Sunday, July 28, 2002 :::
 

Well, a week's gone by & it doesn't mean much except that I'm a week closer to being home & a week closer to being in LA. I did some casting for a PSA, did some EVVY Submission reviews, learned some sign language, the 'uge. After an afternoon w/ Jenni, Lala & Jeremy in the lab, all I have to say is, "Once you're popped, you can't stop!"- Jeremys stance on virgins turned nympho.
Good times, great oldies.
Love to you all! ~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 10:17 PM

Sunday, July 21, 2002 :::
 

It's been one of those weekends where I sleep way too late. Because I don't want my dreams to end. In my dreams everything always works out, and no matter how odd or bad a scenario is, I know deep down it will work out, because it is, in fact, a dream. But, then I reluctantly- (and I say reluctantly because for some reason I always start dreaming about sex right before I wake up & I'm all like NOOOO NOOOO DONT WANT TO WAKE UP NOOOO LET ME SLEEP DAMN BODY CLOCK!)-wake up somewhere between the hours of 1:30 & 3:30 in the afternoon and realize that on Monday, I won't be able to sleep so late and neglect the day. It's 3:37 as I write this and I'm not sure where my head has been lately. Things are kinda hard right now, even though I dont think theyre supposed to be. There aren't many classes or internship days left before I go home, but it seems like the weeks wont end. And I should start packing my shit.I just want to be in LA, and I know once I'm there Miles is going to have to drive away with me kicking and screaming. I love that fucking town. I love that whole fuckin state! Jenny asked me if I ever got lonely. And I do. But I dont get lonely in the traditional sense that I miss people or I miss being around my friends (although I do miss a select few)- I'm lonely for my future and all of its uncertanties. I live my life in 5year plans and right now I'm lonely for one in the distance. I'm lonely for my husband and my children of which I have neither right now. And I know that sounds wierd, but its just true.And dont think that I'm dissatisfied with my present, because I'm not. I just know that theres so much boundless infinate MORE out there for me to see and accomplish and it makes me antsy sometimes. I'm about 5 years away from the age my mom was when she had my brother. Not that I'm saying I want to get married & pop out babies NOW or anything (I'm still too selfish)- I dont know, I guess I'm just missing stability. And a family with 2.5 kids sounds stable to me right now.All my roomate does is talk about how we're at the age where we technically however many years ago should be doing all these mom/wife things and I can't help but wonder if I've met the man I'm going to marry yet or not. There's this kid in my class getting married in the end of Aug. and I cant help but be jealous of his fiancee even though I dont even know her name. He talks about her sometimes (maybe because all of the kids in the class are shocked and ask him stupid questions all the time)- but they were separated when he went to the LA program then they lived a few hours away from eachother for the 1st year or so of their relationship blah blah and I fucking hate them. No, not really, I'm happy for them, good for them. And I'm not saying that I want to be married right NOW, but again, stability.Some tiny sign of something. Instability makes me insecure. Yeah, thats it. I just figured that out. So do I try to find stability?- Or try to become more secure? I dont know, but I am rambling. I am so great: g-r-e-t. I am so smart: s-m-r-t. Dont worry about me worrying about the future. I got that.I dont worry, I contemplate. It's just one little thing, ok, one big thing on my mind. But just one. ;o) One thing I do know, whatver comes my way, it will be amazing. Because my life is amazing.
Love to you all
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 4:03 PM

Thursday, July 18, 2002 :::
 

Revelation of the day: I just realized that I was supposed to come to this school. Not for any reason other then to set in place the people that are in my life right now. Its wierd to think, but since I'm a year ahead in school, that if I wasnt, I wound't know ANY of the same people I do now. Because of that one decision, the entire path of my life is different than it potentially would have been. Who knows what I would have been like. But I'm glad that my life has taken the course it has so far. Everything for a reason- and I think that everything up to this point was as it was just so everyone that is in my life, at this time, would be in my life. If that makes sense.
On another note: I think I'm going to need glasses within a year or two from being on computers all day/ watching videos, etc. But thats ok, I like glasses, and maybe I'm just being paranoid, but my eyes do hurt & get blurry sometimes. CRAP_LATE FOR WORK. PO- Jen

::: posted by Jen at 1:32 PM

Wednesday, July 17, 2002 :::
 

My horoscope today read: "Underneath your smiles, however, you may still have some concerns that you're a little reluctant to let anyone else know about." Which is interesting, because I suppose it's true in some respects.
On another note: some people have a lot of nerve.
On yet another note: YAY LIFE!

