Saturday, March 02, 2002 :::
Through. ....& then not. Oh the see-saw that is my life & how easily it is tilted in either way.
::: posted by Jen at 9:57 PM
I love LJ:
"Jen, whats that thing..that..damn..ummm...OH! Airport! I was thinkin' 'It cant be a plane station!' "
The following is an actual conversation we just had outside:
Me: And you're not gonna show it to me.
LJ: You might cry.
Me: I might throw up on you.
LJ: I might throw up on me.
-I promise you dont want to know what we were talking about.-
::: posted by Jen at 9:39 PM
Today: because its the weekend, not many people are at the castle, so we had an "American Style" breakfast. Made me feel like I swallowed a log. After that was a 3 hour nap. LJ & I had a girls night last night, which ended at 4am, so a nap was well in order. Went to Venlo with the intention to buy a new pair of gloves, a new wallet, mb some cute lacey stuff & chocolate body paint, I mean...right...who knows....however, all was for not. We ended up leaving at 6pm-because the stores were all closed, we did somehow manage to hit up a coffee shop before headin back to the castle for another nap & some studying. On our walk back to the bus station, LJ remarked: "it's a good thing we have glasses otherwise people might know that we're stoned"
(It's just one of those "When in Rome" sort of things.)
Tomorrow: laundry, reading, cleaning...I live in a castle dont I? Shouldn't there be surfs or peasents to do that sort of thing for me??
Libra
Certain loved ones could really be seeking your attention today. And you should be getting more appreciation for your own originality and creativity right now. So don't be afraid to express yourself in some highly original and unusual ways. A friend or loved one could be surprising you in some way today.
Well, today's over & I definatly didn't get a suprise. Except that I didn't get housing, so Im getting an apartment w/Sarah & Boyfriend John! Im really excited actually-its gonna be amazing. My mom is interested in looking into buying an apartment because its a "Good investment"-wow. I dont know who the woman was I was talking to on IM, but I hope she keeps my mother locked up.
Love
~Jen
You ever get the feeling somones avoiding you?
"We'll crucify the insincere tonight."
::: posted by Jen at 8:20 PM
Friday, March 01, 2002 :::
So in my Ren & Ref class we read this very profound work by the scholar, poet & humanist Petrarch. A lot of his work touched me, so I'd like to share some with all of you. This entire piece is a letter written to a Roman philosopher as though he was still alive. In this, Petrarch is describing his assent up Mt. Ventosum, Italy. I hope you will find the life lessons I did within these words.
" But as a poet once put it well 'Remorseless labour conquers all.'...Thus, once again I found myself taking the easy way, the roundabout path of winding hollows only to find myself soon back in my old difficulty. I was simply putting off the trouble of climbing;but no man's wit can alter the nature of things, and there is no way to reach the heights by going downward. In short, I tell you that I made this same mistake three or more times...I finally sat down in a hollow and my thoughts quickly turned from material things to the spititual and I said to myself what follows, 'What you have experianced so often today certainly happens to many others in their journey toward the blessed life. But this is not so easily percieved by men, for the movements of the body are out in the open while those of the soul are invisible & hidden. The life we call blessed is to be sought on a high level, & straight is the way that leads to it. Many, also, are the hills that stand in the way that leads to it. To wish is not enough, you must earn with ardent eagerness to gain your end. What then is holding you back? While much that is dubious and evil still clings to me, what I once loved, I love no longer. Come now, what am I saying? I still love it, but more moderatly. The fact is, I love, but I love what I long not to love, what I would like to hate. Thus, my thoughts turned back over the last 10 years & then with concentrated thought on the future, I asked myself , 'If you should prolong this uncertain life of yours, could you not face death with complete assurance at least with hopefullness, calmly dismissing from your thoughts the residuum of life that fades into old age?' I thought in silence of the vanity in us mortals who neglect what is noblest in ourselves in a vain show, only because we look around ourselves for what can be found only within us....Written in the world of the living."-Petrarch
::: posted by Jen at 2:04 PM
Thursday, February 28, 2002 :::
So-tonight was another "bench" night. Theres this bench all the castle kids walk to up the road to smoke at-its insaine. We've all discussed it & we think theres only 4 people here whove never smoked at the bench. Its really crazy. I'm staying in this weekend. I really just dont have the energy or extra funds to go somewhere else again this weekend, especially so soon after such a long travel break. Plus, with midterms theres lots of reading to be done, I just dont understand how some people are taking ten hour trains to Denmark. I hope I'll be able to get online this weekend. Sometimes they shut down the server until sunday night. So, this may be my last entry for a few days.
