Saturday, December 06, 2003 :::
14 Days people...14 days until I leave Boston, never to live in New England again. This snow storm is fucking up my weekend- I'm supposed to go edit my video tomorrow in the labs, but depending on how bad it is, the labs might be closed which totally screws me...but I shall get it done.
Also: senior send off was last night-
It's so wierd- 2 years ago I sent someone special off, last year I sent off my best friend- and those two seemed like they were yesterday & at the time my senior send off seemed forever away...if that makes anysense. But its over. It has come and gone, and I will be in L.A. so soon it boggles my mind.
I still don't know whats going on for New Years or even how I'm getting my stuff to Chicago, but I guess everything will be planned within the coming weeks.
I've got so much to do I can't really think about it- I just have to do.
Once I'm in LA I probably won't have consistent internet access until I get settled in the Oakwoods, so I'm going to try to post as much as possible until then.
Hope everyones finals go well!
Love to you all
~J
::: posted by Jen at 1:20 AM
Monday, December 01, 2003 :::
Sporked
I packed up and headed out.
Wind in my short but not too short hair
Distracted by something shiny
at the fork in the road
I took a spork.
So where am I now?
-In the middle of nothing and everything.
Social and professional
Metaphysical and physical
Blood and soul
Yet these are the ties that bond
-These family ties
With a tree so uprooted it cannot be saved,
so dehydrated its uprooted roots break the foundation
So I say- “Go into the light!”
“Head west to better things”
And I go into the light, towards better things
But what are these better things?
And what lies in their dark shadows?
And ambiguity killed the cat.
Stuck in the shady area
no girl should be alone at this time
Stuck in neutral
Rusted steel falls apart on the outside,
and I merely hang on.
Loosing bits of myself inside to retain my polished finish.
Hoping to one day gather up myself
and put together the glossy image I see when I close my eyes at night.
Hell,
My momma was a starfish
My daddy was a lizard
And I am me
With neither ability to reproduce
Nor ability to regroup
I am just me
In the spork of life.
::: posted by Jen at 7:53 PM
Well Thanksgiving has come and gone...just another holiday in the past.
I think I ate my weight in pie. I've got a lot to be thankfull for, but mostly, I need to be thankfull of myself. Because if there's one thing I learned this thanksgiving its that the only person you can count on in this life is yourself.
I was let down by a few people recently- people that I respected and held in high esteem, but you should never place someone on a platform too high, because theyre bound to fall.
My best friend from home who I've known over half of my life is getting married not this summer but next summer- so thats odd. I mean, she's the girl that I played the "wedding game" with- we planned our weddings together in childhood and now the actual thing is going to happen. It was good to see her- we were kids together & now were women- it's just an interesting transition to be able to watch.
I have 18 days left in Boston until I leave to go home, which means theres 29 days till I'm in LA. 8 years of waiting have amounted to this- and I'm not sure what to expect now, all I know is there's this big blank slate in front of me with endless opportunity and I'm more worried about my friendships & family then about my career. I just need to keep reminding myself that we're born alone and we die alone, as negative as it may be. Actually, its not negative, its realistic.
I saw Love, Actually over the break- really cute movie- I liked it a lot, except there were a lot of stereotypes about Americans in it- the president of the U.S. was Billy Bob Thorton, slutty American girls were Shannon Elizabeth & Denise Richards, etc. One story like bothered me a lot : this one woman was in love with her co-worker for over 2 years & he was in love with her & it just didnt happen for them- for a few reasons that I'll leave out incase you reading this should see the movie- it was both frustraiting for me having been in similar positions throught my life- but also eye opening- you dont know whats going on in the other persons life- they may want to be with you just as badly as you want to be with them, but there's just something in the way always preventing it. But, I digress: Hot accents, Good Movie.
When I was home I shot my video project for the web that I'm VERY excited about, I think it's going to be great- I can't wait to edit it & for everyone to see it- I'll let you all know when its done & posted so you can check it out.
I need to do some writing- I keep saying that, damn.
So, I recently finished reading this book "Power, Money, Fame, Sex: A users guide"- very interesting read for anyone interested or even not interested in those things- if you want them it gives you tacktics to get them, & if you don't it educates you in what to watch out for in others actions.