::: posted by Jen at 4:45 PM

Tuesday, July 16, 2002 :::
 

And my amazing week keeps getting better!- Lots of love, lots of great conversations with people I love & people I dont talk to enough, free Monkees concert, free Mark Whalberg poster & over all good times. Now the Good Things Fairy has arrived again- this time in the form of Barnes & Noble.com thanks to Nicole. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is no longer missing from my life! The best thing about all of this is that I wasnt expecting one of them. Not one phone call, not one word, not anything. I am so happy. I am so overly simply happy.
YAY LIFE!
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 7:17 PM

Sunday, July 14, 2002 :::
 

Ok, once again I just want to state how amazing yesterday was. I made a tiny post about it but blogger is messed up & it hasnt posted yet & Im not sure if it will. Well, I havent written many poems lately, so I dug up this one from about 2 years back, because it pretty much explains where I'm at once again. Only now I'm a bit older & wisere & all those wonderful things you get out of growing up over a 2 year period.Once again, Blogger doesnt let me space out poems like they should be, so when something is capped, it should be a new line. "I Haven’t Written Many Poems Lately"

I threw my baby away
Too busy to dry its tears
Suffocated in my chest
Mixing with trivial voices and texts
Neglected by my nimble fingers
Grasping for a break in time
Time to nurture and console

I forgot my baby
Lost somewhere in the crowded streets
Flattened by the stampedes of
Carbon and monoxide
I searched in empty hearts and faces
In lips of friendly strangers
For the spirit of my love child

These friendly strangers
Their eyes shine through mine
Around me
And to the 7-11 on the corner
Where you have to walk arm in arm
Or give a hand
To the helpless

They are the lost children of day
Finding themselves in the night
By the shade of turning trees
And the romance of the local transit
And the graves of lost patriots
Pissing in the gutters
And searching for their reflection in puddles

I found a new version of myself
In the children around me
In the longing for the lips of those not so strange
But strangely wonderful enough
Under the romance of fluorescent lights
In nights on the street under my window
Whose shades are always shut tight

I stare at recycled skin
Biting the skin around my nails
Searching for the taste of someone I used to know
A young girl…a baby
From the phallic symbol of the States
Trying to learn to trust again and find love again and friendship some more.

::: posted by Jen at 2:39 PM

 

FUCKING BEST DAY EVER!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO! I LOVE TODAY SO MUCH IT IS THE BEST! -FREE MONKEES CONCERT!!!- & that was just the icing on the cake!
Love to you all!!!!!!!
~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 12:12 AM

Wednesday, July 10, 2002 :::
 

"I know you've been sworn,
I read your complaint.
You're needing someone older.
And though I've been warned to live day by day,
there's something taking over.

Did you expect to kiss me one time
and look at me with the same eyes ever again?
So come on and face it.
So come on and face it.
It's time that we say it

You can cross the line whenever you want to,
I'm calling it love soon.
Close your mind and waste some time if you have to.
I'm calling it love soon.
It's not about you now,
it's what we are.

I understand I wasn't part of the plan.
A dollar short, a minute early.
So come on and face it.
So come on and face it.
It's time that we say it.

You can cross the line whenever you want to,
I'm calling it love soon.
Close your mind and waste some time if you have to.
I'm calling it love soon.
It's not about you now,
it's what we are.

Let's bypass the bullshit and move on because
the minute hand moves faster than you think it does.
And by no fault of yours, and by no fault of mine.
The bottom line is laying in the bed that we've been playing in tonight.

