Sunday, April 28, 2002 :::
OMG BEST SONG EVER:
Tenacious D-gotta love it.
If you haven't ever heard this song, you MUST download it. Its even better put to music!
"You don't always have to fuck her hard, in fact sometimes that's not right. Sometimes you got to make some love, and fuckin' give her some smoochies too. Sometimes you got to squeeze. Sometimes you got to say please. Sometimes you got to say
Hey! I'm gonna fuck you softly. I'm gonna screw you gently. I'm gonna hump you sweetly. I'm gonna ball you discreetly!
And then you'll say hey I brought you flowers. And then you'll say wait a minute. I think I got something in my teeth, could you get it out for me? That's fucking teamwork!
What's your favorite posish? That's cool with me it's not my favorite but I'll do it for you. What's your favorite dish? I'm not gonna cook it but I'll order it from Zanzibar! And then I'm gonna love you completely, and then I'll fucking fuck you discreetly, and then I'll fucking bone you completely. But then I'm gonna fuck you hard! Hard!"
::: posted by Jen at 7:56 PM
Friday, April 26, 2002 :::
On the day I went away, goodbye was all I had to say. Now I want to come again and stay. 'Cause I've seen blue skies through the tears in my eyes. And I realize I'm going home. I'm going home. Everywhere, it's been the same feeling, like I'm outside in the rain, wheeling. Free to try and find a game. Dealing cards for sorrow, cards for pain.
'Cause I've seen blue skies through the tears in my eyes. And I realize I'm going home. I'm going home. I'm going home. I'm going home.
~Rocky Horror Picture Show~
::: posted by Jen at 2:27 PM
Thursday, April 25, 2002 :::
So today was the last day of classes. I am officially a junior now. wow. Wierd. We had an open acting class today so people got to come in & watch our scenes-which felt rewarding. It was just sad to leave that class, our prof. is an awesome awesome woman. But I'm feeling stressed out about the 2 finals I have & the packing I have to finish-its at the stage where its too early to really start packing things that I might need, but I really need to continue the process. And-I have about 3million things I need to do when I get back to Boston (apply for classes, get a new ID Card, get a job). I just can't wait to get back & continue with life. 6 Days. WOW. WOW. WOW. "Why cant I get just one kiss? Why can't I get just one kiss? Must be somethin' that I missed..cause I look at your face & I, I need a kiss. Why can't I get just one fuck? Why can't I get just one fuck? Must have somethin to do with luck...cause I've been waiting all my life & I, I need a fuck. Daaaaaay after daaaay...."-VIOLENT FEMMES-bring all of their equipment on the bus. And you cannot fuck with the Violent Femmes. You cannot fuck with this band. Vinkin' it tonight with the other 78 Castle Dwellers. I'll report back later when I'm good & schloshed.
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 2:24 PM
Tuesday, April 23, 2002 :::
I went to bed at around 5:30am. I wasnt tired I guess. I think I'm a wanna-be insomniac, but I settle for just being a wanna-be vampire-out all night sucking the life out of myself & others only to sleep in the sun until noon, or later, depending on when classes are. But last night I was talking to my brother online- he emailed me the first part of his memoirs he's in the process of completing. It was really interesting in a way I cant explain to be able to read a pre-qual to my own autobiography. It moved me to tears. I also found out, through him, that my grandmother is moving to Arizona when my mom moves to Chicago. My unle & aunt live in Arizona & my aunts parents are in an assisted living facility there, & since my uncle's paying, she has no choise. Im so scared that I'm not going to see her before she passes away. Shes the only person that has ever been truely GOOD to me my entire life. I miss my nana, I'm gonna write her a letter & see if my mom & I can go visit her over my x-mas break. We'll see I suppose. It's just upsetting. I'm obstaining from the "Castle Olyimpics"-a spirit week esq thing of games, etc. Not because I'm "too cool" or even too busy to participate, but because I'm not here anymore. I am 100% removed from what are my last days in the castle. I was sitting watching a movie last night & I swear there was someone sitting next to me who I know is thousands of miles away. It's just 9 days now. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning.
::: posted by Jen at 12:53 PM
Monday, April 22, 2002 :::
"And I think it's gonna be a long, long time till touchdown brings me 'round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at all. Oh nonono. I'm a rocket man." I am a rocket man. "Well you know the way I left was not the way I planned; But I thought the world needed love and a steady hand."