Here's what I want( in this order): Become the 1st high profile casting director, publish a book of poetry, become a movie critic & get my own show, retire & have babies, publish my memoirs. Yup, I think that would be perfect.
AND: the name change should be legal within the next 2 weeks!!!
So thats about it for now, look for new writing at some point..soon...I hope.
Love to you all,
~J
::: posted by Jen at 3:10 PM
Saturday, November 08, 2003 :::
I love Jennifer White:
"There are worse things in life then going to hell."
It's a good thing I'm Jewish...
When I'm good, I'm very very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
::: posted by Jen at 12:13 AM
Friday, November 07, 2003 :::
Dreams and goals change. What was your dream when you were a kid? Maybe it was to be a ballarina but you ended up a teacher somehow along the way. Maybe you wanted to fly in space, and you now work for NASA, or maybe, just maybe you drempt of bright lights and cameras- of being an actress and along the way you found another passion- and you're on your way to L.A. to be a casting director. Well, there's no denying that last one is me- but what was your dream? And are you realizing it? Have you forgotten it or just changed it to suit your current status? Because I haven't forgotten mine- it's just wandered slightly on the path.
It seems like yesterday I was heading off for the castle- saying goodbye to lovedones, friends, and a new realtionship. Going to others senior send-offs and watching lives go on as I left. And now it's my turn. It's all happening. Everything I've been waiting for. I thought that coming to college was the start of my life, but now that I'm getting ready to leave, I know that I was wrong. L.A. is my life- I've always felt drawn there. For 8 years I've carefully been plotting my move: where I'll live, what I'll do, who my friends will be...etc. And now I realize that I really do have a great future waiting for me out there. I feel it.
As for what's going on now- I've had a busy month. Hense why I haven't had time to write here. Between classes, work, internship, judging talent competitions, building websites, changing my last name, packing, looking for internships, applying for the R.A. position, Greek Council, etc- it's been crazy!! Packing must really get started soon- & I need to write some new poetry before my head explodes!!!
Right now the things that are making me happy are:
1.) The move
2.) seeing Miles soon
3.)Lindsay Jackson
4.) Katie McGrath
5.) seeing Jen White soon
6.) the move
7.) impending girls nights in L.A. w/Megs & Nicole
8.) the boys awaiting my arrival in L.A. ;)
9.) seeing my nana over Thanx-giving
10.) seeing Jenny over Thanx-giving
11.) FINALLY changing my last name
Yeah, I think that about does it for now.
Questions, comments, concerns? You know how to reach me.
Much Love,
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 5:32 PM
Thursday, October 09, 2003 :::
I promise to write new poetry soon. That is as much a promise to myself as it is to all of you.
I just keep thinking about how quickly college has gone by. I feel like I've really had the full college experiance- and now I'm about to begin the full life experiance. While it's scary, I'm getting more confident every day about my abilities and career opportunities available to me. I've been thinking a lot about going into agent training after college if there arent any great positions available for casting, so we'll see where the journey takes me. Agents to have a lot of money & power, & those are 2 of my fave. things, however they lack the creative aspect that casting has. Yeah thats just been on my mind lately.
Also, it seems like I dont know anyone at this school anymore. Most of my good friends are in LA (with the exception of LJ, Katie & my sisters), so it's odd. I think friendships are beginning to be tested & it will be really interesting to see who I actually hang out with when I'm out there. Maybe I'm just in a paranoid mood this evening. I've starting not trusting people, which I didn't even realize until I just typed it.
I'm just lonely I guess. Not lonely for friends because even though Emerson is overrun with freshman (or so it seems)- I've still got great friends in Boston. I'm just lonely for companionship. Empty crushes abound. Empty fantasies plague me at night, & I've had trouble sleeping lately as a result- & some odd dreams too.
But yeah I think thats about it. Nothing too exciting, just working, learning, interning, checking one thing off of my To Do list at a time..still need to change my name...gonna do that at some point in the next 2 weeks...
Sidenote: It's interesting how time can make you see someone in a new light- and how fast time goes.
I think that about does it for tonight. Tune in next week as our heroine saves the day with her hotter then life partners Danny Masterson & Jon Stewart....
and now I'm delusional.
