Monday, October 31, 2005 :::
 

I had a dream the other night that I didn't like the person I'd become.

I'm in a very selfish phase in my life. I want what I want, when I want it. I'm sick of feeling judged by people who don't know me anymore and sick of judging myself based off of others feelings towards or about me, or lack there of.
I'm listening to what I want now. Not what other people expect of me. If there is any choice to be made, I choose me. First & foremost. Me. My career, my goals, my desires, my happiness. And with that come my mistakes and bad judgement and crazy reactions and emotional bullshit but they're MINE.
So I'm going to work 10-12 hours a day and come home & paint & write. I'm going to sleep til 2 on the weekends and stay in on the occasional night without feeling like I'm missing something better. I resolve to be good to myself, body mind & soul. Stay close to the evil I know rather then the evil I don't. Cut negativity from my life & strive to be the best person I can be.
Be nicer to everyone- especially myself. Walk more, eat less.
People will have to deal with my life and my scheduale for once.
I'm going to do what feels good to me. Work hard, play hard, rest hard. Start doing things that I want to do even if that means doing them alone. Especially if that means doing them alone. Things I've never done alone before, like going to the movies .
I'm going to teach myself how to shut up & listen to things people say & the things they say without saying. And give 110% at work without going crazy. I am going to let go of people who make me feel less then good about myself, not good enough, doubtful or without. I'm taking a step back from friendships and relationships. If you want me, you know where to find me. And if you don't know what you want from me, let me know when you figure it out, I just can't promise I'll be here waiting. Someone once said that those who care will make the effort. Well, I'm done. Done making the effort done caring too much. The line between my friends and enemies has become as blurred as the line between a platonic male friend and one that can't sleep next to me without keeping his hands off of me. So, it's time to step back & see who steps up. Because I already have. I'm done allowing other people to weaken my self worth. I am better then that. Life is too good for that.

::: posted by Jen at 11:08 PM