I've been re-reading some of my entries that I made & I think they sound very immature and naive-I'm going to watch that in my daily life to see why I feel I'm coming off that way, I hope I'm not, maybe I'm just your average paraniod chick.
In any case, I must run. Love you all.
~Jen
" We begin every act of choice and avoidance from pleasure, and it is to pleasure that we return using our experience of pleasure as the criterion of every good thing. "
Epicurus
::: posted by Jen at 7:05 PM
Libra
Thursday, February 28, 2002
You should really feel like you're coming into your own right now. You're bound to be feeling very confident and inspired. And you should really be ready to get out there and take the initiative today. But just be careful that you don't overplay your hand and end up scaring others off right now.
*I am a fortunate fool*
::: posted by Jen at 11:57 AM
Right- so I'm taking my acting cut right now to get shit done, shit meaning calling the travlers checks company & the police in Venlo-however, THE FRIGGIN PAY PHONE IS STILL FULL-but at least I'm using my time to finish my OL Application, start some studying & write postcards. Ahhh, such is Mango.
::: posted by Jen at 7:51 AM
Wednesday, February 27, 2002 :::
So yeah, It seems like everyone at the castle today had a mental breakdown or relationship break up. I dont know what happened b/w today & yesterday. But yeah, I had a little one too, just because I have a tendancy to overanalyse (& I cant spell right now...).
Now I'm better. It's all good. The clouds were moving fast tonight against the night sky and full moon.
"We all go a little crazy sometimes..." "Women are insaine & guys are assholes & that sums it up." -I figure that my life is so good right now that the one tiny problem I'm having gets blown up out of proportion every now & again, yet no life is without a problem & mine's not so bad by comparison. I think I've turned out pretty good.
"I face the future with a drink in my right, eyes to the sparkling gloom. Body naked, afraid & amazed. Say, lift me up to that junkyard paradise with a sweet ass photo of you." -Jeff Buckley :o)
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 9:01 PM
Things I learned last semester:
1.)- Be careful not to fall in love with an idea of someone-or to allow them to love the idea of you being in love with them. Because when you figure it out 6 or 7 years later, you feel really stupid.
2.)-You can change as a person in neumerous ways, but none of them mean a damn thing unless others notice -& not by your words, but through your actions.
3.)-Life, & your idea of anyone in your life, can & does change on a dime. And when I say a DIME, I mean a DIME, girl!
4.)-"Round here we're never sent to bed early, & no body makes us wait. Round here we stay up very very very very very late"
5.)-That when you're waiting for someone, they always show up just when you're at your peak of bitching about them not showing up yet.
6.)-NMD!
....I know there's more, I shall elabotare later as thoughts come to me.
Things I've learned this semester:
1.)-It's a small world afterall
2.)-Those who care will make the effort
3.)-I've got a good head on my shoulders... a neurotic, obsessive, sexually frustrated head, but a good one at that
4.)-I've got good friends
5.)-To wait for no one
6.)-That the power of GA shall protect you & hold sacred the ideal of NMD
::: posted by Jen at 12:46 PM
Tuesday, February 26, 2002 :::
I am so happy right now. Man, we all just got completly fucked up-like everyone at the castle. Someone mentioned today the 1 moth breaking point we all just hit. Its said to happen every semester-where all cares go to the wind & the "Cliqus" break up-& no one cares about bullshitting anyone else for appearence. That point is here. We are all just happy & amazingly content. It feels fucking good. ok, i love everyone. i am in love with the world itself.
::: posted by Jen at 8:56 PM
"But what am I still you you? Some theif who stole from you, or some fool drama queen whose chances are few? Meet me tomorrow night, or any night you wish. I have no right to wonder just how or when."-Jeff Buckly.