Good night
::: posted by Jen at 1:35 AM
Tuesday, October 07, 2003 :::
So I definatly saw my elementary school *love* today....went to high school with him too, havent seen him since graduation & he comes waltzing into my store tonight! I was like WTF!- Freaked out on the inside.
Got the new Rufus CD- why is he me? That's what I really want to know- I swear he always manages to write what I'm feeling, or maybe it's just that I relate to him, yeah it's probably the latter of those two. I've missed him in concert 4 times, but he will be mine, oh yes, he will be mine. & I will meet him & turn his gay ass straight.- or at least become his BFF.
"If a person should ever like a person, how funny that would be. If a person should ever like me. Not that I have that much to offer. God knows I have so much to gain...If a person should ever like a person, then a person should be free. Free to like whomever that they want to. Even though it ain't me. "
::: posted by Jen at 2:29 AM
Saturday, October 04, 2003 :::
I am now 21. An old woman, I know, I know. The pressure is off & now plans do not need to be rearranged because I can't get in somewhere. I no longer have to stress about handing someone a fake or play the "I left my I.D. at home! Oh No!"- card.
For my birthday I got the love of my brother, the pride of my mother & the respect of my friends. As well as a penis cake, Moses, & tickets to see one of my fave bands. This semester is moving along well, classes are good- I feel like I'm learning a lot but the work load isnt overbearing. I just crossed new sisters. Being the pledge master was incredibly difficult but very rewarding. I applied to be an R.A. in L.A., hopefully I'll get it. I've been having random dreams about random people lately- and I just cant wait to be in L.A. - its not much longer now...I think thats about it. Yeah I've also been deveoping random crushes on people that I know can amount to nothing considering my time here is coming to a close, but whatever. Life is good.
::: posted by Jen at 5:50 PM
Friday, September 12, 2003 :::
So I've been told a lot in my life that I should remember people when I'm famous. Allow me to elaborate: In FL, I was the person who's friends parents said that they wanted to come vacation in my mansion in LA someday. My mothers co-workers said that they would watch for me on the big screen. And this all made sense to me, since I wanted to be an actress which is a very glamorus profession that thrusts one into the public eye. However, since changing career paths to the more under-appreciated and much less public profession of casting, people still say similar things to me. My advisor told me to remember her when I'm famous because she'll be calling me for work. My boss who is the owner of a prestegious casting company in the city, told me today to remember her when I'm famous & to call her when I'm casting in Boston, etc. And it made me think. Casting is not something that one is generally famous for. So what is it about me, or anyone else for that matter, that people associate with impending fame? I ask this both actually & rhetorically. Its incredibly flattering and a great ego boost to know that others appreciate what I do & can easily visualize me being successful at it, but it's also scary- what if I don't become wildly successful? Will I be dissapointing all those people who saw something in me? Or worse, will I dissapoint myself. It's scary hearing stories from friends who have recently graduated because they all seem to be telling me the same thing, "STAY IN SCHOOL- STAY AWAY FROM THE REAL WORLD"- everyones either having a hard time finding work or adjusting to life, or both, & even though I've had a plan for as long as I can remember, I'm starting to worry about that happening to me. Although I know myself, & I know that it won't, its disheartening to hear so many people I know & care for go through such difficult times & warn me of what I am soon to experiance. But I've got a plan & a vision for my future plus the support of friends, family, & co-workers, & buckets of self confidence, so I guess thats one leg up on whatever difficulties get thrown at me in the not-so-distant future.
I'll keep you all posted on my crazy mind spasms as my last semster in Boston continues....
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 10:59 PM
Tuesday, September 09, 2003 :::
Some lessons:
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learnd that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that regardless of how hot & steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades & there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned that heros are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned that my best friend & I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when youre down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesnt give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned that just becuase someone doesnt love you the way you want them to doesnt mean they dont love you with all they have.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiances you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays youve celebrated.
I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you arent related to can take care of you & love you & teach you to trust people again. Families aren't always biological.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, theyre going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesnt stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue doesnt mean they dont love eachother. And just because they don't argue, it doesnt mean that they do.
I've learned that we dont have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned that you shouldnt be so eager to find out a secret.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who dont even know you.
::: posted by Jen at 8:23 PM
Thursday, September 04, 2003 :::
"Back to school. Back to school. To prove that I am not a fool."
