Tuesday, May 24, 2005 :::
Here's a crappy 1st take at a good idea:
I had a dream with you in it.
But your hair was wild & black.
A fresh tattoo sleeved your arm, shoulder, & back.
And we were close
as we walked & I draped my arm around you from behind
and we seemed to fit goether perfectly.
Your shirt was almost Tarzan-chic.
But it let your new ink breathe.
And I saw my own reflection:
blond bangs peering out from under my black & white tweed newsboy cap
that I haven't worn in a long time.
And my shirt was green.
And we took a bus to your hot rod
where you offered to drive all of my friends home.
I had a dream with you in it.
And I apologized for going through something.
But it was over and I was back.
And for the first time in years
you looked really happy to see me.
And we hugged like we used to,
when our hugs were safe and filled with love.
Unlike now.
When I hug you now it only makes me miss you more.
And we parted ways in the dream.
And I passed your house at night.
Large & white with bright blue shutters.
And you stood in the glowing light of a window
watching me pass.
And I just kept going,
only partly looking back as I crossed the Charles Bridge in Prague.
I had a dream with you in it.
I drempt I missed my chance to see you one last time.
And there was a picture of you, where you had grown a goatee, and you looked great.
Somehow I drove to North Carolina from LA
in 3 hours to get to you & I was too late.
And normally I'd analyze all this, but I think I'll just take it all at face value.
::: posted by Jen at 6:35 PM
And she's still not sure how she feels about it...days later. After purging the event from herself and onto several of her friends, including her ex so that he was sure to know he's not the only man who's had her.
She's still not sure how she feels about last Saturday night. The half burnt candels still sitting in her bedroom like the many empty cans & glasses because she simply can't bring herself to walk them to the other room & put them in their rightful place.
She can't bring herself to decide. Half staring at her bruses with lustful memory & half with disgust.
That is afterall why she tells people. It's why she told me. Hoping I would render some sort of judgement onto her that she could later claim as her own.
"I remember when I used to think I would wait until marriage," she tells me. "And when I thought I would only be with three, but that last one was #3, & I don't think I'll see him again, do you," she asks.
And a part of me wants to tell her to go knock on his door- make it happen, but I don't.
I've known enough ambiguous men in my time to be able to smell it on their breath even after 6 beers, & I wouldn't wish that on her. No one disserves to be with someone who is ambiguous about them.
She sits and combs her hair with her fingers & they get stuck half-way through. Hairspray. She can't remember when she started using it, but it reminds her of her mother. She looks around her messy room & takes a deep breath. It doesn't smell like her.
Hairspray & sex. Yeah, it smells like her mother.
::: posted by Jen at 6:13 PM
Tuesday, May 03, 2005 :::
Underestimated
Women are underestimated everyday
and it makes me laugh
Men think they're on top,
Hard & Strong
when I can control any man by wearing a low-cut shirt
and talking about sex,
soft and gentile like
Helen of Troy, the thought of fucking her started a war-
-Literally.
Wars, once started out of love & passion
now out of oil & religion,
And we're running out of oil
Fast & Strong
and our children will be fucked-
-Literally.
And it clouds my vision to the point where I almost don't want to have any.
But if you were to ask my ex, he'd disagree,
Never interested in fighting for me...
but then again, my name's not Helen.
He fucked me in every way a person can be fucked-
-Literally.
Hard & Fast.
Soft & Quiet.
Through the center of my brain clouding my vision to the point where I'm still writing about it years later.
And my friends would say, Leave it alone.
Because nothing good can come of it.
Nothing good can come of it.
Nothing good can come of it.
Except me coming one last time from the feeling of him filling the inside of me
Hard & Fast
Soft & Gentile
Through the center of my brain,
To the point where I haven't found love since him,
like a blind man fingering a bright room
for a light switch
because he can't believe his eyes.
But 20million viewers can't be wrong
& I want to be right
all the time
Which is my problem.
I'd rather be miserable & right
then happy & wrong
But most of the world feels that way,
or at least they must
when murder is a song.
Movies say death is but a window
and we all keep look, look, lookin for the light,
Thinking it will seep in under the blinds & slowly fill the room with its soft glow,
When really it comes
Hard & Fast
if it comes at all,
through the center of my brain clouding my vision with the haze of a nap that lasted an hour too long.
Causing the thought: I know it's eight but is that day or night? Fuck, I shouldn't have slept so long,
Nothing good can come of it.
Nothing good can come of it.
Nothing good can come of it.
If it comes at all,
But I always do, slightly easy
and always on time.
Even though my timing in love may be off,
I am always on time
Even when it's to see an old friend who's fucked me over,
without the fun part.
And the only thing worse then a friendship based on old memories
is knowing that you would still do anything for that person
Even though you know better,
Because nothing good can come of it.
And it becomes the same old friendship
to the soundtrack of some new indie rock and the same old jokes.
But the new music doesn't make me think anything new
and the old jokes still make me laugh
At least on the inside.
I'm always laughing on the inside
So at least I can say
I got there first.
