Wednesday, July 13, 2005 :::
This is a new poem- & it's my fave thing that I've written lately. It gets back to me.
Usually I hate when people pre-emt a poem by describing what it's about, but I'm gonna just give a little insight anyway.
It's about getting to what's underneath. Underneath life, underneath people, underneath me.
Earmuffs
I am happy to be back living where it doesn't snow.
A child of the sun,
I was never accustomed to the ways of winter,
the layers, the darkness,
the wind whispering its icy chill over me
like I just fell in love.
Shivering and wet.
No, I much prefer a city that hides its cold,
frigid nature in the shaddows of lamposts lining the beach at night.
The cold doesn't seem so bad if you can't see it.
Cold is not just a temperature,
it embodies the senses,
takes over until it is yelling at you to turn back
and warm yourself by a fire.
It is a feeling of emptyness & heartbreak,
whispering broken promises through white lies.
And I don't want to hear it.
So, I wear my earmuffs in LA
to block the sound of the hollywood elite.
Nights out wondering where the gentlemen have gone,
and all the faces look so sad
in the dim light of a bar
even though I hear laughter.
And when I powder my nose in the bathroom I realize I look happy
even though I feel so sad.
Rejections piling high behind my eyes
along with missed opportunities,
cold and wet and while you may think I'm crying,
it's only snow.
So, I wear my earmuffs in LA
to block the sound of the word "No."
Just two small letters that make up
one big word that I can't seem to tell myself,
let alone understand from anyone else.
No don't do it
the fire isn't worth the burn.
No don't do it
the feeling isn't worth the heartbreak
Heartbreak
Heart Break
Like the break between the heart and the head
whenever the heart gets involved in anything,
suddenly believing the match it holds
can melt an ice statue
of a man.
Just two small letters make up one big word.
Like the one big word that hangs over this city
alongside the statues of Jesus and the cross.
And although I'm not religious
seeing them always gives me a sense of peace.
Like I'm moving through life walking alone through a blizzard.
Knowing someone else is there but not being able to recognize their shape,
cloaked in white so bright you'd swear it's noon,
powder choking your senses.
Sometiems the only way to get through winter
is to know the spring is there underneath.
And while the wind may beat you,
you keep going back out,
searching for that one thin blade of green grass or pink sprouting bud.
Using your heart as a radar for life,
and the heart can get through anything
enduring endless games of bait & tackle.
You just keep going out,
searching for that one thin blade of green grass or pink sprouting bud.
Frost-bitten, heart-broken, but hoping.
Hell, I do it just to prove myself wrong.
Because sometimes I want to be cold.
I want to loose my senses in these sentances
and run naked through the elements
just to enjoy the seconds before I freeze.
So, I wear my earmuffs in LA
cause I'm tired of being an optimist.
Sometimes I'd rather just not know.
::: posted by Jen at 12:20 AM
Tuesday, July 12, 2005 :::
Well my month long hiatus has come to an end! I have a new fabulous job, & not a moment too soon. Sitting in my apt, staying up until all hours of the morning & sleeping til mid-afternoon was starting to wear on my brain abit causing me to focus on completly unimportant crap, like boys.
And we all know how useless that is.
Anywhoo- my new job is at Pemrick/Fronk Casting in the penthouse of this amazing office building. On my floor are also various production offices, Tom Grens production office, etc, along with a management company, & the man who does merchandizing for NSync & the Backstreet Boys, & owns Tupac's estate as well ahs having something to do do with the whole Michael Jackson/Beatles scandal going on...
We cast mainly movies randing in budget from 1.5mil to 32mil, everyone is great & it's wonderful to have co-workers again.
I am rediculously happy & back focusing on whats important- my career.
At this stage of the game, I don't have time for a man in my life. I only have time for a man in my bed, or my compter.
But I did write an amazing poem lat night- not like the bullshit I've been spewing out lately- something really me. I'm at work right now but when I get home I'll be sure to type it up for all to enjoy.
Much Love,
~J
::: posted by Jen at 2:00 PM
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