Sunday, June 30, 2002 :::
 

To quote Steven Tyler: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack in the saddle agaaaiin. I've been crazy lately. I dont know what has been up with me. I've been acting like an overly emotional nutbag. Maybe I've been PMSing, but I think it's just been a transitional thing, coming back from such a life altering experiance and trying to blend everything I learned & everything I saw into the person I was before I left while trying to relate the experiance to the people I love. It's been really hard for me, just jumping back into the boston scene while feeling so many strong emotions for so many things & people. I've been feeling in ways I never knew I would about people I never expected to care for even half as much as I do. And my heart is tired from trying to figure things out, things which shouldnt even be attempted. But, the 1st summer session is almost all over- Tuesday is the last day! Then its just a month & a half till I'm in Chi-town, & then LA. I can't wait to go to LA. It just feels like home to me, and I could use a bit'o that feeling. I'm happy though. I've been goin out a lot, meeting lots of new people, & really just livin life as it comes to me. I live & love with both hands, & sometimes my feet. Sure, things may get messy sometimes, but anyother way just wouldnt be half as fun!
Love to you all!
~Jen
P.S.
I promise to write more often! Sorry! Quit complaining- All of you!

::: posted by Jen at 11:30 PM

Friday, June 28, 2002 :::
 

I can't find my faveorite book I've re-read about 5 times now & highlighted, etc. Its either packed somewhere in the depths of all my shiot, or I remember lending it to someone, & I'm not sure if I ever got it back...this makes me sad. I love this book & wanted to re-read it again-. I guess I'll have to buy a new copy eventually, whenever I have the 10bucks to spare, which I dont right now. Oh, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower"- how I miss you so.....

::: posted by Jen at 6:24 PM

Thursday, June 27, 2002 :::
 

I've been alone a lot lately, just me & my computer & my TV. I try to make plans, always fall through. I'm in a funk. When I'm alone too long I get kinda depressed, so I dont know. I dont know what to do. I'm working over 50 hours a week for crap money, I've got a sprained wrist (or something). I just need something in my life to make me happy right now without me having to work for it. Something simple & happy. Or someone. Im looking foreward to goin to see the new house & going to LA in Aug., but thats about 2 months from now. But Nikki will be in town next week- so that shoud definatly be fun! I just wish I could do what I know I need to do to make things ok with myself.

::: posted by Jen at 8:52 PM

Wednesday, June 26, 2002 :::
 

I've found that if you don't expect anything from/of anyone, you won't get dissapointed.

::: posted by Jen at 2:29 AM

Saturday, June 22, 2002 :::
 

Well, I don't have much to say except that I don't really want to go to work tonight, but I've got tomorrow off-YAY! I'm probably just gonna read a book for class & lay out in the common & get a tan if the weather permits, because I am white as a freakin ghost. I end up waiting for a lot of things in life...I was waiting to go to college, waiting to go home, waiting to go to europe, waiting to come back, now I'm waiting for Aug. but waiting for things/people isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm really excited about driving cross country with Miles, I think it's going to be awesome. And, I've decided that I'm having THE college experiance. Sorority life, traveling, cross-country road trip....these are the days I will tell my children about and see in their eyes the hope that they will one day get the chance to experiance things even greater then their mother did. {Sidenote: my kids are gonna be HOT}-
Did I ever post here that I cut my own hair about a week ago? Just a few inches, most people dont see me often enough to really notice, but I did a good job & its cute. I just got bored with it & needed a change. It was too long.
I can't wait to get my tattoo either, I'm gonna wait till I go to LA & Miles & I are going to get them at the same time. My mom's all like "NOOOOO" but she'll get over it.
I dont know what to do with some people in my life. Maybe I'll try what my mom always threatened with me when I was little & give them back to the Indians. Although I never was quite sure what that meant. But I think I know what I have to do, which is just so hard because I don't know if I have the heart to do it.
"You keep me coming back for more. There's a lot that I could say."
"Has it been taken? Is my heart breakin? Empty."

