to this link. It's the funniest thing ever. I swear.
::: posted by Jen at 1:20 PM
Bored & waiting for dinner because I havent eaten yet today. Yeah. 2 midterms down, 1 paper due Thurs & another due next week sometime. Castle papers are really short though-I'm talkin 3 or 4 pages, which is absolutly nothing, I can spit that out in an hour and a half. Gotta go tomorrow to Venlo to get train tickets for the weekend trip to Interloken, Switzerland. Paragliding & skiing & hot tubs!? OH MY!
" I need a raincoat
I need a phone call
I need a big love
I need a plane ride
I need a sun burn
I need a phone call
I need a raincoat.
There's things I remember & things I forget. I miss you. I guess that I should. 3,500 miles away, but what would you change if you could?"-Counting Crows
::: posted by Jen at 11:51 AM
Monday, March 04, 2002 :::
I had this crazy thought in my head a few months back & had no where to write it or express it, so I'm going to do it here. Because I can. I've decided that judging by some past events, I'm going to be 'the one that got away' for a lot of people in my life in neumerous ways. Just because I'm one of those types of friends/relationship persons who others assume will "always be there" or will "always come around." I "always understand" every one else's situations and "respect" them, until I get sick of getting zippo in return-or bitched at even-I'm going to try to make myself more clear in the future. I am a force to be reconed with. Karma is a bitch & so am I. Hellz yeah motha fucka!
Sarah, my love: We are really having the friendship I've had nightmares about. -SHOULDNT U BE EATING SOME FIGS? SHOVE THE FUCKING DATES UP UR BIG GOAT ASS!
Sarge-miss you miss you miss you. I cannot say it enough.
I love everyone. YAY FOR THE WORLD!
I'm working to make the familiar anthropologically strange.
"Love is a bourgeoise ideal."-Peiter Vjierman (my World Drama teacher-he's FAB-ulous.)
::: posted by Jen at 6:46 AM
Sunday, March 03, 2002 :::
Is it wierd that something from someone so many miles away can give me butterflies? You know who you are. ;o)
Life is still good, (I know, I know, its un-entertaining for me to keep saying that, but when its true, its true)-Midterms start tomorrow. One tomorrow, then one on Tues & a paper due Thurs. Thats about it, not too harsh.
On another note, Let the Apartment Search Commence!-
Ok, its time for me to hit the hay.
Love to you all,
~Jen
"Don't ask, don't tell, and if it's good-DON'T STOP!"
::: posted by Jen at 6:27 PM
Saturday, March 02, 2002 :::
Through. ....& then not. Oh the see-saw that is my life & how easily it is tilted in either way.
::: posted by Jen at 9:57 PM
I love LJ:
"Jen, whats that thing..that..damn..ummm...OH! Airport! I was thinkin' 'It cant be a plane station!' "
The following is an actual conversation we just had outside:
Me: And you're not gonna show it to me.
LJ: You might cry.
Me: I might throw up on you.
LJ: I might throw up on me.
-I promise you dont want to know what we were talking about.-
::: posted by Jen at 9:39 PM
Today: because its the weekend, not many people are at the castle, so we had an "American Style" breakfast. Made me feel like I swallowed a log. After that was a 3 hour nap. LJ & I had a girls night last night, which ended at 4am, so a nap was well in order. Went to Venlo with the intention to buy a new pair of gloves, a new wallet, mb some cute lacey stuff & chocolate body paint, I mean...right...who knows....however, all was for not. We ended up leaving at 6pm-because the stores were all closed, we did somehow manage to hit up a coffee shop before headin back to the castle for another nap & some studying. On our walk back to the bus station, LJ remarked: "it's a good thing we have glasses otherwise people might know that we're stoned"
(It's just one of those "When in Rome" sort of things.)
Tomorrow: laundry, reading, cleaning...I live in a castle dont I? Shouldn't there be surfs or peasents to do that sort of thing for me??
Libra
Certain loved ones could really be seeking your attention today. And you should be getting more appreciation for your own originality and creativity right now. So don't be afraid to express yourself in some highly original and unusual ways. A friend or loved one could be surprising you in some way today.
Well, today's over & I definatly didn't get a suprise. Except that I didn't get housing, so Im getting an apartment w/Sarah & Boyfriend John! Im really excited actually-its gonna be amazing. My mom is interested in looking into buying an apartment because its a "Good investment"-wow. I dont know who the woman was I was talking to on IM, but I hope she keeps my mother locked up.
Love
~Jen
You ever get the feeling somones avoiding you?
"We'll crucify the insincere tonight."
::: posted by Jen at 8:20 PM
Friday, March 01, 2002 :::
So in my Ren & Ref class we read this very profound work by the scholar, poet & humanist Petrarch. A lot of his work touched me, so I'd like to share some with all of you. This entire piece is a letter written to a Roman philosopher as though he was still alive. In this, Petrarch is describing his assent up Mt. Ventosum, Italy. I hope you will find the life lessons I did within these words.
" But as a poet once put it well 'Remorseless labour conquers all.'...Thus, once again I found myself taking the easy way, the roundabout path of winding hollows only to find myself soon back in my old difficulty. I was simply putting off the trouble of climbing;but no man's wit can alter the nature of things, and there is no way to reach the heights by going downward. In short, I tell you that I made this same mistake three or more times...I finally sat down in a hollow and my thoughts quickly turned from material things to the spititual and I said to myself what follows, 'What you have experianced so often today certainly happens to many others in their journey toward the blessed life. But this is not so easily percieved by men, for the movements of the body are out in the open while those of the soul are invisible & hidden. The life we call blessed is to be sought on a high level, & straight is the way that leads to it. Many, also, are the hills that stand in the way that leads to it. To wish is not enough, you must earn with ardent eagerness to gain your end. What then is holding you back? While much that is dubious and evil still clings to me, what I once loved, I love no longer. Come now, what am I saying? I still love it, but more moderatly. The fact is, I love, but I love what I long not to love, what I would like to hate. Thus, my thoughts turned back over the last 10 years & then with concentrated thought on the future, I asked myself , 'If you should prolong this uncertain life of yours, could you not face death with complete assurance at least with hopefullness, calmly dismissing from your thoughts the residuum of life that fades into old age?' I thought in silence of the vanity in us mortals who neglect what is noblest in ourselves in a vain show, only because we look around ourselves for what can be found only within us....Written in the world of the living."-Petrarch
::: posted by Jen at 2:04 PM
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