My time here is coming to a quick close. It seems like just yesterday the busses pulled up to the castle for the 1st time and we all emmerged with wonder, mystery & excitement in our eyes, questioning what was to be. But now all the sites have been seen, countries explored, ,journies & pictures taken, and we await our flight home with a certain sad willingness-Sad to leave but greatful to have had the experiance in & of itself & we're all greatly looking foreward to seeing our friends & family (& friends that are more like family) once again. I feel as though I have so many stories to share, yet no words to really explain the things I've seen, people I've encountered or even the friendships I have built in my time at the castle, but I look foreward to trying. You all know I am rarely at a loss for words. I've really grown into myself here-as the quiet observer of socail situations & making up for that by being the loud vibrant friend who gives good advice & can be counted on for a euro here or there,bum a smoke etc, or just to be there to rub a back, hold back hair, or be a shoulder to cry on. I've tried to be a "sponge" as my favorite novel, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," boasts.
I've done the "When in Rome.." to the fullest extent of its literal & figurative limitations & have truely discovered that, as clishe as it may be, "Home is where the heart is" & "Theres no place like home"-& right now, my heart & my home are in Boston. My family is moving to Chi-town in a week or so, so with that, I'm not sure when I will be in FL again-& thats wierd, being born & raised there. My friends in sunny F-L-A, you ALWAYS have a place to stay in beantown & I cherish everything that we have been to eachother since high school (centuries ago, eh?), whether I tell you enough or not. But, I figure, "the world needs love & a steady hand," thus, it is my time to move on once again. As Billy Joel puts it well, "Life is a series of hello's & goodbyes. I'm afraid its time for goodbye again." At every goodbye there is just another hello waiting around the corner. In my case, around the customs corner after a 6hr flight (ba-dum-bum chig!). But seriously folks, I am a happy person. Some where in my wicked childhood I MUST have done something good. I believe that life rewards you for taking chances & coming to europe was a big chance for me-a chance to explore & grow & also a chance with uncertainty-4 months of uncertainty with people & issues left behind, troubles i might encounter & things I might discover about myself. I have taken on this chance & conquered it barely breaking a neuroticly-over-analytical sweat.
Goodnight & Love to you,
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 8:40 PM
Today is perfect. Its warm & sunny here at the Castle. I had two classes already today & just took a walk into town to go to the market. Everyone is outside riding bikes (people from ages 2-100 ride bikes here). Lots of people with dogs & baby's etc. It's just a perfect day. 10days left here until I return to the good ole U-S-of-A.Wow. Time sure flies.
Love & Epherial Giddyness to you all,
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 11:10 AM
Saturday, April 20, 2002 :::
In the Netherlands, everyday is 4/20, but today was stil special to us. I got up early to go get my hair done in Bergen w/LJ. Turned out really really nice suprisingly, bc I was scared of what the outcome would be-BUTmy hair is pretty much its natural color, but with honey blond highlights all over it & its really soft too! They did however, use those old fashioned caps they pull your hair through which hurt SO BAD...its like someone tweasing your hairs out of your head, or a really long wax...even worse with long, thick hair like mine. But, beauty is pain i suppose. After that, LJ & I had planned to go to Amsterdam, but we decided that we had disserved chinese for a late lunch, so we hopped on the bus & went to Nijmegan (the next big city over from Bergen) & found a coffee shop! Came back to the castle, smoked for 4:20 on 4/20 for Boston at 10:20 our time, & just got back from smoking at 4:20 LA time which is 1:20am for me. Also: best quote of the night award goes to: Chris O.: "You must open your eyes & look at the world as though it is your dream."
Song of the day that we actually heard while we were smoking "I was gonna clean my room but then I got high, I was gonna get up & find the broom, but then I got high. My room is still messed up & I know why..yeah yeah because I got high because I got high because I got high" & its funny because I meant to do that today & it just didnt happen. Its funny cause its true! & on a final note: LJ & I contemplated having sex with random guys because we NEED it. We really didnt even talk to them, but after we left the coffee shop it was like "DAMN-" Excpet LJ has a FAB boyfriend & were not those types of girls.