::: posted by Jen at 4:59 PM

 

Tonight was the 1st good night of the week. Went to a par-tay out at Katie McG's & Lil' Adam's apt, grav'd & got wicked fucked. I'm just drained. Emotionally drained. I have nothing to give anyone right now. Nothing I can give. Nothing. Issues are on their way to beling resolved I think. I don't know though. Some issues just linger on the brain. I haven't been going out much because I'm usually so tired when I get home that I dont feel like going anywhere, or I dont have the $ to get there. I'm stoned & tired & stuff. I should go to sleep.
'night all.

::: posted by Jen at 3:30 AM

Thursday, June 20, 2002 :::
 

So today (or yesterday rather) was a frustrating & wierd day. I felt like I was not quite awake all day, like I was walking around in one of those dreams where you know in the dream that you're just dreaming. If that makes any sense.I made a hard but what I feel to be correct decision today about some issues in my life & all will work out in time. Tomorrow I'm going late to class because I'm going with Allie to observe a class of deaf children she teaches for a "field trip" assignment. Boyfriend was in town, we drove around for almost 2 hours-completly lost-but only like 15min from the city. We had no idea where we were. It was the most fun I've had in ages! I just looked at a friends website from the castle. I'm kinda castlesick now. I wasnt before at all, because my heart was in Boston. But now my heart is kinda all over the place, so I don't know if I'm coming or going half of the time. I'm just going through the motions. Get up, go to class, walk back, log videos, come back sit online, watch TV, go to bed, sleep, get up, scoop ice cream....the only thing I really enjoy is my internship. I really love casting & am excited about my future in the field-its the first reliable & steady, yet fun thing I've ever wanted to do in my life. I'm anxious to be an adult. And every time I freakin see that Evian water commercial I want to reach into that TV & grab out one of the babies & keep it & raise it as my own. Those are the cutest things I have ever seen, I dont care if theyre digital. I WANT ONE. I've been in this maternal stage for way too long now.
"I want a bump, I want a bump of...Daddy, I want a bump of K now!...now!...now!"
RIDE THE RYTHM!!!!
Quote of 2000 & forever: "Thats like giving someone a lollypop & leaving the wrapper on!"-LIL John- partyin it up Rev'rend Style!
*Love to you all*
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 1:50 AM

Monday, June 17, 2002 :::
 

Wow, It's been a while. A week, & thats a while for me. I guess I don't have as much free time as I did when I was living in a castle eating figs & dates. Times are craaazaay! I started Ben & Jerry's-all the ice cream I can eat while I work= a bad, bad thing. So I'm beginning to get in shape again. Cutting out the sweets & exercizing again. I figure I lost a lot of weight the summer before my junior year of high school, & this is the summer before my junior year of college, so it's about that time. My internship ROCKS. On my first day I cast a Mighty Mighty Bostones music video & a Dunkin Donuts commercial. I'm the only intern that really wants to go into casting as a carrear so they give me special projects & I really really love it. I'm just working my bootay off to make money & get out of debt & buy a plane ticket to LA. Blargh. I'm just really worn out at the end of the day & don't have the energy or funds to do much else. I'm looking foreward to next Sunday-my 1st day off in 2 weeks-WHOHOO! I know I shouldn't complain because my bestest buddy is working herself to the ground this summer, so I count my blessings. *Love you Sarah* My computer is busted. It's a sick baby boy. I need to defrag it, but everytime I try the damn thing freezes or malfunctions or blows up, I dunno. So, I'm gonna have to wait till I have some free time to sit & watch it & make sure it behaves. I can't even watch my DVD's on it because I don't have enough free memory to run it! I couldnt watch Moulin Rouge! BUT: ~Love to everyone who reads this little thing of mine~ I'm goin to sleep...long day tomorrow. Wish me luck. "It was so easy in the beginning. When you didn't feel like running from your feelings. Like you are now. What happened? What do I remind you of? Your past? Your dreams? Or some part of yourself that you just can't love?"-MADONNA

::: posted by Jen at 1:34 AM

Monday, June 10, 2002 :::
 