You can cross the line whenever you want to,
I'm calling it love soon.
Close your mind and waste some time if you have to.
I'm calling it love soon.
It's not about you now,
it's what we are."
~J. Mayer

::: posted by Jen at 9:05 PM

 

I have a large, important & titilating secret. However, I cannot disclose any further information about it at this point. Thank you & good evening.

::: posted by Jen at 4:31 PM

 

Note to self #1. Cut back on inside jokes/personal references in blog. It must be making people who arent mentioned feel excluded.
Note to self #2. Write more about what I'm actually doing with myself these days.
-What am I doing with myself these days, you ask??? Well, I quit Ben & Jerry's because it was ice cream hell- where I got paid shit money to do manual labor, hurt my wrist & my back & get fat off of junk food the one day a week they actually scheduled me. So, I said: Take this job & shove it!
To make up for the small amount of money I will be missing out on, I've picked up a substancial amount of hours at the Emerson Channel, which at least gives me my nights & weekends free to par-tay. Oh, who am I kidding?- all I do is sit on this computer & check my email, try to think of witty or inspirational things to write here, & chat incessently on AIM. I think its a bad thing that at some small scale party's I've been to lately, I've left early for whatever main reason (tired, drunk, etc)- but with the thought in the back of my head "Ooooh, I could be home & in my bed & online right now..." Yeah, I think thats a bad thing.
I've also realized that I've been playing Psychiatrist Jen with a good chunk of my friends lately, & I like it. It makes me feel important & flattered, actually, that friends choose to come to me with their problems. I guess it's just the neurotic, obsessive, sexually frustrated, good ole head Ive got on my shoulders. That, or I'm a sucker for anyone in need. I'm just one of those people who will be in the air if you say "Jump" before you even answer the question of: "How high?" I GIVE & I GIVE WITHOUT TAKING.....man, too bad my name's not Mandy. {OK ENOUGH WITH THE INSIDE JOKES! JEEBUS!}- sorry, just a little 4th of July Barry Manilow reference."I'd Barry his Manilow" Oh I never even talked about the 4th here, did I?- Well, I went out on the Charles w/a group of buddies.(Nikki,Jeremy, Dave,Paul,Geoffrey,Nikki's friend Michelle...i think that's everyone)- Well,we sat in the perfect spot: right in front of the TV monitor & in the center of the fireworks barge-thingy. It was absolutly amazing. Fireworks are one of the only things that really make me feel like a little girl. In the beginning of the event, about 5 (I think)- fighter piolets flew overhead & it kinda choked me up for a moment in that patriotic, pride, danger they put themselves in-thinking-of -their-families-&-kids-&-wives-at-home- sort of way. Which is odd for me, because I rarely cry, & I'm a little less then patriotic- I kinda want to be British- just a spot. But it was extreemly moving all the same.
And I think about whats going on in the world & what kind of world it will be for my children to grow up in, and I hope they dont have to be afraid of terrorist warnings like we do. I hope the world is a better place by then.
On another note: Have you ever felt like your heart was going to explode? If so, how did you stop it? Or did you?-& what happened when it finally did explode? Because I think mine's gone crazy, & I dont know what to do about it at all. Im out of practice, & like I've said, I have issues with crying, but I think my heart is leaking into my tearducts or something & they all explode sometimes. But, I know who/what the cause is, & I really dont mind so much at all.
I'm a little wired tonight from a long & FAH-HABULOUS nap today, so I just needed this long-winded creative romp in the land of Blog before heading off to the land of Nod.
"I like twinkies. And I say this, because we're all supposed to think of reasons to live."- The Perks of Being a Wallflower- READ IT!!! & while you're at it, buy me a new copy, wouldja? Because mines still missing.Goodnight & Love to you all. ~Jen

::: posted by Jen at 2:16 AM

Tuesday, July 09, 2002 :::
 

"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." ~Cher. I used to believe this quote, but I dont anymore. I've been thinking, & I've spent a good amount of time with the wrong guys. While, sure, being taken to the movies/fairs/dinner is nice, its just a waste of energy in retrospect because I knew at the time that it wasnt going anywhere & I didnt really care about them. I'd rather have a crappy time with a guy I know is the right guy then have a brainlessly fun time with a guy I know is wrong. "I'd rather have a moment of wonderful then a lifetime of nothing special."
I am a golden god.
Love to you all
~Jen
"Hey its the bitter barn!!!! -And theres a GOAT!!!!!!" -love u Shi-Fru.
Sarah & Miles: I miss you two more then you even fathom. My world is incomplete without you.

