Sunday, September 29, 2002 :::
 

Wow- so a lot has changed since Iast wrote. I feel so good. I feel so mentally healthy and strong- I forgot what I will not take from people & Ive rememberd. I FEEL SO GREAT- Ack. The movie is chugging along & Im really excited about it all. I got my 1st commercial through my internship for Akamai Technology, it shoots this coming Tuesday. My birthday is Wednesday (20!)- & Friday is the PAR-TAY. Email me or IM for details. TELL ALL UR FRIENDS-
"Waiting for a bottle of truth, I am just a lonely guy in my youth. I am just for you as you are not for me."...and thats ok. Sometimes things in life dont work out & thats ok. I've met a lot of new people lately & am spending time with new & old wonderful friends. I've got a great rock in my life that I am eternally greatful for. Ive got great friends that will stand by me no matter what- WHOO its a good year. I just miss my nana.
PS: Im getting my tattoo soon- & changing my last name to my nana's maiden name within a year.
Love to you all

::: posted by Jen at 10:23 PM

Monday, September 23, 2002 :::
 

JUST GIVE ME A BIG FUCKING WALL TO RAM MY HEAD INTO. - then write the word idiot across my face over & over & over again bc thats how I feel right now. FUCK
Fucking makeup at 10am i dont want to put that beard adhesive on : ( it itches.

::: posted by Jen at 2:16 AM

Sunday, September 22, 2002 :::
 

MMMMMMMM HOT POCKET! -I've got great friends. Thanks guys. POOOO-NEY! POOOO-NEY!

::: posted by Jen at 1:33 AM

Friday, September 20, 2002 :::
 

I feel much better then I did at my last post. I've let go. I've let go of it all- of the control- of everything & I feel pretty good & secure with the future because I think I know the course it will take. I went back to Boston Casting today & ran an audition for IBM all day. Im going in Tuesday morning for an audition that I HOPE & WISH I get- because I really need the $. Also, my birthday is coming up. Oct.2nd is the bday, Oct 4th is the par-tay!Dicks Last Resort for dinner @ 7, party @ my place at 10. Call or IM me for directions! (BYOB) I want to have sex on my birthday, I dunno, it would just be nice. :( Im also working on furnature & location for the movie I'm producing & I'm really excited about how all that is working out. I'm pretty damn good at producing if I do say so myself. Henry Winkler came & spoke the other day. He's such a doll, he was like "ooh how are you? I havent seen you in a few years! Tell your mother I say hi..." & him being a Theta I gave him the handshake. It was fab. I just feel like there's something missing- and I think its that I dont like having an empty bed. I miss having someone who's the last voice I hear ( words I read, whatever) before I fall asleep. I want someone I can just call & have come over & hang out & be silly & just lay around. Or at least someone I can call & have be there & trust.I'm almost 20. Wow. I'm SO OLD. When did this happen? Its so wierd to think of the places life leads you & the people that come in & out of your life. 5 years ago everyone I know now existed somewhere, I just didnt know them. It seems like yesterday I was a junior in highschool turning 16. It's crazy. LIFE! &I've got a special rose I've had for almost a year thats gone through storage & back twice & now is hanging on my wall- I've dropped it twice- & its barely lost a petal- wierd. Ok thats enough for now, I'm going to finish my Heineken which I wish was a Corona & go bunny. "So she won't sleep better alone. And he won't sleep better alone. No, they won't feel better alone. They took the time to reflect even as the competition is breeding every day. On top of a jealous home she feels she could connect. He was an opinionated fool, he couldnt just pretend that she was there in the next room. So she won't sleep better alone. And he won't sleep better alone. No, they won't feel better alone. No, they won't sleep better alone."-Pete Yorn
Love to you all~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 11:56 PM

Wednesday, September 18, 2002 :::
 