I've gotten complaints (ok, one)- that I haven't written enough lately. I think thats a good thing, that I'm not sitting here writing all the time, that I'm getting out & having a life again, but I must keep the masses happy. My mom was in town, now shes gone, so I've got to really start working this week. For real. 7days a week. I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and watch my Moulin Rouge DVD and be girly & cry and release all the emotion I've got locked up right now. Its been an emotional weekend I think. Things are never as simple in reality as they are in conception. Quality cuddle time. "Do we have a turtle?"
I feel a poem comin on, so I'll probably be updating again soon. "...so kiss me hard 'cause this will be the last time that I let you."
I miss Sarah & Miles :(

::: posted by Jen at 6:21 PM

Tuesday, June 04, 2002 :::
 

"You and I got something
But it's all and then it's nothing to me
And I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions for me
And we wake up in the breakdown
Of the things we never thought we could be

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all


And I want to get free talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone

I have no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all



And I don't need the fallout of all the past
That's here between us
And I'm not holding on"

"I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees

Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?"

And now a line from Moonstruck which I've never seen the whole thing of:
-Someday, you'll realize that this is for the best.
-Someday you'll drop dead and I'll go to your funeral in a red dress.
HA-gotta love it.

::: posted by Jen at 5:12 PM

Monday, June 03, 2002 :::
 

"And just like the Movies, we play out our last scene. I won't cry. You won't scream."
I'm just chillin out. I've been waiting to start my 2nd job & my internship until after my mom leaves (she'll be here for alumni weekend from Wed.-Mon. which means I'm getting my clothes & my laptop back!! JOY!) So yeah, I've just been sleeping & staying up late, watching TV, going online when the computer gods permit, & thinking too much. I haven't seen that much of my castle buddies lately because we've all been busy getting our lives back on track from where we left off which is understandable, but sad all the same. I think I'll see more of them once things settle down & get back to as normal as they ever were. Until then, I'm just here. Just me. I've got my moments. I think I haven't written enough lately. I was just talking to an old friend-my best friend from 6th-12th grade actually. We don't talk much anymore because times & people change, & I'm not having the best day for neumerous reasons, but the convo went a bit like this:
Me: "I'll be fine, I always am" Her: "Yeah, you are. But I bet it gets old. It was old 4 years ago. It was old in the 8th grade." and shes right. I've gone through some shiznit. There's been worse times & there's been better, but no matter what I know I'll be ok. Life's just a bitch sometimes, but I've got good friends who care about me more then they should. I'm stuck thinking back to last summer & how horrible it was. How I almost didn't come back to Emerson, was on the outs with some amazing people, was confused & just plain didnt know who I was or what I wanted from life. Not to say I've been given a divine gift & know the answers to all of lifes little tricks, but I did learn a great amount about myself last summer, & I'm afraid I've forgotten it, or at least just pushed it to the back of my mind. And thats a shame, because I learned about my worth and what I will & will not stand for as a person. The truth is, I'm worth a lot more then the crap I accept from people, & I'm a lot smarter then I sometimes present myself to be. I learned that I both need people & dont need people. (Sidenote: new conclusion: I dont need a man to have children. I know thats a big DUH- it's seen on TV a lot Women having babies on their own, but I never thought about it for myself before. If the time comes when I want to have a child & I'm not married or anything, I can & will do it on my own. Because I can.)- So thats that. I wrote a bad poem last week I think I may post at some point Just for emotional release. Other then that I'm just in Boston. Being.
And an Ex of mine just IMed me to tell me hes going to be in school in RI in 2 weeks. Riiiight. *note to self: theres a reason hes an ex*

::: posted by Jen at 8:56 PM

Sunday, June 02, 2002 :::
 

This summer:
2 Jobs (Emerson Channel & Ben & Jerry's)
+1 Internship (Boston Casting)
+2 Awesometastic Roomates =
ONE CRAZY SUMMER
"I dreamed you, I saw your face. Cut my lifeline when drifting through space. I saw an angel. I saw my fate. I can only thank God it was not too late. Over mountains I floated away. 'Cross an ocean I dreamed your name. I followed an angel down through the gates, I can only thank God it was not too late. Sing a little song of loneliness. Sing one to make me smile. Another round for everyone, I'm here for a little while. Now I'm walking this street on my own. But you're with me everywhere I go. Yeah I found an angel. I found my place. I can only thank God it was not too late. I can only thank God it was not too late."

::: posted by Jen at 6:47 PM