Monday, March 18, 2002 :::
Lonely tonight. Then Sarah forced me into a chat room with her & Nicole. Too much. Sarge-you are SO in for it when I see you next. I hear voices in my head-the little lectures of angels & devils on either side of helping me clear the fog in my head. As if my voice isnt enough. But I've decided that I'm overly analytical-so I think about all sides to all things -but I'm also an optomist, so I like to believe in the most positive happy outcome. Does that make me naive? If it does-I dont care-bc thats a decision that I am making. Some people are just worth that to me.And some others might never understand why. Does it make me blind to what peoples real motives are? I dont think so, & I sincerely hope not. I'd like to think I'm smarter then that. I've just been hurt a lot before, I'm just thinking too much tonight. Now I know why so many Kings & Queens back in the day went mad. I think its the castle life that does it to you. Am I not allowed to feel this way? Is it so wrong to miss the familiar & the comfortable life I will return to? Whatever, somewhere along the line I think I forgot that I'm better then this shit & that my opinion is the only one that matters. But sometimes it would just be nice to have someone around who KNOWS me-not just the idea of myself I portray sometimes, because Im more then that. And I'm more then sex, & more then a good joke, & more then you reading this probably think. I'm wonderfly complex-so complex I'm simple. I'm one of the most simple people I know-& I think thats what makes me so complicated sometimes. Just dont try to psycoanalyse me-bc I do it enough myself. Period. I am in control. Exclamation point.
::: posted by Jen at 6:54 PM
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