Monday, July 26, 2004 :::
New poem people!! It's actually meant to be performed aloud, but I think you'll get the point. If you want a live performance just say the word!
Choices
Choices
Are all I’m surrounded by lately
And these choices they’re making me
Realize what life is, these choices
Paths
Foggy and congested highways from A to Z
From where I am now
To who I could be
This path I’ve taken
This business I’m in
In this city of lights and glamour
And sex and cameras
And this is my def poetry jam
Only living in New York I could never stand
Who could I become in this year
Of half of my lucky number
In Two-thousand-and-four
GIVE ME MORE!
Two-thousand-and-four
OPEN THE DOOR!
But in two-thousand-and-four I’m fuckin’ poor.
And an education is expensive if I want to heal those like my mother and my brother with chemical imbalance, bad tempers and bi polar disorders
An education is expensive if I want to teach the written word to youngsters with wide eyes and stories of their own written in the trails of their own cries
and time is more expensive if I waste it
These choices are poisons
crippling my beliefs and
questioning my doubts and certainties
But “options” is the word of the year
I tell myself whenever something makes me think too much about my own potential
Choices locked behind my past credentials
So I focus on a crush that is aptly named just that
And crucify myself for feminists
By wearing different hats
Slut
Bitch
Lover
Girlfriend
Mother
When all I really want is someone else to belong to
My Nana telling me to find a nice Jew
And share a home
And have babies
And a career
Job
Occupation
Titillation
Mental perspiration
The choice between myself and a family
Hammers me
Nails me to my bed which I toss and turn on each night
Unable to sleep because my mind won’t stop
And I’m starting to wonder what pill I could pop
Thinking of different choices I haven’t chosen but just might
When I really
Simply
Just
Want it all
To publish
teach
share
heal
learn
create
manage
sell
love
raise
cultivate
and decide.
::: posted by Jen at 3:33 AM
Monday, July 12, 2004 :::
I've been figuring out myself a lot lately so needless to say I've been really feeling like writing so I'm gonna just write & see what comes out...
I'm difficult to get to know
Well.
Better at saying what kind of person I am
than actually showing it
and letting another figure me out along the way.
A glutton for life,
I go after all that is bad for me:
Fast food
Fast men
I
Fear rejection
try too hard
laugh too loud
But I am aware
of all that I say & do.
And I know a wrong decision when it's wrong.
But I get a lot right too.
I've been lucky in life.
Bad at gambling, but lucky in life.
Experianced some great loves and life affirming friendships.
I'm close with my family.
I can say "fuck you" to my mother in a joking manner.
My brother considers me his best friend.
I love my nana & she sends me money to buy "beer & peanut butter & jelly sandwiches" and she always "keeps her fingers crossed & her legs open" for me.
Fun, I live life with an open heart & mind.
I'm optomistic and immediatly drawn to anything shiny or cute.
Not often serious, but when I am, watch out.
I hate confrontation or arguments unless I love them.
I'm a hypocrite.
I people watch & talk trash, but I wonder what they're saying about me.
I have my obsessions,
pet peeves,
favorite movies & songs that stop time,
Crushes, ex's,
flings, desires,
and still searching for that one great kiss.
I put too much importance on having a huge career
but I'm finding now that I just want to be happy durring the day
and have someone to cuddle with at night.
Someone who will know me
the me behind the me I'm writing now
And who will listen to me sing
and want to travel
and try new food
and be lazy and adventurous all at the same time.
And truely know me well.
And to truely know me well you have to read my poetry.
~J
::: posted by Jen at 2:11 AM
Tuesday, July 06, 2004 :::
So yes, it's official- I quit my job & actually had 2 interviews on my last day. Tomorrow is a big day- a day when I should be making a decision about the next step in my career. It is also the day I will be seeing Gavin DeGraw in concert! Whoohoo!!
For those of you not in L.A., I had a wonderful weekend. (Although I do always miss my Wade on the 4th of July)
The celebrations actually began on Saturday the 3rd with a BBQ at my friend Justin's apt followed by a kickin party out in Echo Lake at my friend Maryns house. I drank & partied till about, oh, say....2:30am, made some new friends and bonded with old ones. "Sooo, I just want to know if you think it's possible to actually get Ghonnoria of the throat..."
Sunday I got up early to drive Nicole to the airport so she could spend the weekend with her fam in Vegas, while I continued on to a brunch at ChrisP's. After a filling brunch and one too many Mimosa's (is that how you spell that? I'm just not sure...)- I headed over to Chris "Topher" Larkin's house where I wound up basically spending the following 24hours. There was much swimming, good food, plentiful alchohal and a wonderful vibe. New friends and quality memories were made. We watched fireworks all over L.A. from the top of Mulholland Drive, set off some of our own at a nearby park, then returned to the Larkin residence to chug champagne, play some asshole, skinnydip and sleep only to wake up the next morning, play with a new AWESOME puppy, shop in the madness that was Ikea, grill some steaks, oh, & did I mention play with a black lab puppy?? Man I can't wait to get a dog.
After a weekend like that & the day that is to come, I'm hereby dubbing July 6th as Jen's Thanksgiving in July. Here's a list of some things I'm thankful for :
1.)- Good Friends
2.)-New Friends
3.)Nicole Castro for making my life better.
4.) Animals, especially puppies.
5.) Good art- black & white photography, Dali, etc.
6.)Songs that make you want to dance
7.)Songs that define a memory and yet still fit the current mood perfectly.
8.) Good food.
9.) Boys cooking for me.
10.) Being able to get to know people for more than what you first imagine them to be...if that makes sense. Pretty much being able to look past 1st impressions and appearences to really get to know an awesome person.
11.)Friends with awesome houses or apts that allow me to live alone but never BE alone.
12.)Old friends who even if you don't talk to them for 2months keep the love.
13.) Having no inhibitions.
14.) Respect.
15.)The future.
16.) My career and the many paths I may take.
17.) Psychics.
18.)Staying positive and open.
19.) Love.
20.)The sun.
21.) Myself.
22.)You.
I think that's all for now...
Much love to you all,
~J
::: posted by Jen at 4:58 AM
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