::: posted by Jen at 10:45 PM

Monday, July 08, 2002 :::
 

OHHHH MANDY!- YOU GIVE & YOU GIVE WITHOUT TAKING-!!!!!!!!!!!!!


That is all.

::: posted by Jen at 6:45 PM

Friday, July 05, 2002 :::
 

I can kill with a smile
I can wound with my eyes
I can ruin your faith with my casual lies
And I only reveal what I want you to see
I hide like a child
But I'm always a woman

I can lead you to live
I can take your or leave you
I can ask for the truth
But I'll never believe you
And I'll take what you give me as long as it's free
I steal like a thief
But I'm always a woman

Oh-I take care of myself
I can wait if I want
I'm ahead of my time
Oh-and I never give out
And I never give in
I just change my mind

I will promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then I'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But I'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause I'm always a woman


I'm frequently kind
And I'm suddenly cruel
I can do as I please
I'm nobody's fool
But I can't be convicted
I've earned my degree
And the most I will do
Is throw shadows at you
But Im always a woman

::: posted by Jen at 1:38 AM

Thursday, July 04, 2002 :::
 

i forgot to say his name! its by Saul Williams. my bad.

::: posted by Jen at 7:19 PM

 

So theres this beat poet I love. His book, SHE (only it has a square root symbal separating the S from the H...cool effect)- well, the book is an amazing collection of untitled works. He's got some CD's out too. I highly suggest checking him out. The only problem with posting poems here is that for some reason this blog thing doesnt let me space out poems the way they should be. It just kinda clumps everything together no matter what I do or how many times i press enter. So I'm just gonna put periods where there should be line breaks.But you'll get the idea. I know its long, but this one's my fave & its definatly worth the read:
" and she doesnt want to press charges. my yellow cousin. ghost of a gypsy. drunk off the wine. of pressed grapes. repressed screams. of sun shriveled raisins. and their dreams. interrupted. by a manhood deferred. will she ever sober? or will they keep handing her glasses. overflowing. with the burden of knowing. i never knew. never knew it would haunt me. the ghost of a little girl. in the desolate mansion. of my manhood. i am a man now. and then. i remember. that i have been charged. one million volts of change. will the ghost of that little girl. ever meet my little girl? she's one now. she must have been three then. maybe four. she's eighteen now. i'm twenty-five now. i must have been twelve then. my mother said he was in this thirties. and she's not pressing charges. although she's been indicted. and i cant blame her. i cant calm her. i want to call him names. but only mine seems to fit. 'come on lets see if it fits.' two little boys with magic marker . marked her and it wont come out. 'they put it in me.' 'no we didnt.' 'what are you talking about.' its not permanent. it will come out when you wash it. damn, maybe it was permanent. i cant forget. and i hope she doesn't remember. maybe magic marked her. lord, i hope he don't pull no dead rabbits outta that hat. whats she gonna do then? and what was Mary's story? story of a little girl. with a brother. and a couch. she's got a brother and a couch. a sister locked in a bedroom. and a mother on vacation. lord, dont let her fall asleep. her brother's got keys to her dreams. he keeps them on a chain. that now cuffs his wrists together. mummy doesn't believe he did it. but he's left footprints. on the insides of his sisters eyelids. and they've learned to walk without him. and haunt her daily prayers. and if you rub your fingers. ever so softly. on her inner thigh. she'll stop you. having branded your fingertips. with the footprints of her brother. the disbelief of her mother. and her sister. who called her a slut for sleeping. lord, ive known sleeping women. women who've slept for lives at a time. on sunny afternoons. and purple evenings. women who sleep sound. and live silently. some dreams never to be heard of again. i've known sleeping women. and have learned to tiptoe into their aroma. and caress myself. they've taught me how to sleep. having swallowed the moon. sleep till mid