Sunday, February 01, 2004 :::
 

New Poem:
"Shine"
Home is where the heart is she says to herself as she rises and shines in her temporary apartment.
Home it is, but heart it is not.
Heart is the city, yes.
But heart it is not in her single apartment within the valleys of mountains and lions
She tries to hide.
From the mountains
From the heart
But it has found her.
After years of trying to swallow it
Suck it
Stuff it down
It has risen and it shines bright for all to see

So many years of losing herself to dark rooms and nameless injections of one-night promises
So many years have gone by lost
(if you get used to the loneliness you can easily forget you were lonely in the first place)
Now she’s alone waiting to be found by someone else
Someone who will explore her
And name her for himself

She feels the presence
Hears the footsteps coming down the hall
Crunching the warning shards of glass
She knows something is coming
She just can’t see it
Maybe she shouldn’t have used the light bulb as the warning glass after all.

But it’s coming all the same
And while she waits fantasy’s play out
Of being loved
Of being enough for someone to hold on to
And not run away to something better

If she just believes hard enough that she is enough for someone else, maybe someone else will believe in her. Yeah, maybe someone else will rise and shine with her.
Yet now there’s still something more
She just doesn’t know what it is.



New Stream of Concousness-thingy:
If life is so good then why do I feel so lonely sometimes.
And I feel silly for being lonely when I know people who really are alone
Well maybe I don’t know them, but I know they must exist somewhere
Alone, probably

If my life is so busy then why do I feel so bored sometimes
And I feel silly for being bored when I know people who really are bored
They really are bored and I don’t understand why we don’t just get together and be bored, well…together.

If im such a writer why cant I seem to write about anything else
Other then love and loneliness all the fucking time
Over and over again until im not sure if im writing something ive written before or if its new old bull shit. Because it really is all the same bull shit written over again with different words about different people in different places.
And usually writing makes me feel better- fills this void inside, but tonight its just not working.
Another Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody
All I know is I need to get out of this funk before I have to be around people tomorrow or else I’ll just be no fun at all Or I can just fake it. But I hate doing that, I’m bad at it.
Its just another one of those times where if someone were to ask me what is wrong I wouldn’t have an answer because I cant put my finger on it myself.

::: posted by Jen at 3:48 AM

 

Wow- things have been wild & crazy in the past over a month since I've written...
Well before leaving Boston, I was granted with the flu- so my mom had to come up to help pack up my apt. Then I was off to Chicago for X-Mas and to L.A. for New Years. New Years rocked- my brother was in town & I met some interesting people while staying with Megan/Nicole for a while. But now all has settles down. I've been here for a month now, I'm all moved into my apt at the Oakwoods, & I must say that this RA thing is a sweet deal. My internship is good & getting better each day. Overall, life is quite good. Good friends, good times.
But I can't help but feel that more is coming....
More from me soon, I promise!!
~J

::: posted by Jen at 12:05 AM