IF U WANT MY BODY & U THINK IM SEXY COME ON SUGAR LET ME KNOW.......song....in..head..dont...know...why...
PO & love to you all
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 8:02 PM
Friday, April 19, 2002 :::
HAPPY 4/20 EVERYONE!!!!! MY ASS IS IN A-'DAM FOR THE DAY WHOO HOOO. I'm fixin to get myself all stupid & shit.
PS: 12 Days & Counting.
"And I've finally found that everybody loves to love you when you're far away."
::: posted by Jen at 6:42 PM
"they say goldfish have no memory
i guess their lives are much like mine
the little plastic castle
is a surprise every time
it's hard to say if they are happy
but they don't seem much to mind
from the shape of your shaved head
i recognized your silhoutte
as you walked out of the sun and sat down
and the sight of your sleepy smile eclipsed all the other people
as they paused to snear at the two from out of town
and i said "look at you this morning
you are by far the cutest
but be careful getting coffee
i think these people wanna shoot us
people talk about my image
like i come in two dimensions
like lipstick is a sign of my declining mind
like what i happen to be wearing the day
that someone takes my picture
is my new statement for all of womankind
i wish they could see us now
in leather bras and rubber shorts
like some ridiculous team uniform
for some ridiculous new sport
quick someone call the girl police
and file a report
in a coffee shop in a city
which is every coffee shop
in every city
on a day which is every day"
"i am walking
out in the rain
and i am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again
and i am getting
nowhere with you
and i can't let it go
and i can't get through...
the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door
on the first floor
she's listening through the air shaft
to see how long our swan song can last
and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
i am writing
graffiti on your body
i am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
i am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
i am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands
in each other's shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
and i'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and when we leave the landlord will come
and paint over it all
and i am walking
out in the rain
and i am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and i am getting nowhere with you
and i can't let it go
and i can't get through
so now use both hands
please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
i am writing graffiti on your body
i am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
how hard we tried"
That was a little Ani DeFranco. I NEVER liked her before but I'm just starting to really appreciate her lyrics/style, etc.
::: posted by Jen at 1:36 PM
Thursday, April 18, 2002 :::
"my heart is going to explode in my body & just dissolve into the rest of me"- part of my convo. with my SDL about what will be going on May 2nd. Love to everyone. So much love. "Wait, so ur just gonna steal my boy as soon as u get off the plane?" -SDL "No, I'm gonna steal his girl 1st"-Me. "Wait then thats how many days till I get some? Ok then." SARAH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH U HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA, you help me to realize the person I am truely inside- by forcing me to really listen to what I say & think about what both myself & others mean by their actions. I dont know what I would do without you.
Miles: You are still my rock. I miss my rock.
::: posted by Jen at 7:09 PM
Wednesday, April 17, 2002 :::
Walking back from the Vink tonight I couldnt help but become enveloped in the fog that had setteled onto the tiny town of Well. The thick air seemed to create a glowing halo around "the bench" from the nearby lamp post & also made a romantic drift hovering around the castle itself. The past two nights at the Vink everyones sexual frustration seemed to become outragiously apparent. On another note: I GOT MY BELLYBUTTON PIERCED TODAY. So randomly. It seems every weekend for the past month I've said "im getting my bellybutton pierced" but it never actually happens, & today my friend Missy was like "I want to get my septum pierced, want to come with me to Venlo?" & since I didn't have class till 4:30, I went along. The place we went was THE cleanest place I've ever seen. The guy who pierced us was SO throughough-he spent probably 20min explaining how they steralize everything-it was amazing. Mine didnt hurt at all-didnt even get red. Its perfect. I have a new toy to play with!!! (once it heals completly of course.) YAY!
"Oh, my Love, I came to you with best intentions. You lay down, and give to me just what I'm seeking. Say, Love, you drive me to distractions."
Come what May.
May 2nd.
4pm.
Logan Airport.
BE THERE!
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 6:37 PM
Monday, April 15, 2002 :::
Today durring one of the 15min breaks from classes we get, a group of oh....20 of us gathered to watch part of the Marathon on the BBC. We were all practically in tears, squealing with excitement at the sight of Boston, "Oh my god! They're on Comm. Ave!" "Thats Kenmore! So many of my friends live there!" "Oooooh BOSTON!!" It was really rediculous. So on that note: 16 days & counting till im home in bean town again! May2nd 4pm. logan airport, BE THERE!