Hey all,
Well, my senior year is about to begin. I'm living alone in the most amazing studio ever, & I'm super excited for classes to start. I've got a few snags to clean up - an incomplete on my transcript that I completed, & a project to turn in from last spring so I can get a grade change, other then that things are pretty much in order. I'll just be happy if I can get through the rest of my time in Boston without having to get a restraining order for some psycos I used to associate with, but if I have to, so be it. The name change process must commence soon. I'm just rockin out in my last semester. Not taking life too seriously but still working hard & working a lot. I've got classes, my job, the internship, Greek Council & my sorority to juggle this semester but it shouldnt be too overbaring. Not much else is new....I chopped off my hair. It's cute but its definatly taking some getting used to- short bob- shorter in the back longer in the front w/sharp angles & layers- very different from what I'm used to. Nothing too exciting to report, just continuing on.
Love to you all.
~Jen
P.S. I promise to make entrys more often. Call it my "back-to-school-resolution."
::: posted by Jen at 9:56 PM
Wednesday, August 13, 2003 :::
The following is an email I got today that made me smile. I guess people do actually read this. It put a smile on my face to make me know that people can relate to me & I'm actually making an impact of some sort. Keep any compliments or criticisms comin'!
Hello,
I was on a Castle Well page, and somehow, through links, I ended
up on your website, I just got back from the Castle this past May,
and my memories are still fresh in my head. Your journal is amazing,
I'm sure people must tell you that all the time, but the way you
phrase things, and exactly what you chose to write about is very
powerful. You are a great writer, and I just wanted to commend you
on your site. I also kept a journal while I was there, but it was
more like a "I did this, then i went here, then i did this..." type
of thing, but you definitely captured your emotions well, and I
think that is very difficult to do.
Great Job, I am very impressed.
::: posted by Jen at 5:40 PM
Tuesday, August 05, 2003 :::
Ok, so it's been a while, I know, & I also know that it seems every time I make an entry lately I'm saying "ok its been a while." I've just been very freakin busy- working almost every day & interning so when I have a day off I like to just relax.
Whats new: I've moved out of the ghetto for good. I'm now living in Jen White's old room, shackin up with Miss Jackson-if-you're-nasty, and I'm sooo happy. No more psycho's who destroy my personal belongings no more strangers sleeping in my living room, no more moldy boxers on the bathroom floor- just A/C, my own bathroom, drinking, smoking, CABLE TV for the 1st time in what seems like forever which means all day TLC & Discovery channel watching when I can, plus it takes me about 2 minutes to get to work. The move was stressful and most of my stuff is in storage, so I'm living like a minimalist at the moment. Just me and my computer. I was off line for a while because the wire on my battery was frayed (& has been for a while)- but it finally broke completly & I had to order a new one from the discontinued parts office at Toshiba. But now I've got it and all is as it should be. So now I'm just working & waiting for my next move into my new apt. for the fall & working on the name change- for all of you that dont know, I'm changing my last name, as soon as I find one where I see it & think "THATS IT- THATS THE ONE"- so I'm going through family names & researching other Hebrew names & I've got a list I'm thinking through, so the decision is coming along. I've got some great jazz cd's, I'm chilling out and enjoying my summer stress-free for now. Love life's kinda empty. There's been some guys interested in me lately, but I just don't want them. I know what I want when I see it, I just havent found it yet. (Except for my unrequited crush at work, but whatev.) Are there any guys out there who have their lives together- I mean have real direction, are somewhat my age, with a great sense of humor & are somewhat attractive?? If you know one, give him my number, eh? For now I'm content with girls nights & B.O.B., but everyone get's lonely sometimes, and I'm getting really sick of always being single. I think it's about my turn.
Love to you all.
~Jen
Song of the moment: Love Me or Leave Me by Nina Simone
"Say you love me, leave me let me be lonely. You won't believe me but I love you only. I'd rather be lonely then happy with somebody else. You might find the night time the right time for kissin'. Night time is my time for just reminisin'. Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else. There'll be no one unless that someone is you. I intend to be independantly blue. I want your love, don't want to borrow, have it today to give back tomorrow. Your love is my love, there's no love for nobody else."