I'm in a lot of pain right now. I just need to have a good cry & get it out. I really don't like the person I've become in a certain aspect of my life & I've tried to take steps to right the situation but I can only do half of it- I can't do it all on my own. And I suppose this is just what usually happens, I trust someone & I get hurt. Only this is different somehow. Different in a way that has completly shattered all emotion within me and a lot of my self worth. But I refuse to allow a hell-bent heart to leave me broken. I am so much stronger then that and I've got amazing friends who love me and support me. So what if one person doesnt. You can't please everyone all of the time I guess. A version of the amazing play "Miss Julie" was on TV (one of the 3 channels we get). I studied that f*cked up play last semester & all of a sudden I found myself relating in a way I never thought - "Doesn't a man owe something to the woman he's disgraced?" Who is to blame when a man takes advantage of a woman who wants to be taken advantage of but because of a weakness the woman has developed for the man at his own design? I cant remember who wrote it. Damn.
BUT- Miles, Scott & I had a production meeting today & I'm really excited about this film- so far the crew is great everythings slowly falling into place & I'm really proud to be a part of this. It's the 1st project I've worked on in a long time and it just feels good to be useful because I've felt really useless recently. And I hate to be all down but I am- I just broke the fuck down.
But I'm going back to my casting office on Friday thank the lord. I missed that place.
Wooooooo- time time time time time.
& my roomate is playing the Counting Crows- "3,500 miles away but what would you change if you could."
I'm coming to realize a lot about myself & other people I thought were something theyre not. I thought I could go along with things I cant. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I dont want to have regrets but its really hard tonight. And now I'm just typing to clear my head- dont mind me. I'm fine & if I'm not I will be. I know that much.
Anger. Dissapointment. - all in myself and thats the worst. To be rediculous & quote myself "There is no one to blame for the aching. No warrent to issue. For the fire is in me."
St. Anthony's searching for my mind tonight. He usually pulls through.

::: posted by Jen at 10:43 PM

Sunday, September 15, 2002 :::
 

"Honey, I'm a roller concrete clover tied to you, tied to you. Inbetween tonight & my tomorrow's tied to the web you build."

::: posted by Jen at 5:54 PM

Thursday, September 12, 2002 :::
 

I feel emotionally congested like I've got an emotional chest cold or some other metaphoric crap like that.Some people are just not ready for my jelly. But the world doesn't stop throwing days at you...and T's & cars dont stop when you're trying to cross the street... Last night I watched The Family Man for the 1st time in years- & it was kinda funny because I want a life like that- I want a life where I meet someone & just choose "us" & have a family & work & be happy someday. Nick's character was a big jerk in a lot of it & my roomate was like "This is the movie of everything Jen would KILL her husband for..." it was kinda funny. And now I'm just sitting here in my empty apartment in my room listing to music. And allowing that to be enough for me for now. Tomorrow is the Org. Fair- which I'm excited about. All my friends will be there at some point so it should be good times.I also want to talk to the people who run Emerson Casting & get involved with that.Anyhoo, I'm really excited about going back to my internship next week, I've missed that little but of my life that exists in the real world beyond college. I've got reading to do & a 5pg script of some sort to write about an argument. Any kind of argument about anything. Any ideas?
Until we meet again~Rev'rin Masta J signing off.

::: posted by Jen at 7:30 PM

Wednesday, September 11, 2002 :::
 

"Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatibale with. I just want your extra time & your kiss." I'm wearing my someday future ring. I feel secure. I am loved by a lot of wonderful people. I've got great friends. & as Rufus says, I'm just a one (wo)man (gal)guy & that one (gal)guy is me. I tend to place my needs on the back burner to make the people that I care about happy. But that just doesn't cut it anymore. And I now refuse to settle for the insufficiant amounts of time & emotions others are willing to give me. Because that just doesn't cut it either. Maybe I should be a bitch. Maybe I should be mean to guys. Because every relationship I see lately is made up of of bitchy girl & a subserviant guy. But that's just not me. A friend said to me today that I need to find a guy who will worship me. I don't nessicarilly NEED worship. I'd just like an equal, normal relationship. I've got the salt but I'm out of tears. My heat feels clear but my chest is congested somewhere in the heart area. And every song lyric is my life right now. "Well, maybe nothing lasts forever. I dont need forever after this. But your laughter won't let me go so I'm holding on this way. Did you know? Could you tell? Now everythings so wrong."

::: posted by Jen at 10:36 PM

 

I never really felt or understood these lyrics before. I do now. And I'm not sure that I ever wanted to.
...another lesson learned...
November Rain

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain

But lovers always come and lovers always go
And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time
to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one

::: posted by Jen at 9:37 PM

 

I dont know how I feel

::: posted by Jen at 8:50 PM

Monday, September 09, 2002 :::
 

I know, I know, it's been a while since I've written. Things have been a tad crazy since my trip to LA, but we will be getting broadband in the apt. later this week (thank the lawrd). I had an intersting time in LA. It proved to be the 3rd trip out there that has changed some aspect of myself or my life and I am thankful for that.
The drive cross country was amazingly fun. Classes started today & so far all is going well. My apt. is great, my room is huge, and I'm looking foreward to this year. I have a feeling it will go by strangely fast.
I will keep you all better informed.
P.S: 3 weeks till my bday!
Love to you all- Jen

::: posted by Jen at 4:52 PM