I miss so many of you so much you have no idea.
Sarah, my SDL, sister & best friend, I miss your laugh more then anything
Miles-comfort buddy ;) & best buddy who sucks at the whole email thing. I miss your dumb ass so much. Shutthefuckup. I cant wait to use our hot zippos together again!
I Love you both
World: these are my 2 best friends. I apologize if they happen to make you NAUSIOUS with their RETARDEDNESS for eachother....
Nikki I cant wait to see you again! It's going to be F-U-B!
John-Our apt-I think we need to inform Better Homes & Gardens that theres a gonna be a hot new pad in Boston next year...im thinking front page & massive photo spread!
There's someones skin I miss the taste of.
::: posted by Jen at 9:25 PM
Some will fall in love with life and drink it from a fountain that is pourin like an avalanche comin down the mountain
::: posted by Jen at 9:06 PM
Cosmo Magazine: a Girl's Best Friend:
Sex Moves He'll Never Forget: 1.) She whispered"I want to sink my teeth into you," and nibbled my shoulder. (so cute) 2.) A date reached between my legs and asked, "Is that for me?" -HAHA...3.)She would wake me up by going down on me. (Not a bad wake-up call I'd say). 4.)She initiated 69. (Hell yes). 5.)She would always say that there wasn't anyplace she'd rather be. 6.)We did it on a swing. (sounds difficult, but fun!) 7.)She suprised me once by blindfolding me and making me take off my clothes, then just touched me for 20minutes until she finally went down on me. (must try). 8.)Lots of eye contact 9.)She said "Not to be crude, but you have a truely awesome penis. 10.)She said "I might die if you don't have sex with me right now!"
There are 75 but those are just some that I loved
Also in this issue:
Things to Never Apologize For:
-Openly ogling men.-Splurging on Jewlery.-Watching shows like Temptation Island & loving every minute of it!-Scoring free samples.-Putting out on the 1st date. (as long as you're safe, sober, & adult).-Being brutally honest.-Abandoning your razor for a week..(or 2 or 3...)-Writing off a guy.-Letting your alter ego run rampant.-Having a crush (whether you're in a reltionship or not).-Carrying condoms.-Owning a vibrator.-Standing up to your family.-Getting What You Want In Bed.-Enjoying Porn.-Taking up space.-Digging Domesticity!-Wearing Granny Panties.
I LOVE COSMO! ;o}
::: posted by Jen at 7:28 PM
Over the required excursion to Munich I also visited the first concentration camp ever built: Dachau.I was in tears the entire day, and I am still processing the entire thing.
But I did write a new poem/stream of councious thing, its not titled as of yet & I'm not sure if its done or not either:
I smoke because it goes with my style. Makes a good accessory to any outfit. Like my nose ring. A hard blank statement of "dont fuck with me"-ness. And I think it's because I've been fucked with enough. Pushed around by my heart strings and led around by my umbilical cord. The Marlbourough Man screams, "I'll burn you, fucker!" Just because I don't speak your native tongue doesn't mean I couldn't kick your ass if you look at me the wrong way or slyly whisper "How YOU Doin?!" in my unwilling virgin ears...even though they've heard much worse from men who are much more deadly. At least with "How YOU Doin?!" you know what they mean and what they want. Because declorations of my unwavering beauty and strength don't mean shit if you're a shallow hole of a man-boy. At least "How YOU Doin?!" is the truth. Unlike materiail gifts to buy my love. I'm not that easy. Don't get me anything unless it's a big chain of the truth, and even then, I just want a picture of you with it hanging around your neck. You- subjective you. You in general. You as a populace. My nails and my gut are growing out, throw me the file, quick! I need to make another notch in my belt of hard knocks before the beauty of my surroundings sets in and I become no more then just another pretty statue.