::: posted by Jen at 1:44 AM
Thursday, June 12, 2003 :::
I prefer to sleep alone. I need my space to dream. I tend to flail. Many bed partners have been slapped unintentionally. (Some disservingly, but unintentionally.) I walk alone in the rain, don't want to share my umbrella or else I'd be half drenched. I'd rather be fully dry and walk alone. Rather be a 3rd wheel then appear in a flat pair. I'd rather be happy alone then contently coupled. My time will come, I am young yet. And I'm busy. Sure one day I'll settle down. Some buck will nab this filly. Or I'll tame myself. (I'm quite picky.) Starfish don't need a mate to procreate. Grow 'um myself, make sure they're grown right. Sure seeing other couples sometimes makes me long for what I don't have, and at night before I fall asleep the bed's often lonely, but I'm always glad to wake up alone- with a sigh of relief at my own company. Others are not to be counted on, if I love myself enough for two. Friends come and go and become preoccupied with their own lives no matter how many bonds are shared, so it is with acceptance for this inevidable parting that I love. Because how many best friends does one aquire within a lifetime? And how many last that long? No one can promise me forever and follow through, so I'd rather not hear the words and be dissapointed. I'd rather wake up alone then next to you.
"I could have been somebody else, but now I'm me this time"- Pete Yorn
::: posted by Jen at 12:10 AM
Friday, June 06, 2003 :::
Ok, so I've missed a few weeks or so. I've been busy, kiss my white ghetto ass. Here's what I've been up to: The semester ended without my Final Media Production project being done. Stress like no other. Thankfully, my best friend arrived shortly thereafter for graduation. Graduation was wierd for me- as so many of my friends were walking, it felt like it should have been me- like the speakers were talking to me but they weren't I've got another year left of my college career.- this school is going to be a different place next year.
I've also been working a hell of a lot- between Barnes & Noble, Boston Casting, & other casting gigs I manage to aquire through various resources. The most recent I've done are: The Real World (thanks Megs), The Apprenctice (The New NBC reality show w/Donald Trump), and the new David Mamet film. Also, my mom was in town for a week which made my blending of work & social life a bit more complicated, but lots of shopping was done & my 2nd stress of the summer was quelled: I now have an apartment!! (If you know anyone that wants to buy a bed or desk, let me know. ) I love my mom & she's good to me, I just need my space sometimes & I don't think she understands that I can do things for myself, or maybe its just that she's so used to doing things for me I sometimes stil let her. I just need my private time, & that's hard to get when your mom is staying with you for a week.
I read a book which every girl reading this should: The Go-Girl Guide to Your 20's. It's really great. I thought it would be kitchy, but it had some amazing information in it & it was written quite well. After reading that it inspired me to get: The Everything After College Book: Real World Advice for Surviving and Thriving on Your Own, and Smart Women Finish Rich, because once I get a job out of school, I'm planning on being VERY smart with my money, so I'm reading up on personal finance.I've been thinking a lot about my career, the fact that I even have one- and how much I love it. It's really amazing. Yay for 30% off all books! Let's see, let's see....oh! I did finally finish that media project, about 2 days ago. But it's done & its good I figured out Final Cut & I'm a pretty decent editer if I do say so myself. So on another note, one of my best friend's is leaving Boston soon, & it makes me so sad. Mrs. White, in the kitchen, with the keg. But she & her boy will be in LA (or close enough), so when I fly out for New Years Festivities, it will be a fabulous reunion. Now, I'm going to take a risk here & say something even though I'm not sure who reads this, but I'm pretty sure that the person this is about doesn't read it: There is someone I love very very much who I feel no longer needs me in their life. And I don't know what to do. So I'm just going to do nothing for now. And just continue to remind them that I love them & I'm here, and if things don't change come January (once I've made my move)- then I just might have to broach the subject with the person here mentioned.
Other then that, I get the feeling this summer is going to fly by. My brother & his new girlf. are going to be visiting me in July, and I am super excited about my new apartment & classes starting. 6 months till LA! & 4 months till I'm 21!!!!! I'd like to end with an email I recieved recently which kinda sums up where I am right now in my life. I'm a bitch- so be it.
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a "BITCH".
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a "BITCH".
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way,
they call me a "BITCH".
