Monday, November 15, 2004 :::
Just when you think there is no hope, a light emerges at the end of the tunnel that illuminates your surroundings in a new way. I'm in the process of getting back to me & making wiser choises as one of my best friends recently told me.
I heart Hermosa Beach & Willy Wonka.
Smitten, & even if it doesn't become what I want right now, thats ok too. "I'll take my chances, I forgot how nice romance is, I haven't been there for the longest time."
This is going to be an event filled week:
Monday: One man show in H'wood.
Tues: Date night.
Weds: Possible Date night/Bend
Thurs: OC
Fri: Emerson alum event @ Cat'nFiddle
Sat: CLEANING/CAR WASHING EXTRAVAGANZA OF FUN
Sun: Babs the Mommaduke arrives.
That's all for now, I'll keep you all updated as things progress.
~J
::: posted by Jen at 6:06 PM
Sunday, November 07, 2004 :::
I've been thinking a lot lately about my life, & the choices I make, morals I've instilled or rather, not instilled into the way I live my life. "I'm not dependant on anyone else, & no one's dependant on me. I'm single. But I don't have peace of mind, so what's it all about?"
I've made a lot of empty decisions, been unfulfilled by empty promises, yet accepted empty apologies from people who really don't have a place in my life, or rather don't disserve a place in my life simply because I'm afraid to be alone and I seek love. I hope that through sleeping with me or hooking up with me or whatever may occur in a physical way, that someone will discover how great I am. But that discovery needs to come before the physical.
On the other hand, I am young, why shouldn't I get my kicks while I'm still young enough to get them, experiance some purely convienent and casual encounters? I'm torn. Yes, it's fun, yes it gives me physical pleasure, & yes I have a lot of time to experiance something more meaningful, yet there is nothing worse then being in bed with someone else & feeling alone.
An ex of mine made a statement that bothers me, although I hate to give him that much credit, something along the lines of my sarcasm haltering me from having a relationship with someone who really cares about me. But it's really the opposite. When I feel as though someone doesn't really want a relationship with me, or only wants certain aspects of me, I use sarcasm to be able to accept that. So I understand it, I make excuses for it, it doesn't make it right, but it makes me me in some wierd way I suppose. Maybe its one of those comments that will stick to me even though it may not correctly define me as a person past, present, or future, it just makes me look at myself in a different way, through someone elses eyes. Like a comment someone made to me a few years back...it was something like "Do you always like someone & never do anything about it? Because that's sad." Or something like that. And even though it may not have changed the outcome in that situation, it at least made me handle future situations differently.
And I've been working on an old friendship that had some troubles, but I'm finding that time really changes people. Which isn't nececssarrily a bad thing, it's just bitter-sweet sitting with someone who you still care about very much but thinking about what strangers you've become to eachother.
I guess I've got time to figure everything out. I'm just trying to find the place to start within me.
It all comes down to the fact that I know I disserve more- more from life & from the people I accept into mine, I just have to stop accepting less.
I did some really bad writing the other night. Nothing publishable anywhere but here, nothing genius, but it worked its way out & surved that purpose. I will post one of them simply for selfish reasons, for purging the responsibility of my words from myself.
One Night Stand
I am having an affair with a lover who is warm & passionate.
The heat we produce leaves us with a sticky pool of sweat between our bellies,
windows fogged,
& bruises in all the right places.
The heat we produce:
Fresh heat, Pure heat, Raw heat.
Raw like the insides of my thighs, the flesh of my tongue, the tips of my breasts,
The tips of my fingers.
Poetry is my part time lover.
Each night he visits me I wet with anticipation of what part of me he might discover next.
Poetry is my part time lover.
But I am married, and my marriage isn't a bad one.
I cannot claim abuse or neglect, it is always new, creative, suppling me with security.
I am married to my job, yet it is my lover that supplies the release from the knots in my neck,
the hole in my heart.
Poetry is my part time lover.
And I suddenly understand the words of all of my ex-boyfriends when they told me they needed to see other people.
Poetry is my part time lover.
Often I contemplate leaving my marriage & forming the kind of union my lover & I disserve.
One not cloaked in the mask of the night, One not of lust, but of love.
But love is a buguoise ideal,
suffocated by responsibility.
And I always want my lover to be free.
Poetry is my part time lover.
And I guess that's why I'm single.
Still searching for a man to satisfy me like my lover, secure my like my husband, & have the durability to be able to accept them both.
I want a man not easily intimidated by my busy schedule and late night rendevous,
naked & afraid with a pen.
Poetry is my part time lover.