Like a kid slipping in the cafeteria and laughing at himself before the bullies can.
Because if anyone catches embarasement in your eyes,
nothing good can come of it.
And my eyes give me away all the time.
Which is my problem.
When men know I'm in love with them before I'm ready to admit it to myself.
It's written in my batting eyes of blue & gold
And not even salty tears can wash it away
Like highlighter under a black light glowing
love drips from the tips of my eyelashes for all to see,
Soft & Wet
And nothing good can come of it.
I'd have to build a glass house in the ocean
to hide my emotions,
Fragile & Vulnerable,
you break it you bought it
you'd better wipe your feet before coming into my house
But you'd better believe I'll break your back
If I get you into my bed where
the sun seeps in under the blinds
And throws dots of light onto my
ironically white sheets
Like an insect infested
yet chlorine clean pool
And the sun seeps in through the palms
& throws dots of light onto the Barbie & Ken sized waves and
ironically Barbie & Ken have broken up
Quiet & Fast
through the center of my brain clouding my vision
because Barbie & Ken were supposed to make it
And if they can't then how the fuck can I, & I don't even own
a pink corvette or dream house.
Hell, my prized posessions are a 7yr. old computer that barely runs and a vibrator that always gets me off.
But nothing good can come of it
Except an unemotional fulfillment
from an inanimate object.
Hard & Fast
Soft & Gentile or however I want it.
And every woman I know who doesn't own one, wants one.
Especially after talking to me.
But don't get me started because
I'll go off about the fact that the most exciting mail I got today was another $5 coupon from Bed Bath & Beyond.
And I'll go off about
old boyfriends & napping.
And I'll go off about
getting off
And nothing good can come of it
Nothing good can come of it
Nothing good can come of it.
Although I wish I could go off about
politics or religion
Which in my opinion have become one in the same
But I only know how to write about
love & sex.
::: posted by Jen at 8:40 PM
I know, I know..It's been a while, eh my pets? Pilot season kinda took a lot out of me, including all of my free time. Funny how working 15hrs a day can do that to a person. But I cannot complain, I got to meet a lot of cool celebs & feel all powerful and important in the work I did which has led me to hiatus. Yes, I said hiatus- not unemployment- I still have the key to my office god dammit. Considering I haven't taken a real vacation, meaning not interning, working, taking classes, baby-sitting, etc. since I was in middle school, I'm starting to get antsy. I'm at the point where there are a lot of things I want to do & see in & around LA but I'm seriously lacking the motivation to get out & go. Instead I have been catching up on lost sleep, which my mother says you can never make up, but I'm trying none the less.
The new year has proved to be interesting. While last year was a whirlwind of utter gluttony this year has found me a bit more tame, (with the exception of the weekend in Vegas...but when in Rome...), and a lot more searching with the same amount of confusion as to what exactly it is I am searching for. Now that I'm on hiatus I find my mind once again wandering to thoughts of going back to school to study modern poetry (which would equal what kind of career??), or psycology. And if I didn't have to take any tests or write any papers, or pay any money for that matter, I would go back to school in a heartbeat. If only I could just sit & learn & absorb. I'd rather be a sponge. So here I sit, getting bored again, and this time it sucks because at least after graduation last year most of my friends were also jobless & able to hang out but now I'm all by my lonesome. Which is dangerous. I tend to think too much when I'm alone, over-analyze if you will. But whatever, that at least always produces some good poetry.
I am, however, realizing that some people reeeealy piss me off. Backstabing, nasty, sneeky people with nothing positive to say should just keep their mouths shut if they lack the courage of their convictions to actually tell another person how they feel. But I suppose I am no better after that passive agressive statement. I'm trying desperatly to learn how to keep my mouth shut about my own shit, especially around people I've found time & time again that I unfortunatly, just cannot trust.
And now for a note on marriage & babies:
It seems as though the marriage bug has bitten. Three friends from highschool are engaged (2 to eachother), one old buddy from college is getting married this weekend, my brother is getting married this summer....it's just weddings weddings weddings. Which means that soon there will be babies galore! I must admit that my biological clock is tick-tick-ticking. Yes, I am young, & no there is no one in my life, but I must admit the twinge of jealousy I feel. As a friend recently said to me, "You've just got a lot of love to give, don't you Jen?"- and I do. I even find myself secretly sighing, "Man is that Britteny Spears lucky!"- & not even referring to her money or hot stream of men that have poured from her bed. I know that being 22 & on hiatus (did I mention I'm on hiatus?!?!)- that I have no business even thinking about having a family, but I can't help daydreaming about one day having kids & about how cute & well dressed & well behavied they will be. And about the love. And about the family. I think about that a lot.
Goals for the week: Work on my tan
Get "Kevin Hill" to pay me the $ I'm owed
Stop thinking about stupid boys
Finish the new poem I started
Write more. A lot more.
Well, I believe that's enough of a rant for now. Look out for a new poem comin' atcha soon!!
~J
*Much love to the BRB's & Team Vag
::: posted by Jen at 7:03 PM
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