Being a "BITCH" means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I
live my life my way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When
I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a
"BITCH".
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being
everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I
truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I should
be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every
ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a "BITCH", so be it. I embrace the title and am
proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
...........and..........
B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
...........and..........
B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything
::: posted by Jen at 3:44 PM
Thursday, May 01, 2003 :::
Ok, time to catch everyone up. 4/20 was good times with the BRB's and some friends. I was in a stuper for a while. Convo w/my mom "Jenny, Easter is Sunday" "I know, I'm going to be out of commission all day" "Jenny, you're a pot head!"
Yeah so other then that, the semester is basically over. Tomorrow I have a final at 11:30 & then I'm done! Whoohoo. This semester has been hell, I'm just glad its about over. I get to see my best friend in 12 days- & I can't wait. We didn't get nominated for an EVVY, but Miles did for Best Dir. & Best Performance, so I'm excited. I didn't really care about getting an EVVY, I just hope Miles gets one because he disserves it like no other. Hmm, what else is new...I got a job- Back at Barnes & Noble after 3 yrs away, but I'm getting good pay & great hours so I'm excited. I just recently found out that my brother & his new girlf will be in Boston for the 4th of July. I'm super excited for the summer- I just have a good feeling about things. I'm just working on finding an apt. for the Fall. So that's that. Graduation is coming up and lots of visitors will be arriving soon! I can't wait to see my best friend! Hope all is well with all of you! ~J
::: posted by Jen at 7:06 PM
Saturday, April 19, 2003 :::
Well here's some news. I was asked if this blog could be added to a site about the Castle- where I started this little thing at. The girl said that it was "well written for a journal" LOL. Thanks. This should be interesting. I'm super proud of this blog. It's my baby. For things about my time at Castle Well, you might want to check out the Archives.
-J
::: posted by Jen at 6:07 PM
Wednesday, April 16, 2003 :::
Ok, so this crazy-ass semester is finally coming to a close. Note: I said coming to a close, not winding down. Not in the least. I've got a good chunk of work to acomplish before I can finally say that I am a senior. I finally finished my crew...three years later. And not one moment too soon because my neck & back were starting to kill from trying to read hunched over by a little light in a closet with this huge one-sided head phone on for my cues. Hmm, what else is new???...I had my advising meeting today & it actually went really well. I went in completly organized with all my courses outlined, etc. I walk in & my advisor was like "Jennifer Neustein, you have the thickest file in my drawer...I get hives when I see you coming...You're doing everything! You're so busy you give me hives!" But then she went on & we went over my majors & classes, etc & she said somethings that really made me feel good about myself- that my hard work was being acknoledged .."With the classes you're taking, you are so prepared...You have no fear of taking on full schedules...Remember me when you're in LA, I'm serious. I'm going to call you, because you are going to be so successful. You've got the drive, you've got it all together." Wow so yeah, hearing that from my college professor, advisor for 3 years- It validates me. Well, I shall post again soon. Love to you all ~J
::: posted by Jen at 11:10 AM
Wednesday, April 09, 2003 :::
Testing Testing. My posts have not been posting lately. Testing.
::: posted by Jen at 4:16 PM
Friday, March 21, 2003 :::
What I Want: I want to watch the sun set from a fishing boat in Thailand. I want to walk along the Great Wall of China and bake in the sun in Argentina. I want to explore ancient ruins of Greece and Egypt and go on a safari in Africa. Then come home to a nice little house somewhere, sit on the front porch in a porch swing , sip tea or lemonade and watch my children play in the yard while watching the sun- the same sun as seen in Thailand- set.