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 11:59 AM
Hmm, been a while, things here have been crazy. Travel break started with a group excursion to Munich. I personally didn't know what to expect in that city, but I had an amazing time there. Emerson took over this enourmous beer place called the Hoffbraugh House, crazyness ensued. Then the next night I went out with Jen W., Brad, LJ & Drew to a local bar & ended up playing the best game of "AssHole" in my life. We started asking really indepth questions such as "Go around & say one thing you like about each person at the table" "Say one way you've changed at the castle" "Explain the scariest moment in your life" etc. By the end of the night we had all cried, & I dont cry. I've had an issue with that lately, so it was amazing to get out a lot of emotion I had been holding back for whatever reason. Brad bought a red rose for his girl Jen W. & white roses for me & LJ. It was really a fabulous night. Even the days in Munich were fab. Lots of museams & squares & GREAT SUSHIIIIIIII I LOVE SUSHI! I'd missed it sooo much.
Then I left Munich with Christine to go to Rome. Our friend Heather joined us the next day (shes in Art II so had an extra day of required things in Munich). Rome was astounding-toured the Collesuim, ancient ruins, fountains, etc. Was in Rome for 3 days, then left for Florence-the weather was shit there. It was in Florence I discovered I really am a very different traveler than the girls I was with. They liked to get up early & look at churches all day. Personally I've had my fill of churches for a lifetime, and after seeing the Sistine Chapel & The Notre Damn, nothing could ever compare, so I went off on my own a lot, which was actually really nice.
I was only in Venice one day, but I swear it is the most beautiful city I have ever seen-I want to go back-there's just a romantic beautiful ambiance surrounding the canals & tiny side streets. I bought a lot this trip: leather racing jacket (black with red & tan racing stripes down the front & sleeves), leather purse, some gifts, a mask, a ring, posters, etc. I'm going to have one well decorated APT-YES, I said APARTMENT -John & I are getting a place! We're going to start looking when I get back to Boston in...um...16 days!!! With taste like John's & class like mine, our apartment is going to be HOT-I cannot wait. I smell a FAB-u-lous housewarming party comin' on...& mb even a New Years soiree, you neva know.
I can't believe my time here is almost through, I've definatly taken another step in my transformation to the woman I will become, mentally at least. Physically, dont expect a big change when you see me. My hair's longer, I've got a new nose ring, & thats about it besides some new european clothes & jewlery. I may have a new piercing when I return but I'm waiting to get my tattoo till I get back to the US.
I traveled back from Venice by myself and couldnt get a sleeping car for the overnight train, so I was in a seat-car with 3 very very nice men in their 30's-40's approx. One was German but living in the states, another was born in the UK but Italian & living in Italy, & the last was half Italian & half Pakistan. The latter of the 3 & I discussed politics in Jenin for a while. He actually lives just outside of Jenin & he left for buisness the day before they closed the border. His wife & children are still there- it was just a very educational train ride.
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 7:12 AM
Wednesday, April 03, 2002 :::
I am frustrated with life & all of its uncertainties today.
Last weekend my mom was here-nuff said.
We went to Bruge-there had been an anarchy rally earlier that day & there was a banner up saying "Star of David=USA=Swatstika=USA=Star of David=USA=Swastika"
It was really upsetting, considering I am both American & Jewish.
Then went to Amsterdam, got high, went to another Live Sex show-this one w/men & women. Lots of sex that I'm not having. AWESOME. GOOD FOR THEM. right-
Frustration.
On the alternate list for summer conference & I refuse to spend the summer in Chicago b/c either my mom or I will not make it through. It would suck being in a town where I know NO ONE, even though Chi-town is phat.
I wish I was european or british. The europeans just have such a rich culture & by comparison americans are just so bland. But it is cool that our people came to america for religious freedom.
I'm just sick of uncertainty in my life-with people, places, mind & body, just EVERYTHING. I need one thing thats certain right now. Just one. One thing, one person-one anything. If you know of something that is escaping me, dont hold out on me. Send me an email. I leave tomorrow for travel break @ 7pm after a 6hr acting class. Make me happy. Im usually enough to get the job done but today I'm so flustered I think I need some help w/the job. I dont know the last time I felt so stressed.
"Welcome to your life. There's no turning back. Even while you sleep, we will find you acting on your best behavior, Nothing ever lasts forever. Everybody wants to rule the world."- Tears for Fears-GOOD FUCKING BAND-whatever happend to them? They rocked.
::: posted by Jen at 6:32 PM
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