afternoon. and yearn for the silence of night. to sleep sound once again. painters of the wind. who know to open the windows. before closing their eyes. finding glory in the palate of their dreams. she had no dreams that night. the windows had been closed. the words of her subconcious. suffocated and bled. rivers of unanticipated shivers. and sounds that were not sleep. she was sound asleep. and he came silently. it wasnt the sun in her eyes. nor the noise of the children en route to school. she woke to the rays of an ingrown sun. fungused. that stung more then it burned. a saddened school ed route to children. who dared to sleep on a couch. exposed to their schizophrenic brother. only to wake to a new personality. one that doesn't trust. as much as it used to. and wears life jackets. to romantic relation ships. can't stand the touch of fingertips. damn, was that marker permanent? i hope she don't press charges. i hope they don't. press no more grapes into wine. because she might get drunk again. and fall asleep. Rise and Shine. my mother used to say. pulling back the clouds of covers. that warmed our night. but the fleshy shaddows. of that moonless night. stored the venom in its fangs. to extinguish the sun. rise and shine. but how can i. when i have crustied cloud configurations. pasted to my thighs. and snow-covered mountains in my memories. they peak into my daily. and structure my moments. they hide in the corners of my smile. and in the shaddows of my laughter. they've stuffed my pillow. with overexposed reels. of ABC after-school specials. calamity makes cousins of us all. and the feathers of woodpeckers. that have bore hollows into the ring of time. that now ring my eyes. and have stumped the withered trunk of who i am. i must re member. my hands have been tied. behind the back of another day. if only i could have them long enough. to dig up my feet. which have been planted. in the soiled sheets of a harvest. that only hate could reap. i keep trying to forget. but i must re member. and gather the sacred continents. of a self once whole. before they plant flags. and boundry my destiny. push down the warted mountains. that blemish this soiled soul. before the valleys of my concience. get the best of me. i'll need a passport just to reach the rest of me. a vaccination. for a lesser god's bleak history."

::: posted by Jen at 7:18 PM

 

Dracula 2000
soundtrack lyrics


System of a Down - Metro
"I am alone
sitting with my broken glass
my four walls follow me through my past
i was on a paris train
i emerged in london rain
and you waiting there swimming through apologies
i remember searching for the perfect word
i was hoping you might change your mind
i remember a soldier standing next to me
riding on the metro
i went smiling as you took my hand
so removed we spoke in french
you were passed a shallow word
years have passed and still the hurt
you were past a shollow word
years have past and still the hurt
i can see you now smiling as i pulled away
sorry
i remember a letter wrinkled in my hand
i love you always filled my eyes
i remember the night we walked along the seine
riding on the metro
i remember a feeling coming over me
the soldier turned and walked away
i was hoping you might change my mind
fuck you for loving me
riding on the metro"

::: posted by Jen at 2:22 AM

Tuesday, July 02, 2002 :::
 

If you steal or "borrow" a quote from my site, you'd better fuckin credit me.

::: posted by Jen at 11:37 AM

 

So I got bored & thought I'd check out my high school's (Alexander W. Dreyfoos Jr. School of the Arts) web page. Of course, being summer, the Flash part of the site is under construction, but heres what it had to say about what I did for 4 years of my life: Communication Arts:
The Communication Arts Program is the first of its kind to exist anywhere in the United States.(I didnt even know that!) It offers a multi-strand curriculum that includes speech (producing National Champs like moi), writing for production, creative writing, desktop publishing, graphic design, television, audio, and radio production. This program prepares students to be communications leaders who will direct, channel, and maximize the media’s impact on society.
-Yeah I did that. Go me. -

::: posted by Jen at 11:16 AM