::: posted by Jen at 2:25 AM
Wednesday, March 19, 2003 :::
I haven't written in a while but after break I had some inspiration so I puked up this random stream-of-councious-ness-thing last night:You think you know me? You want to know me? Check this:
What Goes on In My Head: For once, I want to be loved as much as I love. But my fatal flaw is that I hold my anticipation too long. (A new realization)...After the question has been answered I'm still waiting. I know it stems from childhood. My mom always caved if I asked long enough. And I hate that I revert back to my childhood for inspiration to so many answers to todays questions. I want to let go and write about something other then my mother before I end up like my brother. I guess I really am still waiting for answers to questions that were answered long ago. I just get so caught up in my own head that I miss them, and I'm waiting for them to be repeated again. It's really just the same questions being asked to different faces.Fuck me. Love me. Love me. Love me.Fuck me. Love me. And of course the questions I ask myself that I've answerd a million times. Am I happy? What am I doing? What do I want to do? Am I doing what I want to do? Can I do everything I set out to do? My mother always says I burn the candle at both ends. My mother...again...She's embedded in the drops of wax burning my brain like the ciggarettes I tell myself every day I'm going to quit. Like the ulcer I've given myself at 20 burning inside of me. Like my heart always burning for the wrong people at the wrong time. Like my head burning for my heart to catch up and realize the answers to all my questions are there somewhere in fate, in destiny, in my own carved path I make for myself and walk with blistered feet in the heat, in new shoes, in a skirt, thighs rubbing together, waxy sweat forming mixing in some huge candle of what I am and what I believe, only to be melted into a new daily definition. Molded by the answers others feed me. Molded by the answers I feed myself. I am a harsh judge of character. I am a bitch. I am a tease. I am a prude. I am a wanna-be slut, I have trouble sleeping, I have trouble functioning without the people I love, I feel choked if I dont write, I need to get shit done, and if that means being a bitch and all of the above, so be it. I'm done catering to others. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. I want to be enough for someone else, but mostly, I just want to be enough for me to get by. Be financially independant, emotionally fulfulled. I'm trying. But some would say that I shouldnt even be trying, that I should just let things evolve.I'm not sure about all that. But I know, know, KNOW that I think too much. ~J
::: posted by Jen at 7:38 PM
Monday, March 17, 2003 :::
Spring Break was a blast. Heres a run down: Lots of House of Pies, partys, smoking, time with the boys, basketball at the Oakwoods, beach party, running in the orgasmic waves, Malibu beach, avacado everywhere, sun, peeling foreheads, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Jay Moher in his boxers, the Beauty Bar, fake I.D.'s, & lots of QT with my BFF. But now unfortunatly I'm back in Boston. I really dont want to be here but I dont have a choise. My career, my heart, my everything is either in or pulling me to LA. I love it out there. Boston is just drearey, and loaded with work which I hope subsides or at least eases up a bit after this semester is through. In 9 months I will be moving to LA. Since 9 months is a very specific amount of time I want to get a tattoo to symbolize it and a new start in my life, a rebirth if you will...so I'm researching ideas and Ive got a few in the works. It's just 9 months..but who's counting...oh, right..this chick right here. So for now I've got a lot of work to do within the next month & 1/2 before I'm a senior. This has gone by so fast, I know I'm going to be graduating before I know it. I'm anxios to continue with my life outside of Boston. I make 5 year plans. I just get anxious sometimes. LA was great. I love everyone...well actually there arent many people I do really like...but those I do like mean the world to me. I just hope they know it. ~J
::: posted by Jen at 9:09 PM
Friday, March 07, 2003 :::
IM LEAVING FOR LA!! Whoohoo!
Spring Break '03. It's gonna be wild.
::: posted by Jen at 1:32 PM
Tuesday, February 25, 2003 :::
HAPPY BELATED ONE YEAR BIRTHDAY BLOG!! 2/24!!!
I AM IN THE BESTEST MOOD. Life is chugging along. I've got a lot of work to do. But I'm happy. I've got the best friends in the world, & I get to spend Spring Break with the best of them. Including my best friend. My best friend is the best. whoohoo.
That is all.
Love to u & yours.
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 5:14 PM
Tuesday, February 18, 2003 :::
I'm sick of being online all the time. I'm bored, I'm so fucking bored with things right now. I'm just getting frustrated with my life and people in it right now. This midpoint that I'm at, stuck, its aweful. There just seems to be so many things that I wish I could say to people in my life that I cant right now for various reasons and its killing me. Some of its hurting me, some is just making me bitter and resentful. I have a few weeks to loose some weight before I go to skinnyLAland, and that's annoying me because I'm not, nor will I ever be a swimsuit model. There are some things I will just never be, and some people I will never be enough for. I dont mean to be so negative right now I just get like this when I'm stuck at home for too long and this snow day isnt helping. Maybe its the weather. But I used to be this always cheerful enthusiastic person and I've become this negative, selfdepricating, crass at best person lately. Maybe I just need some sunshine. But nothing from the outside will help, I need to make a change on the inside. A big change. I'm just not sure where to start.