I want a man who while I search for meaning in my life & detail in my passions will discover me & name me for himself.
A man who won't be jealous of strange fingernail scratches, torn sheets & a slightly squeeky bed.
A man who will love the child I produce as though it were his own.
Because I am a bigamist, & I am selfish.
I want my lover, husband, & any future man to co-exist in my world.
I want all three in bed with me when I close my eyes at night.
One in front, one in back, & one easing my mind.
Poetry is my part time lover.
::: posted by Jen at 8:39 PM
Wednesday, September 29, 2004 :::
Time for a major update!!
Ok so since my last post I actually performed that poem at a poetry night with some people from Def Poetry Jam & got a pretty good response if I do say so myself- performing that was an amazing high & I want to go back to perform again, but it's Tuesday nights & I'm ususally quite tired from my job- now I don't remember if I posted about it, if I did, please forgive me...but I'm casting a new show called Kevin Hill- Weds @ 9 on UPN- WATCH IT, if only to oogle Taye Diggs goodies.
Life in LA is busy, but I think I'm finally getting the hang of this whole time thing- you know, having enough time to work, sleep & have a life.
Lets see, lets see.....I was in a bad car accident in Aug.- I wasn't driving, both cars were totaled, I was out of commision & in a lot of pain for a while & am honestly still dealing with some shit because of it...mentally as well as physically, but I shall survive.
& speaking of cars, I got a new one! I black 2004 Toyota Solara- He's sexy.
This Saturday is my 22nd birthday. Now, I know I'm young as far as numbers go, but I've been feeling very old lately as far as my place in life goes- no long in school, working full time, paying bills, etc. This is the Quad-D birthday of Dinner, Dancing, Drinking & Disney. If you are my friend & you are in LA & reading this then I expect to see your ass at Aura Sat night (the 2nd)- & the following Saturday, (the 9th)- I'm going to DISNEYLAND!!! WHOOOHOO. I'm gonna ride the rides, take pictues & act like the retarded child of a tourist.
So, I think that about sums it up....
Much Love to you All,
~J
::: posted by Jen at 1:28 AM
Monday, July 26, 2004 :::
New poem people!! It's actually meant to be performed aloud, but I think you'll get the point. If you want a live performance just say the word!
Choices
Choices
Are all I’m surrounded by lately
And these choices they’re making me
Realize what life is, these choices
Paths
Foggy and congested highways from A to Z
From where I am now
To who I could be
This path I’ve taken
This business I’m in
In this city of lights and glamour
And sex and cameras
And this is my def poetry jam
Only living in New York I could never stand
Who could I become in this year
Of half of my lucky number
In Two-thousand-and-four
GIVE ME MORE!
Two-thousand-and-four
OPEN THE DOOR!
But in two-thousand-and-four I’m fuckin’ poor.
And an education is expensive if I want to heal those like my mother and my brother with chemical imbalance, bad tempers and bi polar disorders
An education is expensive if I want to teach the written word to youngsters with wide eyes and stories of their own written in the trails of their own cries
and time is more expensive if I waste it
These choices are poisons
crippling my beliefs and
questioning my doubts and certainties
But “options” is the word of the year
I tell myself whenever something makes me think too much about my own potential
Choices locked behind my past credentials
So I focus on a crush that is aptly named just that
And crucify myself for feminists
By wearing different hats
Slut
Bitch
Lover
Girlfriend
Mother
When all I really want is someone else to belong to
My Nana telling me to find a nice Jew
And share a home
And have babies
And a career
Job
Occupation
Titillation
Mental perspiration
The choice between myself and a family
Hammers me
Nails me to my bed which I toss and turn on each night
Unable to sleep because my mind won’t stop
And I’m starting to wonder what pill I could pop
Thinking of different choices I haven’t chosen but just might
When I really
Simply
Just
Want it all
To publish
teach
share
heal
learn
create
manage
sell
love
raise
cultivate
and decide.
::: posted by Jen at 3:33 AM
Monday, July 12, 2004 :::
I've been figuring out myself a lot lately so needless to say I've been really feeling like writing so I'm gonna just write & see what comes out...
I'm difficult to get to know
Well.
Better at saying what kind of person I am
than actually showing it
and letting another figure me out along the way.
A glutton for life,
I go after all that is bad for me:
Fast food
Fast men
I
Fear rejection
try too hard
laugh too loud
But I am aware
of all that I say & do.
And I know a wrong decision when it's wrong.
But I get a lot right too.
I've been lucky in life.
Bad at gambling, but lucky in life.
Experianced some great loves and life affirming friendships.