Ive just been thinkin bout an old poem I wrote: "Im the sistine & you're kneeling on the gound." -U'd betta r-e-s-p-e-c-t-me!- & about how important mutual respect is in all relationships in life. I'm a smart chicke & i dont think I ask too much from people in relationships or friendships, just honesty & respect. But I wonder if sometimes thats a little too much. I dont think either should be work-but u definatly have to earn my love & respect-is that hypocritical? I dont know.
"But I'm not gonna break & I'm not gonna bend, & I'm not gonna worry about it anymore."-Counting Crows
yeah. its turned into one of those "i have a knot in my stomach" days. & i wish it wasnt.
~J
::: posted by Jen at 2:06 PM
Yeah so I cannot believe that just 2 mornings ago I woke up in London. wow. This morning the castle was bright and sunny (a rare thing here)- Midterms are already next week-I cant believe it-where did the time go? Yet, it still fels like an eternity till May even though I know it will be here soon. I've also been informed that Sarah (I knew she was thinkin up somethin)-but also that Boyfriend John are the "Masterminds" of something Ive taken to calling "Project Welcome Home Jen". I am scared. But you know, I have amaznig friends .If you're reading this, you're amazing. Especially SF-I have so much respect for you as a woman & sister. I feel honored to have been given a 2nd chance in your life.
So I've decided to end every entry with a quote or 2, or somg lyirc thats affecting me at the time, so here goes:
"Those who care will make the effort" & one that goes hand in hand in an odd way in my mind:
"Do not mistake temptation for opportunity"
Just some things to ponder.
Love & Epherial Giddiness,
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 11:14 AM
Monday, February 25, 2002 :::
OMG its 3am why am I awake???WHHHHHHHYYYYYY? I wish there was a way to see how many hits my lil weblog has had. That would be awesome. Yeah so Sarah, the things that make us happy {sigh}-ok i need to go to bed, this is insaine. I am insaine. & now I cant stop writing someone make me stop! AHH. ok thats it-PO-gnite-im Audii 500
::: posted by Jen at 9:10 PM
I just kidna wrote this: not sure where it came from-I just got a knot in my stomach & this is what came of it:
Everynight I wait for your name to appear
Just to hear the news of your lonliness
And compare it to mine.
I'm lonely here in this drafty castle
Brick walls built thick by some king or duke centuries ago
to keep out riots & such I suppose.
Brick walls built thick to bar in the lonely nights with fantastical ideas.
Is it me or the idea of me you're stuck on?
The idea of a princess in general-some courtizan
waiting to bow down for your desire
or the real me?
The one scared to admit exactly what it is I'm afraid of-
And there's a lot.
No clowns or ghosts haunt my dreams (those are seen enough in the streets of London and in halls of my own haunting grounds)-
But rather, dreams of the future out of my hands.
Job+Kids+Love+Travel=Future in some random order
Love is a random order
under the desciples of passion & lust
and masked by truth & actions.
Living the great life I lead is hard when lonely & afraid.
But its a great life.
I also wait for you, & You, & YOU,
to hear stories of the life I will return to
and of loved ones living the amazing lives destined for them
because your great luck was set from your creation, and you know that.
Because sometimes life is just good. Fuck the 5 degrees of happiness, fuck the barn
& the hay & the bridge.
{Zippo's & Goats are what its really all about ;) }
For now I am simply the feather floating along the breeze that will one day be weighed
against my actions upon entrance to eternity-
when all issues such as those mentioned above will appear meaningless.
I am happy & that is enough for me....
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 5:13 PM
Wow, so this is just a test run of TheRealMadonna.blogspot.com I'm starting this for kinda selfish reasons I suppose. Everyone that knows me knows that I talk a lot, but thats nothing compared to what goes on in my head. Im here at the castle in the Netherlands, so things can get pretty confusing when trying to combine the two worlds of Boston & Europe-(& yes, they are 2 different worlds)-so yeah, needless to say, I've got a lot of poetry to share & thoughts that are exploding in me. I love you all. P.S. -Anyone with AOL that hasnt heard from me, I SWEAR I've emailed you, but for some wierd reason, no one with AOL has been getting my emails. This weblog should help the connection flow.
Love & Epherial Giddiness
~Jen
::: posted by Jen at 4:35 PM
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