::: posted by Jen at 1:15 PM
Thursday, February 13, 2003 :::
Nooooow for Jen's Yay & Boo list: Yay for my best friend being in town. Boo for stupid girls. Boo for being single on Valentines Day. Yay for a drunken night with the girls. Yay for three weeks until Spring Break. Boo for three weeks of work until & two months of work after Spring Break. Yay for a Valentines Card from my nana. Boo that the only ones I've recieved were from my mom & my nana.Boo for not seeing a lot of my peeps very often due to this busy semester. Yay for Cutters Mardi Gras party. Yay for Lincoln's birthday & the long weekend I get. Boo for possibly having an ulcer. Yay for LA giving me back my best friend for a bit.Boo for my back hurting.Yay for 9 months & counting until I move to LA. Yay for my possible blind date to come. Did I mention YAY that my best friend is in town?
::: posted by Jen at 11:20 PM
Monday, February 10, 2003 :::
Is love's bed always snow?
::: posted by Jen at 11:15 AM
Wednesday, February 05, 2003 :::
Man oh man,I have been busy as all hell lately. I got sick last week as a result of it...I guess a stomach bug is what I get for a week full of 12-14 hour days. This semester has seriously been the most stressful and loaded down with work time of my educational career. EVERY class has lots of work due, & theres not a one of um I can skip! Then there's work to go to, etc. So, needless to say, I haven't been around much. I sat down today & made a To Do list for now until Spring Break. Let's just say it wasnt pretty, so this weekend I'm gonna buckle down and pump out like 3 papers and tons more sketches for my design class.
Other then class & work, I haven't really been doing much. I'm like an old woman. By the time I get home I have no energy & no desire to do anything. Plus, I've been kinda depressed at the whole "my best friend is on the other side of the country" thing, but it's ok.
Valentines day is shaping up to be painfully uneventful. As usual. Other then that, the only thing of any importance to report is that Feb. 24th will be the one year anniversary of the creation of this blog. Jubilation to commence on that date.
That is all. ~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 6:43 PM
Monday, January 20, 2003 :::
Right so, tomorrow begins a new semester & heres what it looks like so far:
M/W- class 8:30-6
T/Th-class 9:30-11:30/
work 12-6
Fri- work 10-6
Weekends- part time job yet to be found
-crew assignment
Goals:
To achieve status of not being broke
To maintain excellent grades
To work hard so that I may play hard over spring break
To work on this turning 21 thing
::: posted by Jen at 8:40 PM
Monday, January 13, 2003 :::
Well, hey all. It's been a while, I know. The holidays have come and gone. X-mas was spent in Chicago. It was the first time I've spent X-mas out of Florida, so it was slightly odd and sad for me. But it was good to see my big bro, although besides him, my family is nuts and I miss my grandmother a lot. New Years was spent in Boston partyin' it up. Shortly after that I sent my best friend off to LA. Although I dont know what I'm going to do without him, I'm excited for the success I'm sure he will have in LA. The rest of this month has been stressful and dull with the exception of some movie nights with Erin and a suprise weekend visit from Nicole. I'm stressing about money (or rather a lack there of) and finding a job since my beloved Boston Casting seems to be jerking me around. And as much as I love being there, I need to make money. This semester is going to kick my ass. I've got a tuff sched. and tuff classes to boot. Besides school work I will be *hopefully* working my butt off at wherever I end up working. I've started up my old workout in hopes of bettering myself & treating my body better, so we'll see how that goes. So far the "I'm depressed and have no money to buy food diet" seems to be going ok. All in all I'm sick of Boston itself. It's frigid and gray and miserable. But I know this semester will fly by, I actually recieved a sign of that today when I noticed that Emerson is already charging me my comencement fee ( once you reach a certain credit level they just tack that on)- but none the less, it's comin up. I can't wait for Spring Break- to be in LA - WARM weather with all my friends. But for now life is what it is, & I've just gotta chug along.
"If u gotta big d**k lemme search it, find out how hard I gotta work it"
~J
::: posted by Jen at 11:49 PM
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