I'm close with my family.
I can say "fuck you" to my mother in a joking manner.
My brother considers me his best friend.
I love my nana & she sends me money to buy "beer & peanut butter & jelly sandwiches" and she always "keeps her fingers crossed & her legs open" for me.
Fun, I live life with an open heart & mind.
I'm optomistic and immediatly drawn to anything shiny or cute.
Not often serious, but when I am, watch out.
I hate confrontation or arguments unless I love them.
I'm a hypocrite.
I people watch & talk trash, but I wonder what they're saying about me.
I have my obsessions,
pet peeves,
favorite movies & songs that stop time,
Crushes, ex's,
flings, desires,
and still searching for that one great kiss.
I put too much importance on having a huge career
but I'm finding now that I just want to be happy durring the day
and have someone to cuddle with at night.
Someone who will know me
the me behind the me I'm writing now
And who will listen to me sing
and want to travel
and try new food
and be lazy and adventurous all at the same time.
And truely know me well.
And to truely know me well you have to read my poetry.
~J
::: posted by Jen at 2:11 AM
Tuesday, July 06, 2004 :::
So yes, it's official- I quit my job & actually had 2 interviews on my last day. Tomorrow is a big day- a day when I should be making a decision about the next step in my career. It is also the day I will be seeing Gavin DeGraw in concert! Whoohoo!!
For those of you not in L.A., I had a wonderful weekend. (Although I do always miss my Wade on the 4th of July)
The celebrations actually began on Saturday the 3rd with a BBQ at my friend Justin's apt followed by a kickin party out in Echo Lake at my friend Maryns house. I drank & partied till about, oh, say....2:30am, made some new friends and bonded with old ones. "Sooo, I just want to know if you think it's possible to actually get Ghonnoria of the throat..."
Sunday I got up early to drive Nicole to the airport so she could spend the weekend with her fam in Vegas, while I continued on to a brunch at ChrisP's. After a filling brunch and one too many Mimosa's (is that how you spell that? I'm just not sure...)- I headed over to Chris "Topher" Larkin's house where I wound up basically spending the following 24hours. There was much swimming, good food, plentiful alchohal and a wonderful vibe. New friends and quality memories were made. We watched fireworks all over L.A. from the top of Mulholland Drive, set off some of our own at a nearby park, then returned to the Larkin residence to chug champagne, play some asshole, skinnydip and sleep only to wake up the next morning, play with a new AWESOME puppy, shop in the madness that was Ikea, grill some steaks, oh, & did I mention play with a black lab puppy?? Man I can't wait to get a dog.
After a weekend like that & the day that is to come, I'm hereby dubbing July 6th as Jen's Thanksgiving in July. Here's a list of some things I'm thankful for :
1.)- Good Friends
2.)-New Friends
3.)Nicole Castro for making my life better.
4.) Animals, especially puppies.
5.) Good art- black & white photography, Dali, etc.
6.)Songs that make you want to dance
7.)Songs that define a memory and yet still fit the current mood perfectly.
8.) Good food.
9.) Boys cooking for me.
10.) Being able to get to know people for more than what you first imagine them to be...if that makes sense. Pretty much being able to look past 1st impressions and appearences to really get to know an awesome person.
11.)Friends with awesome houses or apts that allow me to live alone but never BE alone.
12.)Old friends who even if you don't talk to them for 2months keep the love.
13.) Having no inhibitions.
14.) Respect.
15.)The future.
16.) My career and the many paths I may take.
17.) Psychics.
18.)Staying positive and open.
19.) Love.
20.)The sun.
21.) Myself.
22.)You.
I think that's all for now...
Much love to you all,
~J
::: posted by Jen at 4:58 AM
Wednesday, June 30, 2004 :::
Hey everyone, I'm back in action!
I am now a college graduate & I've been working pretty much since I got back to L.A. as a Casting Coordinator on a new Fox daytime reality show called "Live Like a Star"- but rather then actually coordinating, I've been recruiting- & its felt more like a sales job then anything else, so today is actually my last day!- (I graciously resigned). Not to worry, I've got many more things on the horizon- better things. Onward & upward. Graduation was perfect- wonderful weather & quality time with the lovely ladies of BRB2. It only could have been better if my grandmother could have attended but she was too ill to fly unfortunatly. After graduation I went to NYC for a week & stayed with Ms. Katherine McGrath. We took in a show, sang in the streets, stayed up too late, spent too much money, and even partied on Long Island- my 1st time there- whoohoo.
So yes, that is where I am right now in my life. The real world is upon me & I'm embracing it open to all posibilities the universe brings my way.
Oh! & I'm getting a new car! Black Toyota Solara baby!
Thats all for now.
Much love to you all,
~J
::: posted by Jen at 2:41 PM
Sunday, May 02, 2004 :::
Wow, I guess it's really been a while since I've posted, eh? I've never gone so long! I suppose I should update everyone on what's been going on in my life, but there's not enough room to write all of the stories, or a good way to fully describe the laughs. This, my last semester in college was an amazing experiance and I really feel as though I've learned a lot about myself and others- just in general- what I want from life and what's important to me, as well as how to read others. I've taken some risks and whether or not the outcome was always what I hoped it would be, I know things are as they should be now. I just can't believe that college is over & done with. My schedule is CRAZY this month: Vegas with my family, back to L.A., Boston, NYC, then back to L.A. by the 23rd. At first I was sad about the prospect of being away from L.A. for almost an entire month, but now I'm looking forward to the break. Clear my head, spend time with my family and my friends. I can't wait to see my fellow BRBsquared ladies & my Sigmas. Good drunken times will be had in Boston I'm sure. There's always trouble afoot when JDubs, LJa, and JLu get together!
But anywhoo, I think I'll be coming back to L.A. more focused and ready to work (or at least look for work).
My new apartment is AMAZING- I live in Toluca Lake & Ive got a fireplace, balcony, pool, gym, central air....you name it. It's my first one bedroom apt. & the first time I've ever been able to really decorate my own space, so it's been fun framing pics & finding little things here and there.
Well gee, thats pretty much it. I'll try to write more often. Get back into the pattern of it. I hope all is well with everyone.
Much Love,
~J
::: posted by Jen at 5:38 PM
Sunday, February 01, 2004 :::
New Poem:
"Shine"
Home is where the heart is she says to herself as she rises and shines in her temporary apartment.
Home it is, but heart it is not.
Heart is the city, yes.
But heart it is not in her single apartment within the valleys of mountains and lions
She tries to hide.
From the mountains
From the heart
But it has found her.
After years of trying to swallow it
Suck it
Stuff it down
It has risen and it shines bright for all to see
So many years of losing herself to dark rooms and nameless injections of one-night promises
So many years have gone by lost
(if you get used to the loneliness you can easily forget you were lonely in the first place)
Now she’s alone waiting to be found by someone else
Someone who will explore her
And name her for himself
She feels the presence
Hears the footsteps coming down the hall
Crunching the warning shards of glass
She knows something is coming
She just can’t see it
Maybe she shouldn’t have used the light bulb as the warning glass after all.
But it’s coming all the same
And while she waits fantasy’s play out
Of being loved
Of being enough for someone to hold on to
And not run away to something better
If she just believes hard enough that she is enough for someone else, maybe someone else will believe in her. Yeah, maybe someone else will rise and shine with her.
Yet now there’s still something more
She just doesn’t know what it is.
New Stream of Concousness-thingy:
If life is so good then why do I feel so lonely sometimes.
And I feel silly for being lonely when I know people who really are alone
Well maybe I don’t know them, but I know they must exist somewhere
Alone, probably
If my life is so busy then why do I feel so bored sometimes
And I feel silly for being bored when I know people who really are bored
They really are bored and I don’t understand why we don’t just get together and be bored, well…together.
If im such a writer why cant I seem to write about anything else
Other then love and loneliness all the fucking time
Over and over again until im not sure if im writing something ive written before or if its new old bull shit. Because it really is all the same bull shit written over again with different words about different people in different places.
And usually writing makes me feel better- fills this void inside, but tonight its just not working.
Another Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody
All I know is I need to get out of this funk before I have to be around people tomorrow or else I’ll just be no fun at all Or I can just fake it. But I hate doing that, I’m bad at it.
Its just another one of those times where if someone were to ask me what is wrong I wouldn’t have an answer because I cant put my finger on it myself.
::: posted by Jen at 3:48 AM
Wow- things have been wild & crazy in the past over a month since I've written...
Well before leaving Boston, I was granted with the flu- so my mom had to come up to help pack up my apt. Then I was off to Chicago for X-Mas and to L.A. for New Years. New Years rocked- my brother was in town & I met some interesting people while staying with Megan/Nicole for a while. But now all has settles down. I've been here for a month now, I'm all moved into my apt at the Oakwoods, & I must say that this RA thing is a sweet deal. My internship is good & getting better each day. Overall, life is quite good. Good friends, good times.
But I can't help but feel that more is coming....
More from me soon, I promise!!
~J
::: posted by Jen at 12:05 AM
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